Water Ski News Mashup!
New Federal Law: Pontoon Days
Hey! Did anyone watch the Democratic Debate last night???
HOO-BOY, we are sure it must have been wonderfully entertaining and hopefully a sign of brighter things ahead for our country, but, we didn't watch!
Did Elizabeth Warren "LAY WASTE" to John Delany??
MAYBE!!!
Or did Bernie say some...whatever, Bernie stuff?? Probably!!
With all the talk of health care and reparations and immigration and, what else, infrastructure?? That sounds like something someone would say at some point wouldn't it? That sounds like a politician type word. Infrastructure. Thats a meaty word if you think about, full of syllables and letters and what not, makes one feel smart...maybe to smart if you ask us...its really a scam that the system is playing on us, get us to feel smarter than we really are.
When we feel smarter, we tend to gloss over things that one who, of such a high IQ, would condemn as beneath them, or not worthy of our time or not deemed of such importance as to raise even an interested eye brow.
But, this, is not, that place.
What was not talked about is a policy that we need to fight for, we need to take to the streets, demand action take place RIGHT AWAY!
PONTOON DAYS!!!
 |
| Calmer then you are dude. |
Thats right, every person in America should be entitled to 4 pontoon days a year.
"But, Dig Dug," you say, "This idea...what the hell is it?"
Glad you asked. Lets delve in a bit and see if your mind doesn't explode with glee and snacks.
Yesterday in CRB land, it was just shy of 80 degrees, not a cloud in the sky, slight...SLIGHT breeze rustling the trees and we were stuck at our jobs all day long. Missing out on what should have been a wonderful day on the lake. Frolicking around on a pontoon boat all day, drinking beers, eating cheez-its and the finest sliced meats, guacamole, grapes!! (???)...NOT sitting in a god damn office all day long.
Looking out the window and knowing what the weather was and how we are WASTING this perfect day in a suit in an office, which, look, its fine. It has A/C, and snacks and gives us money to pay for things, but, THESE ARE THE DAYS THAT NEED TO BE ENJOYED IN THE OUTDOORS!
So, the concept is such.
You are allotted 4 of these days a year, 4 Pontoon Day cards so to speak.
 |
| YES WE CAN GO ON THAT PONTOON BOAT! |
There are no rules surrounding the why or reasoning behind them, you determine a pontoon day and all you have to do is log on to to www.pontoonday.gov enter your information and notification is sent to your employer that Mr/Ms So and So are exercising their pontoon day and off you go to take your government issued pontoon boat out for a day of fun!
"Ok, Ok, Dig Dug, this idea has merits and seems like a good thing for all," you say, "but, how on earth would this work for all Americans!"
First of all. Pontoon boats are a right that all Americans should be able to enjoy, not just the wealthy, not just the powerful. Its a right we all deserve, its a HUMAN right.
Second of all, the BIG JOB industry has for far to long run roughshod over the poor, taking advantage of loop holes in our pleasure craft industry to effectively exploit the average American and rake in huge profits.
Third of all, in our increasingly online and anxiety filled world, we all need...nay! Deserve the ability to take our mental health seriously and it has been scientifically proven through MANY triple blind tests and experiments that a pontoon boat, when administered properly will almost entirely eliminate all mental health issues AND lead to a very healthy increase in sexual activity of people who only met that day but, damn you look good in that bathing suit.
Lets make mistakes girl.
 |
| No Maria, FOUR days a year, not three. See you at home babe. |
"Ok this is a wonderful idea and should be implemented instantly," you are now yelling this at the top of your lungs, "But, there are like, almost 5 million people in this country, how do we possibly organize that many pontoon boats and keep it clean and orderly and free of the corruption that plagues almost every other aspect of life in this country"
This is a very valid point, as most of us have a natural distrust of government programs and the waste that they inevitably produce.
Sure sure sure, you COULD look at this program that way, like a pessimist, like a hater, and thats fine. That just simply means you haven't been on a pontoon boat recently and your mental state is that of a typical well adjusted human being who just can't see the forest for the trees.
Pontoon boats are basically cure alls, bad things never happen on a lake on a pontoon. Lets break it down.
1) Your floating on water. This is good. The sound of waves lapping against the aluminum tubes of a pontoon boat have been shown to reduce ones stress level by 6.
2) Its a sunny day and you are outside. No one spends a day outside doing anything, hiking in the woods, doing yard work, fixing their motorcycle, playing basketball, whatever, and then get home in a bad mood. No! You get fresh air in your lungs, you get sun on your skin and you FEEL better!
3) We will put garbage cans on the dock so when you get back you can just chuck your empties in there and its good to go for the next person.
See? Its that simple.
 |
| Same, just, cool ass Pontoon Boats and not airplanes. |
Millions of new jobs will be created in the pontoon boat world and the outboard motor world producing all these new boats and motors for the happy citizens.
So many 25 horsepower motors!!!
It will be like after World War 2 when our economy was booming and everyone was having sex and things were the way they were supposed to be!
Nothing bad could ever happen!!!!
Let's Do This America!!!!
Pontoon Days, Lets Float Our Ways To Better Days!!
Ummm...did you know they are waterskiing at the Pan American Games?
 |
But, did you know that there is waterskiing going on at the Pan American Games in Lima??
WE DIDN'T!
Turns out, its probably going on right now! Or maybe its already over!!
If our ability to google stuff works, looks like... /types furiously...
Well, huh, how about that. Regina Jaquess (pronounced Jaquess) is still out there wrecking shit like a boss.
She won gold. As if any of us doubted our cyborg overlord. See? Look here. ClickaLinka
Ok, so, thats it. Looks as though tuesdays action will consist of MOAR SKIING. via the link above.
Tuesday’s action will consist of the men’s and women’s water ski overall events and men’s wakeboarding. Garcia will compete in men’s overall, Jaquess will compete in women’s overall, and Andrew Adkison (Chipley, Fla.) will compete in men’s wakeboarding.Tight Tight Tight. So, anyways, this has been the helpful CRB. As always your #1 source of waterski news.
You're Doing Pontoon Wrong
Its happened to everyone at some point in their lives, a moment that is tucked back into the mind that you remember from time to time and shudder.
You have done something that you are embarrassed about, you have done something that make you feel like a fool, you have acted, the fool.
You need to get home, get grounded, get right with your life. We are all allowed these daliances into the world of silly. Its ok, you get heated about some political issue, you get mad about fire wood, you have a issue with the way someone parks their car, you accidentally murder a a community leader in a fit of rage over their proposed street parking agenda.
LOOK! Its happened to us all, and the bodies that are buried in someone else's backyard that in NO WAY incriminate me to these heinous crimes are in no way a barometer to your own moral misgivings to you cheating on your husband last month. with me. in your car. in a target parking lot. in the morning.
it was good tho. #respect
never the less, in times of trouble, mother mary come to me. speaking words of wisdom. get a pontoon and drink your pain away.
right? Thats the song?
Pretty sure thats right.
These are the moments you need to get right with your god, get centered and back to what makes you a heathoneous person in the first place, a boat with two pontoons and some beer on it, possibly some cheez-its, and most certainly a cadre of sliced turkey and cheese, and for sure some pretzel buns. NOM NOM....quiet now, nom nom.....ok, he is gone, NOM NOM!!!
Eat you glutonous piece of shit! Dance like no one is watching! Eat like your mirror hates you!!
You need to remember what got you here in the first place, you arent' setting agendas at the weekly condo association meeting, no, you are trying get your ass onto the pontoon and get proper.
and then. you get to the dock and see this.
 |
| My grandpa beat me with the sharp end of an axe, so, i do this. Im an idiot. |
Thats three motors.
thats.
What the fuck is that??? Your running three, what, 225s on a god damn pontoon boat? How dare you sir!!!
How do you bring that into our lives. This is pitbull satellite radio being beamed into your head at 1000 miles an hour without your permission, this is a heinous act of aggression to your chilling out and we should, really, be taking them to court over the obscivation of yoru pontooning rights as an American citizen and how they flaunt the laws of common decency with their vulgar display...
...dont say it...
...your going to tho...
their...
That isn't what the boating gods had in mind when they came up with the pontoon. Pontoon is supposed to be about chilling out, slowing meandering about your body of water while sipping on cocktails, eating cheeze-its and...maybe, if your super bold, smoking a joint to "take the edge off"
It is not, this nonsense.
 |
| life in the suburbs is great. I love my bullshit life |
or
 |
| LOL, IM AN ASSHOLE |
or
 |
| I ran over my own dick with a subaru, this is the only way to feel normal. |
or
 |
| im a maga-chud. i wish this could drown me and my sorrows |
This isn't what pontoon is supposed to be about. If you want a fishing boat that has as billion horsepower, go get one. If you want a deck boat go get one. If you want to flaunt that you hate your life, get a run-about.
Tow your dick head kids around the lake on a Saturday at top speed while yelling at your partner about the parking situation in the garage and how your boss makes you feel insignificant.
Dont take that out on your boat!
Boats, any boat, ski boat, pontoon, car, whatever, are weird extensions of your own life. They are not necessities, you don't need a boat, you don't need a car, you don't need a wife, you don't need functioning toilet, you don't need walls...you don't need love, you only need to bow at the alter of the monetary system that controls your world. Give in to the life that those richer then you expect of you.
Do no ask questions. Blindly do what you are told. You fucking sheep ass piece of shit.
You don't need any of that.
But, what you deserve, what you should be promised in the constitution, is the ability to once in a while, to fucking chill out.
To have a beer. Get some sun on that belly you are so mad isn't as flat as it used to be.
To not feel like you owe it to anyone to be anything that you aren't. You have earned that right in this world. And its ok, to be a bit selfish if you feel it.
You don't owe the world shit, you don't owe anyone a 40 hour a week nonsense bullshit plan. You are your own boss in this life.
You dont have to explain to your stupid neighbor why you are taking a few days and spending them on your boat so you can be centered.
In our world these days, so many of us are so uptight, strung so tight that we snap at even the nicest people you meet. You are mean to the person at subway for no reason, what, they didn't put 5 green peppers on your sub and not 6? Slam your dick in a drawer your dipshit.
You chastise the person at target because they didn't immediately acknowledge how serious your stupud bullshit was? Stick a broom up your ass idiot. People live their lives not in a cow-tow situation to your own idiot nonsnese.
Your rude to the cashier as best buy because they aren't moving fast enough and asking the customer if they want the extended warranty?? They are doing their jobs and they sure as hell aren't worried about the fact your kids have to wait an extra five minutes at home with the baby sitter because you were out having an affair and then remembered you needed a god damn optical cable for your video dildo.
Fuck you.
Go out on your god damn pontoon boat and decompress. You need it.
Yes. You.
This is a good start. Right here.
Look close, those people are having a hell of a good time, despite their 80's ass hair metal hair. Bet you $100 bucks they are slamming natty ices and pulling on a joint. Look at the guy in the blue shirt, he is TOTALLY sneaking a bit of a titty grab while Dale......fucking dale.....is checking his email..making sure his dip shit client will skate on his 5th dui.
Or...lets get real. Look at these people!
They are growing weed right there on their boat! Thats a proper chill vessel. There is a grill right there in the bow of the boat, and you can bet your sweet ass they are grilling up hot dogs, kebabs and corn on the cob. They know damn well that Scooter in the office can fuck right off about that PDS report he has been harping on.
Speaking of Scooter, here he is on his boat, trying to be a bad ass. LOL son, you look like a bad pair of boxers after a racquetball match made up entirely of people who eat far too many stool softeners.
(ed note: YUCK)
Look, the point is. 90% of us all need to chill the fuck out, to get out of our own brains and enjoy our lifes a litle bit more. There is no prize for being 80 years old and someone slapping you on the dick and saying, "great job working that sunday"
Nah, it doesn't happen. Its all regets when we get old. We regret not skiing that one pass, we regret not talking to that one girl, we regret...we regret.
Lets be more like Dale and Johnson here in their super on brand pontoon, just go fucking fishing man. Take a god damn load off, catch your self a trout and look at it in its fish face and say, "bro, i love you, but, I ate a 1/2 tab of acid and you look like a god damn dna sequence of a turtle"
 |
| Turtles are so dope tho bro |
sup
Broken Trick Ski
Its never easy to let go of something that has been with you for a long time, relationships, friends, items, housing, cars, all for for various reasons take a hold of a little place in your hearts and when they leave, get sold, get lost, hurt just a little more then they should.
The other day the crb staff was out on one of our corporate mandated ski days. These are, for those who don't know, are days required by our corporate overlords where we take out the ski masterbu and ski all day, regardless if we want to or not.
Naturally, Megan from accounts payable went first...because, honestly, she is the best skier that we have at crb, and also, she likes to think that nabbing the best of the meats we have stacked in the cooler and then skiing right away absolves her of the fact that she ate ALL THE GOOD MEATS.
 |
| wake 180 to NOMS |
but...thats something for HR to figure out, as a CRBoard member, I just crack open an old style and chuckle.
"girl has moxie", I say, to the walkie talkie that is connected to nothing, because I am a moron, "She deserves the protein"
And the reverie goes on all day. If you have ever witnesses a CRBday on the water you know that the skiing is secondary, as it should be, as its really pretty bad. Normally Jacob, who works in shipping and receiving, is throwing up by 10:30 am.
Which is odd, because as policy, CRB doesn't open until after lunch time. So, he may have some issues to deal with that are not quite something we can deal with. If you can't get to work on time after a burger and a beer at Red Brick Bar and Grill, then...well, thats on you.
Anyways.
Corporate ski days are nothing to be trifled with.
 |
| see, this is a god damn chicken noodle soup flip you noobs |
A corporate restructure a few years back included this as a requirement for advancement in the CRB corporation. Which, really reduced waterskiing to an annoyment when it really should have been for fun, but, thats the world we live in. Everything in monetized and fun is bad.
Never the less.
Chad, who works in our new digital development department, decided to wager on his trick ski run. And wouldn't you know it, he threw down the following wager.
FOUR BOXES OF CHEDDAR JACK CHEEZ-ITS.
Winner has to buy the loser 4 god damn boxes of cheddar jack cheez its.
CHALLANGE ACCEPTED.
We aren't about to be embarrassed by a toned ass man-bitch. son, you are about to feel the wrath of a possibly 1000 point trick ski run on your ass.
Now, however our hubris, we working from a disadvantage.
Our trick ski, that we have had and loved for years was getting old. Its been with us for ever, through ups and downs, brown hair and gray hair, for healed and broken bones, though heart ache and triumph.
Its always in the ski shed.
it...in an strange way provides comfort.
Because no matter what else is going on, our girl is still there ready to take on the challenge.
We have noticed, in the last few years, that the ski is not quite as stout as it used to be. And don't get us wrong, its still got its moments, but, they are not as prevalent as before.
Everyone knows that over time, a ski starts to wear out. In our history, we had a kidder redline, that eventually as the ski began to age, we could over ski. It got tired, it got old. It lived its life. No shame, but there is sadness in remembering the history when the ski was strong.
 |
| no, the skis aren't supposed to be the shelfs...damnit karen |
This is the same scenario with our trick ski. its something we have had for damn near half our life. Always ready to get in the boat, always ready for play time on the water, always ready for whatever we were ready to do.
But over time, we began to notice it wasn't as quick on its feet as it used to be. Willing, mind you, but, not quite as frisky as it used to be.
And this isn't something that we caught right away, when you are with something everyday, you don't notice the decline until it slaps you in the face. A holy shit moment, like, oh.....i can't do my wake 360 as easy.....are you getting weak in your flex area on the wake???
By this point, though, it doesn't matter because we will put our trick ski up with anyone.
"bitch, you think you got shit," said us, "ill stomp your ass...maybe"
So, chad goes out and does what to a normal person, a layperson...you know, a moron, would be considered a decent run. We checked with the judges score card and we were able to determine the his run was this:
180 to quick nibble on a turkey and cheese
side slide
reverse side slide
reverse 180 to wake 540 to pulling a bag of fritos out of vest to mouth
triple whirly bird
(ed note: WTF??)
reverse 180 to shot gun a miller lite
Not bad right?????
so, ok, fuck this guy. Like dig dug is getting owned like that. we got that wake to eat turkey sandwich move down pat. and the fritos thing? thats our original. No one knows about the turkey chili bong move we have hidden from the eyes of the tabloids.
Like we want water ski magazines fucking facebook page to point out us eating delicious chili while executing a perfect wake to wake fashion air.
No, you do not, the paparazzi does not need to see that.
Look, lets be honest, tensions in the boat are high, Chad is talking big nonsense, like he is the king of the lake. Because he was able to keep the turkey sandwich dry.
Shit, "bitch, a grandma with rickets could keep a turkey sandwich dry behind this boat, fool."
That shut him down. But the tension was real.
We has to back up our astonishly stupid bullshit hubris with a decent trick run.
"Hey, you loser, you cant do a wake 180 with a sandwich in your hand, you pussy"
oh...right? this is what is being yelled at us while we are just trying to snarf down a pre-lunch snack prior to dominating this fools ass on a trick ski.
"OH YEAH" we yell through a mouth full of cheez its and craft cheddar cheese, "LETS SEE WHO CAN DO A DOUBLE LARGE MOUF BASS"
.....
.....
OH SHIT
.....
....
The gauntlet had been thrown down. NO ONE EVER, EVER, went there anymore. Not after Jennie tried it and was impaled 10 times by the pylon in her own boat. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN.
Not even scientist or meterioroligist can figure it out.
But we think Lil Jon had something to do with it. Probably a severe twerk injury, but, a 10 time impale really, left something for the sweat to drop down those balls.
No matter, like Dig Dig is ever one to back down from a rap battle. This not being a rap battle was a problem.....fuck it LETS GO.
The feeling around the dock was so decidedly cold, or at least, skeptical. No one has successfully done the double large mouf bass and lived to tell about it. There have been rumors on the chat boards that people have seen it done, but...the videos they have posted have either been one of two things.
1) big foot ass shit. Grainy non-sense. not suitable for viewing because, there is no way to tell if they transitioned from whirly-bird to railey to 3 tier presto into a 4 tier.
2) some bullshit where it feels like different clips are spliced together to make it look like someone...or something completed a DOUBLE LARGE MOUF BASS.
Its impossible.
but.
we are not wimps, we will not back down from a challenge.
Its go time.
For those unaware of what the double large mouf bass is, its pretty simple really, but, it requires somehow re-arranging the laws of time and physics. As it begins with one person and somehow ends with two three-tier pyramids transitioning into a single four tier behind a different boat with all the skier with a different mentality.
But, you have never skied on our ski.
Shit is magical.
Its been with us forever and if any ski could make something like that happen. It this one.
Now, again....for this trick to work, it needs alot of logisitcs, you needs two boats running side-by-side, you need a good trick skier (we are not) and the ability to launch out of the second triple whirly bird on the the top of the three high pyramid at the exact moment they transition into a presto'd four tier pyramid ALSO at the moment they somehow are able to to switch the ropes from your boat to the other boat via some cable mechanism.
SO DUMB .
Our first two tries resulted in, suprisingly, only three deaths, the boat driver, the top person on the pyramid and oddly, the other boat driver as she took a show board directly into her brain.
Odd.
But did that slow us down?
NOPE
On our final try, everything was set up perfect. Both boats were ready.
We were fired up, knowing that, Sure, a triple whirly bird is...i guess...possible, i havent made a side slide...you know, ever...but fuck it lets go.
so, all 9 boats fired up and took off. Our boat, the pyramid boat and the 7 boats we hired to shoot off fire works and have dancing people in the off-chance we pull shit off.
we eased outside the wake. Preparing for our triple whirley bird....and for those of you who dont know, a triple whirley bird is something that is written about in ancient scrolls. like, mayans used to do it as a way to ward off sars, or some shit. they had hella fuel-enjected pyramids back in the day.
so, a triple whirley bird requires both timing (hitting the wake the right way) and luck (being super lucky?)
Because of course, this was a challenge, none of the smart things you normally think are out the window..."We have to win!" said an idiot...same person on the ski, who will probably die in 2 minutes, "but i love the veggie tray from the grocery strore"
Idiot.
Never the less, this is CRB on the water day, and we can't back down to challenge.
We lit out to the left.....and cut as hard as we could to the right, ready to hit the wake just right and with enough lift to carry off THREE whirley birds, when just at that split second.
Wouldn't you know it.
 |
| I see your mom down there, bitch |
.......
We realized, this is the dumbest shit ever. We can barely do a wake to wake jump and land without eating various dicks whilst in the water.
Chad can just fuck off, the other boats and skiers just have to understand, "Yeah, waterskiing people are wild, yo"
We woke up floating in the lake with a few teeth missing, because we hit the water so hard, hubris is a bitch.
As we sat there floating in the water trying to score a milwaukees best and maybe a few spare pretzel bites we were reminding of our situation by a tooth floating by.
"oh, wow, that was a nasty fall..." said, us. "hope this blood is hypoallergenic"
Then we kicked off our ski and as it floated to the surface, it noticed, that it was bent in half. Right between the front and back binding.
"whoa" we said.
Our ski, we have had since about 15 years ago is dead.
We knew it was going, it wasn't' as sharp in the wakes, felt a bit more sloppy landing flips, but, to see it right there in front of you..without anything left it in it.
That was alot for us to handle. It had been with us from our early years, to our, wherever we are now. You take it for granted. You dont think of it every day, but, you know its there....by your side whenever you need.
"Oh shit son, you need a wake 360 followed by a burrito eat?, yeah, I got you!" -us
And now..now what.
Our ski it broken, its not going to be with us on our daily adventures, nor, will we have to put it up on its shelf at night.
yeah, sure, we could get a ski that would perform better, but..
we ski the best....we feel the best, we are happy the most on that ski...and now its gone.
Fuck you chad, yeah, we lost the ski battle. And we couldn't do DOUBLE LARGE MOUF BASS, and "bitch neither could you" but, that doesn't matter.
The boats are still going to run, the skiers are still going to ski, life is still going to continue.
You can be sad for the loss of of your ski. Your favorite ski. The one that provided reassurance to your life. But, skis live their life to you, they give their live to you. You have to let them go when their time comes.
Funny thing is, you have yelled at that ski "WHY COULDN"T YOU LAND THAT" you have consoled that ski "I should have been able to do that" and sometimes you just happen to look at the ski and it fills you with joy, "i see you bro, soon"
We will find a new ski and enjoy that too...but man, we really loved that ski*
Flow Point TV and a Quick Rant
Flow Point TV and Marcus Brown have brought us this love letter to collegiate skiing.
I watched this and immidiatly started looking to see where Nationals will be this year. Damn, that brings back all the fun memories and...yada yada gray hair old people words about past experiences. This got me thinking, what are we doing wrong with 3 event today that college skiing is the only bright spot in our sport right now? The Green Lightning tournament hosted by Jeff Surdej is the only team style tournament I know of, there are probably more but since we do such an absolutely shit job of promoting our sport, even to those like us here at the CRB world headquarters who love the sport and want to know whats going on.
Ok, I'm going to go yell at inanimate objects and any kids that get near my yard.
Nut Huggin
The Lament / The Regret / The Ascent
Things happen sometimes
Sometimes its the right reason
Sometimes its just life
Desire, passion
Nothing to bill collectors
push aside to live
Life can seem unfair
Its a part of you
That provides the energy
For everything else
But its now shadows
Collecting dust in the shed
Thats where the fun sits
Life can seem unfair
Ego comes from lake
Identity swirls in blue
The tough transition
The burn is alive
The strive to achieve still burns
That burn is on low
Life can seem unfair
Boat was in garage
Boat was replaced by real life
Boat was sold to friend
Skis collecting dust
Old wetsuits stored in basement
The fire dims...slightly
Life can seem unfair
Priorities change
Satisfaction comes different
You're still there for me
I've put you aside
For a moment, for a spell
Chill for a second
Life can seem unfair
The things that mattered
What gave you purpose and life
They are changed now
You have to work more
You are on your own payroll
Nothing free again
Life can seem unfair
Is it though? for real?
Maybe you are now the bank
You are now the rock
You are what is strong
You must now provide that spark
You are the reason
Life can seem unfair
If its important
If it matters now at all
Nothing should stop you
Its just a slight change
In your mental thought process
You aren't what you were
Life can seem unfair
Your better then that
You have grown beyond nonsense
You will never fail
Circular notion
It all comes around to you
Its your time to shine
Life can be unfair
They cant bring you down
Life cant stop your good desire
You just have to try
You won't always win
Nor, will you always succeed
Sometimes you just sit
Life can be unfair
Fight through that bullshit
Set your sights high, with purpose
Maybe you get close
Maybe its awful
Its still an effort you gave
Its fine, you don't lose
Life can be unfair
Try again, harder
Maybe, maybe not, its life
Keep that fire burning
The lake, forever
The passion, never ending
The desire, varies
Life can be unfair
Hold it close, the fire
Real life always interferes
Never stops passion
Things will be awesome
That day when we achieve it
Feeling of success
Life can be unfair
Life can be unfair
It can provide the real truth
Actual reason
For our real effort
Why we work and live that life
Because there is more
Life can be unfair
It will never change
Life always tempts your real truth
It hurts your real soul
Life can be unfair
We are given life
To go attack our dream
In whatever way
Age is no matter
Life doesn't discriminate
Only your self does
Life can be unfair
Attack you chances
Don't give in to bad impulse
And that boat may move
You can always strive
Your personal best is right there
Fucking go get it
Life can be awesome
Smooth Move Thomas
Damn, its too rough to ski today
This is Interstate 10 in Houston. We joke about this but in all honesty we hope everyone stays safe in Houston, SE Texas and other areas affected by this storm. The massive amount of water that has been dumped and is still falling is mind boggling.
Malibu Open Moves To Trophy Lakes
 |
Earlier this week, word started to leak out that the Malibu Open, the only real big 3-event tournament, and/or non-show ski tournament held in the mid-west, was cancelled because of an algae bloom in the little lake in downtown milwaukee that it was held.
This sucks for those of us who really like big time waterski tournaments held in more public locations. If you are one of those who prefer a private location with no public interest, then...well, the rest of this isn't for you.
But, before we get to far, lets take a quick look at the beauty that is the Malibu Open.
Do you see that? Thats profesional level skiing in a downtown location! In a major city!
Why is this important?? Why should this matter to all of us???
Because the Malibu Open has been held at Veterans Park in down town Milwaukee for like 8 years, and when done right, rivals the LA Night Jam for sheer beauty of skiing set against a back drop.
"Oh, but, CRB, you should see when people ski at my uncles farm if noonegivesashit, Utah" - idiot person.
Let us retort.
Guess who wasn't watching.
People.
Regular people.
People that don't have an access point to our sport.
People that don't understand what Ryan Dodd just did is incredible. But NO ONE WAS THERE TO SEE IT!
Now, lets be honest here, most of media consumption nowdays is not in person, its via computers or phones and what not, and that isn't something that should suprise us or make us feel weird. Thats a big time thing for all sports. We are never going to go in person and watch a swim meet, but, will watch online.
We will nev....just kidding, we totally will go watch beach volleyball, because under the lights, with beers in hand and hot bodies in sand...well, life isn't so bad bub.
This is what our sport has. In spades. Lets be real, have you seen any of the CRB staff in person on the water? Shoot, you would be trying to get pregnant or receive impregnation if you did*
*note: 1/2 our office is out on maternaty leave. so, please stop.
One of the biggest things we have yakked about on the CRB since its inception in 1992, was getting our sport in front of people, let people see how awesome our people are. In whatever aspect it is, wakeboarding, cock skiing, show skiing, kneeboarding...Whatever!
Which is why, as much as we love this site, this hurts a little.
Trophy Lakes is awesome and we know people that worked, skied, lived, maybe had sex there??
WHO KNOWS!
Dongs do what dongs do, yo.
But, this isn't in a downtown location, in a big-ish city where people can randomly walk by and watch the best skiers we have to offer. Its not some sort of death-nell, but, damnit, this is one of those things that really gives us hope for our sport and the future.
A hundred years ago, there was a pro tournament in Altomonte Springs, Florida. Kinda near a Perfomance ski and surf. We bought a hat there once. And a pair of jumpers....broke one of them and lost the other. You decide which*
*jumpers broke. hat lost. probably still at sunset lakes. damn irish.
 |
| Excuse me??? |
Nothing! Never mind!!
But, that was our first experiance with big time skiing in a big time location! Serious, we saw Carl Roberge jump like...right around 200 if we remember right, it was mind fucking blowing to see that as a little 8 year old girl* in 1996.
*?? who knows
The important part to us, at least, is getting our sport into a public realm, which is why we liked the Malibu in Milwaukee so much. There is no perfect site in our sport that melds public availability and design for the skiers that we are aware of.
There is always a percentage of give or take on either side, but, to us, this site seemed to be as close as you could get...at least in the US.
We have never been to the Moomba, so, maybe that is better, but, record setting ski runs on a private lake that you don't hear about until someone puts it on twitter a day latter....ehhh....that doesn't seem to have the same juice.
Look at that! That site!!! That location!!!
This is not meant to be a doom-boner post (trademark: CRB) about the strength of our sport, more a love letter to this particular tournament and the hope that it doesn't leave this location next year. We are aware of logistical and financial matters that are associated with this tournament, just as we are aware of logistical and financial matters associated with your mom*
*BURN!
Big time skiing done right in front of people who may not even know what it is, is the fresh blood the oxygen mask that helps us out. It gives people an access point into the sport, maybe they leave not even caring about anything other then, "damn, that was kinda fun and wow my herpes is acting up", but, at least the first part of the sentence was cool.
As we were driving up to the Malibu this week in the chevette, we were discussing which strain of weed is the best for keeping your anxiety at bay and helping your sex drive.
But, wait. shit. what? Wish there was a delete button on the CRBomputer.
Anyways, we were talking about, ways to bring...not even the sport as much, as the personalities behind our sport to the poeple. Something we have been talking about in that god damn chevette for 15 years.
And it really comes down to, getting our athletes out in front of poeple that have no idea what this is, and, for that matter, out in front of poeple that DO know what this is.
But, we have to give them access to it, and damnit, losing this year in Milwaukee hurts and we hope that they come back next year harder and stronger then before.
Our sport needs it, lets get us out into the people, into the unknowing public and if done right, they will realize how dope our shit is, its not bit sizable like the NFL or MLB, its a event...but, we've been to events that are produced well and water skiing in any form, when done right production wise, can be a draw that we can, right now, only dream about.
Hey Man, Whats Up?
yooooooooooooo!!!!!, ive been out here for years. eating berries and shit. do you have any idea how long i have been alone? covering these woods looking for food?
i can barely use capital letters.
shoot, when i saw you driving down the river...i just got a huge skate boner bro.
sorry to wreck your chill sesh.
christ, you should see my pubes. its like a jewish holiday down there.
people be hanging lights and what not
oh, thats not..whatever brah. you got ta try this dank. your ass will be low iq for hours. its amazing.
oh. my. god, you have cheez its in there? lemme get a taste...ive been killing and eating wild life for like i dont know, 9 years, just to get by, its some into the wild type life stuff going on brah
you ever had fried bird. its rank but gets you feelings brah.
what?
yeah.
watch out for that log my dude.
no, i didn't mean it that way, cmon man, ive been out in the wild for so long, i dont even know
yeah no, just keep driving dude.
yeah like, another little bit .
yeah.
brah
im bout to go eat that deer alive brah, i gots to get that protein.
bro.
jeah.
oh dang, there is my moms...nvm. im good son. thanks for the wave. quit warehousing the beer bro, gimme one of them. dont be a hater.
aight, later
The Masters Recap Vid
Marcus Brown dropped another really good vid, love the stuff he does! This is his Masters recap.
Arriving At Your Moms House Like
Like a gloveThe Blender...yay Skurfer
The Best We Have Ever Skiied
After we posted the obnoxiously depressing post about being bad at skiing we were sitting around thinking about the exact opposite, the singular best moment we have ever had skiing.
 |
| Is that your mom down there? |
The best is not a term that can be ascribed to a specific occasion, or result...it can simply be the best feeling, the best moment, the culmination of work, it can be 69'ing on a saucer.
Its really in the eye of the beholder.
So to speak.
If you were to thinking about it, say an Olympic figure skaters best performance was their gold medal skating routine, but, in their eyes, it could not be. Maybe the most symbolic, but, not their best. That could have been in a training round, in practice, etc.
Or think of it from your waterski perspective, you winning a tournament, or setting a record or whatever, its something big, but, is that the best you have skied?
So, we talking about it around the CRB office, and most of us came up with times that no one else had seen, or would even recognize as "the best"
When we were younger, we skied on a show ski team in a state that has a show ski team, and in and area that has boats and green grass and weed.
There were three times that we felt that we were at our best.
Quickly, here are the three times.
1) in a ski show, the boat was turning around, we were prepared to do our act in front of the people at the site, and we remember looking ahead and seeing all the people and realizing that this is awesome, and this is really fun and we (ourselves and the rest of the people with us) were totally in control and confident and ready to really do a good job.
And in truth, it was that good. But the feeling coming in completely confident in everything was awesome.
2) Same ski show, we practiced the show once at a location, and it was bad. So, we contacted some friends who had a different site and they said we could ski there for a 1/2 hour, and we were all angry with our performance and wanted to try it again. And we were able to run through our trick jump act perfectly, it only took one try and it was as if we all got our heads out of our ass and did what needed to be done.
There was no one there to see it, but, the team vibe and the effort put forth was one of the best.
3) Finally, the best individual skiing we have ever done was at a 3-event tournament a 100 years ago, we had a sweet Kidder Redline slalom ski and, while it was a few years old, was still a better ski then we could properly ski.
Until that day, maybe it was the girls that were watching, or just the site or whatever, but, that poor ski couldn't keep up. The feeling of being 100% in touch with your slalom ski, knowing that each move you do with your body provides a equal result on the water is phenomenal.
No idea what line length we were at when we fell, it wasn't some record breaking thing, maybe 21 off? 28? Not sure, but, the lake we were on was just about as wide as the slalom course, we ended up skipping out at the three ball and ended up on the beach.
But, the result was irrelevant, it was the best feeling we have ever had on a ski ever, most confident, it was something that someone who doesn't ski or even compete in sports wouldn't know. That absolute belief in yourself and your ability. Whatever level that is.
The peak of your perfection may not mean anything to anyone else, but, it does to you and you should always be proud of that. Thats why we do what we do, aiming to be better.
Sure, the next best moment may not be as great as what we did, or maybe better. But, its the best that it is NOW!
Live that life!
Remember When You Sucked At Skiing?
We do!
It was 20 years ago, also, 5 hours ago.
We suck at skiing now. And it blows.
We have real jobs now and can't ski all the time, we have to support the family and it sucks, we have bills to pay and, while that is a self-inflicted wound, it still sucks.
 |
| Im Moist baby, hit me. |
Lets take a trip down memory lane, and this doesn't apply to the 1% of people that can make money from skiing and not have to worry, but the rest of us. The ones that, at one point in our lives, were able to ski for fun, and now...
When we were younger and middle age was some bullshit that other people went through, skiing was simply the means to an end, we skied, we competed, we had fun and that was all there was to it. There was no end result that we aimed for.
Close your eyes and remember.
You know you do.
Waking up early in the morning, you met your friends for an early morning set. The water was always calm, it wasn't always warm, but, water was calm.
You could see some people driving to work, probably looking at the lake as they drove by and being jealous of you.
But, you had something to prove.
You shook off the rust from the night before, strapped on your gear, and got ready.
HIT IT.
Off the dock you go, looking back over your shoulder at the jump. Thinking about what you had to work on, distance? well, that was part of it, but, you know you needed to move your jump set down a little, would it freak you out? Maybe!
But this is why you are here. Get it.
Hit that mother fucker, don't be scared. Lets do this.
Boat turns around, you ski past the bar thats right there on your left as you go by...first jump, lets take it kinda easy, you ease out on a nice 3/4 cut...
Timing, timing, timing,
You start to go towards the ramp, SHIT WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE, GO GO GO.
RAHHHHH.
early.
God damnit...
PASS.
You idiot, you know this, you are always early.
Shit shit shit, water is cold....sink sink sink sink.
Brrrrrrrrr.
Shit, ok, first one is out of the way.
Your buddy behind the wheel as they get back to you, "what the fuck pussy?"
"yeah, we know shut up"
Boat picks you up, you restart the process, easy dude. You were early, you can do it, nice and easy, edge into the ramp with acceleration, be aggressive but calm. Come on, you can do this.
 |
| This is us leaving your moms bedroom |
Pass the bar, here is the buoy, lets go, nice and easy...
Cut out, easy 3/4 again, lets get our legs under us, calm, calm, deep breath.
Cut, cut, cut harder, ok GET IT NOW,
RAHHHH,
Clack, Thwick, Fly!
Land.
Look behind you. Gauge your distance.
SHIT!
You bitch, ohhh, now we are pissed. That was bullshit, you know you can push that down, you were early again, that was horse shit.
Calm your self right now, don't be do aggressive, you got this. DEEP BREATH. Rope between your legs...calm.
You got this shit son. You think your friends are going to let you forget this...cmon, get real, crush that ramp, its yours, you got it.
Ok, boat is turning now, clear your mind, get your mind right, let kill this one.
Pass the bar, coasting in the left curl of the boat wake...
buoy goes buy, hard on left ski out to the right of the boat, accelerate.......swing wide....decelerate, sink, progressive cut, hands down, hard on the right ski....
GO....
RAHHHHH
BOOOOOOOM
Flight!!
There it is, that felt good.
/pats head
Take me back, that was is, that felt good. Thats something to work on. Ok, get this wetsuit off, my turn to drive. We got 45 minutes then got to be at work, SHIT that felt good. Going to kill that fucker tomorrow.
Back to reality.
Here we are now, with that life in the rear view mirror and how much does that suck!!
You aren't working summer jobs anymore, your at your house being miserable watching the last episode of the fucking blindspot and worrying about your next work day and that your boss isn't going to be mad about your last prospective client report.
The feeling of a free mind and simply getting your buddies together to ski, and then go to work, which you didn't give a shit about, because you always had the boat and your skis as your back up plan.
You were going to be Sammy Duvall, or Carl Roberge, and now you are just trying not to be fucking James Sampson the ass kissing piece of shit from the west side office location.
This is bullshit, but it is the reality.
Every one has this problem in their life, any organized sport, hell, any thing at all always ultimately is a bullshit hassle at the end of the day. No one who played football has a happy ending unless you are the best of all time, and even then, your best days are behind you at, AT BEST, 40 years old.
 |
| 40? Shit, I am 18 and have a retirement plant and 4 kids. Ill be dead in 8 years. |
But, you won't be.
A number of years ago we skied at Travers Ski School and the dang coaches at the time, the people who just drove our janky ass's around were the upper 5% of all skiers.
Oh, hey! Thanks for helping me get to 100 foot jump buddy, now I am going to drink a beer and watch you crank a 210 footer out there and never hear your name again ever.
Shit it brutal, there are only so many Nate Smiffs, Reginas, Dodds, Freddys, Martins, etc, that are good enough to make dent...
But, here is the truth, while its fun to watch them, they have no bearing on us at all...because, we can/would never be them. They are the freaks, they are the NFL players, of the waterski world. We have no chance of ever being in the same discussion with them, so we ignore it.
We have our local tournament to worry about, we heard that this person was able to score ramp time from a local college team and they are in the 120's and Damnit! We want that trophy!!
Thats the pull of skiing. The pull of competitive skiing, we aren't aiming for the super bowl, we are aiming for our little slice of the pie, and its fine that any number of people could actually walk in and slice us up.
But in our little moment we are gods, god damnit.
And then we actually ski, and we suck. Because life is a never ending bastard and we aren't good anymore.
But, shit, we want to be. And that simple thing will drive us until we are dead. We are going to try and be better then you, and better then we were yesterday.
Flips While Flipping
Lt. Daniels Adjusts To Life In 2017
Take a breath Lt. Daniels, it may not make sense to you right now, but, thats ok.
Every generation has this, people explore themselves, their relationship with their fellow human, redefine ones assumptions of gender identity.
Besides, a Trebuchet is a pretty cool type of catapult, imagine hooking up with one of those at a ski tournament.
Someone is pregnant.
Just not sure whom
Lets All Get Epilepsy!
This is Echoes, a 30 ish minute immersion into awesome from Pink Floyd. This particular version is from David Gilmore in 2008 from his Live In Gdansk concert.
In case you were wondering how Gdansk is pronounced, its simple.
Gdansk = Jaquess
David Gilmore, live in Jaquess.
Boosh. Make it full screen. Smoke some weed.
You will die soon.
Holy Moly - Get This Kid On A Show Ski Team
"For every back-flip you get a cookie" | Kid: Look at this! My lord, and he sticks the landing! Amazing.
Strap some 68 inch jumpers on that kid, point him toward a ramp.
Sit back and collect your 500 point show ski act.
Legend in the making
CRB Valentines Help: 2017
 |
| Oh baby, you got me a bong?! |
Because, lets be honest, 90% of people about 50% of the time turn to the crb 25% of the time for 5% of their love live needs.
If you are a math person that equals like 170% of people, so, good luck with your e-harmonize and your tinder and your healthy relationships. We are here to offer you the proper V-Day syllabus.
- Get something that comes from the ground that is colorful.
- Weed is a good start, its mostly legal and removes inhibitions
- edibles are also nice. a ginger bread cookie or mushrooms are never not a thing that you could do.
- Flowers sure, why not. Get the expensive ones, roses are nonsense, but, get ones that smell good. Trust us. We are divorced
- Long car.
- don't be an idiot, spring for a limo. be it a Lincoln or a hummer or a, whatever, ford.
- If that is not realistic, at least, leave your car just like it is normally..because nothing says love like, "here, wait, let me get these empty water bottles off my seat quick...also, ignore the court ordered summons and black tar heroin on the floor mats"
- Remember this day isn't about you
- And its not about your other 1/2. its about mass consumerism and light bondage
- also: banging.
- flowers aren't bad.
- Oreo cookies are not wise.
- Chicken Noodle Soup is messy, and really a bad choice for bed time playtime. Your sheets are damp as hell now you idiot.
- Good lord, don't take advice from this website. Only two things would happen
- Instant pregnancy
- Taco bell Drive through.
Both of those are bad!!! Kids and mass-constructed tacos are bad for your financially and health wise!!!
So, what do we do?
Go to a restaurant, order two cobb salads, (heavy on the ham and green peppers) and 3 bottles of wine.
Then fall asleep on the couch watching house on netflix.
Thats it. Don't over think it. oh...get a slice of apple pie and use that in the bed room. Its never not a bad idea. Serious, you will have triplets in 2 months if you do this. Why?
Because this is America still. Isn't it?
If you are lucky enough to have someone that can deal with your shit on a daily basis and you are happy with them, or at least not homicidal, then you are on to something.
That is a step up from some. We have been murdered two or three times at least this year alone. Thats always a bad thing. The dry cleaning bills alone make it not worth your own death after 2 of them.
There, now you have all you need to know to make this valentines day perfect.
Also, tip for the professionals out there. Flavor blasted gold fish always set a romantic mood.
Eat a couple of those and
/takes off pants
/slips and falls out of the window (somehow)
/gets run over by a garbage truck
AGAIN????
CRB Reviews Tow Vehicles - 2017 Chevy Silverado
Often times we are queried from the waterski community on our opinion on various waterski related topics, from nutrition, to equipment, to health, to drugs, to cold cuts...it runs the gamut.
One of the more interesting questions that we receive at CRB HQ is what is the best vehicle to tow your boat. In this and on-going posts, we will discuss and grade the various offerings out in the marketplace for how well they tow boats.
CRB REVIEWS TOW VEHICLE: 2017 Chevrolet Silverado
 |
| You can't afford me |
This truck looks tough as hell. Pick ups have seem to be like someone in their late teens, can't quite decide what look they want to go for. Changing dramatically every couple of years. You tell someone you have a Silverado and they probably think of the early 2000's version or maybe the square headlamps version from around 08 and on.
Never the less, its a good looking rig
 |
| The new apps are bonkers |
Comfort:
It has alot of tech stuff going on, cameras and bluetooth and buttons to push that you aren't always sure what they do. Sometimes music plays, sometimes a small dildo comes out of the glove box.
How did you know Sheila was so in need Chevy???
Some trucks now have things that help with the brakes of the trailer, but, our biggest beef and maybe its changed is, that, we wish there was a way for the back up camera to point straight down at the hitch so when loading up the trailer, you could be really accurate.
Also the seats are pretty good, we guess, and at least the CRB truck the center console part flips up so you can have a sort of bench seat up front for either having sex or getting extra day laborers in for your landscape job.
but, mostly the sex part.
Pro tip: Do this while driving on the highway! Blueberry flavored orgasms y'all.
 |
| See this plow? Curious? Ask your mum. |
Power:
It has a big ass engine, so hauling a boat around is really not a problem. And probably gets ok mileage. If you don't have a heavy foot.
Pansy.
There is crazy technology now, so, it has like, we don't know, 400 horsepower and enough torque to pull your house 3 feet to the west so your bitch ass neighbor quits complaining their property line and how your house and/or your slip and slide quite encroaching on their land.
God, our neighbor is a whiner.
Dude, just because your family life is in ruins because you can't perform is by no means a reason to not return our damn lawn mower and cat.
 |
| Didn't use their blinker. |
Behind the Wheel:
Pretty darn good. Its powerful, drives pretty nice. Not a sports car, but, doesn't trip over its own dick. Serious thought, we would really like our cat back. That isn't something that even makes sense in the terms of the unspoken agreement that neighbors have.
Its one thing to forget about an inanimate object, like a lawn mower.
Even thought is a riding god damn lawn mower, not something that gets lost in the garage.
But, you have our cat. You have to like, feed it and clean the litter box.
Your doing that right? Jesus Doug, you aren't just letting Meow Zedong just poop wherever are you? C'mon man! Have some dignity!!!
Serious though, if this is something you need to talk about, 90% of the CRB is on the deck in the evening grilling up meats and drinking beers most nights, just come by and we can help. Samantha in A/R has been through some things in her life and would be happy to help out. She has a degree in something from a place we hadn't heard of. But, she berated us for our lack of snacks in our waiting room, so she was hired with extreme prejudice, and with a healthy raise after 1 day.
 |
| Quit eating so much corn Doug |
Final Thoughts:
What we are saying dude, is that, if you need some help with things, its ok. We all go through that, its nothing to be embarrassed about. Life is not something that one can go through alone without at least having someone to bounce things off of. Otherwise you end up wearing chaps and a clown nose and doing hand stands in your back yard for beggars quarters.
At least that is what we have heard.
Shut up. It was a phase.
So for real, every thursday at CRB homefront, we make ribs and only drink either fruitopia w/ vodka or fireball with tabasco and mellow yellow.
We don't know either, its really bad and dumb. But, fun!!
Come by, no questions asked. Other then where the hell is our cat and mower. And yo, we make hella ribs. Not the bullshit short ribs either, the meaty ass ones that come from the shoulder area. They are worth it, the smoker goes for like 12 hours, various brisquites and ribs, covered in the CRBsauce. Which is mainly water, ketchup, jalepenos, salt, pepper, and grape jelly.
Come on by Doug, we are worried about you.
On second thought, we will just come over. This is becoming something more then we can bare.
Oh, and the truck is fine. Its floating in the pool. Yolo Son.
 |
| No doug, that is not YOLO |
CRB Cooking School: Coffee
 |
| Beans are spilled |
Description: A typical morning beverage for people who stay up to late at night writting silly blog posts on a waterski based website that they haven't figured out a way to monitize yet. Maybe?
Why?: General laziness mainly, as we offended the google ad people by having nudity on the site a few years ago so that didn't work, and from there we aren't sure what to do, despite like, hundreds of thousands of salary going to our unpaid interns. College, haha, right?
OH! Why coffee, because its A) a morning drink that helps you wake up and B) a nice routine based item to help us live out the rest of our days with a sense of calm instead of shrieking dispair.
What do you need? Coffee beans. Duh. and a coffee maker, and depending on the state of your beans, also a grinder.
So, in order
1) Aquire beans. Go to the store, either a grocery store or your local coffee shop and acquire beans.
Some people get all huffy of what kind of beans, its like the beer snobs, its whatever you like. There are heavy type coffee and light type...ask the person working there for help. Thats what they do! But as a general rule of thumb - - darker, heavier coffees are for people who have a wider palate of tastes, where as, lighter coffee tends to be for people who like sea food and think pepper is to spicy for their chicken wings*
2) Have coffee maker. This is an apparatus that puts hot water through ground beans and a filter into a big glass jug. Which you then pour from into a smaller jug. Then goes into your face.
3) Coffee grinder: If you have beans that are un-ground. Get one of these, you get them at a store. Its a thing that grinds beans into a powder. Like your cocaine. The CRB Grinder is in the floor behind the shelf because someone got drunk and knocked it onto the ground.
Because apathy. Its pathetic. Also, it was me. and I wasn't drunk. And it wasn't on the ground. It was on a different shelf that I forgot about. Also, I don't own one. So the other shelf was the one at the store. Which I don't go to. Whatever, they cost like 5 dollars. Get two of them. one for coffee and one for achiote paste. Thats something we will tackle at a later cooking school. Its used for pork mostly. Its really good and has nothing to do with coffee.
How do you make it? Its really pretty easy.
You simply get a filter and put it in the tray thing in the coffee maker. Which, yes, you should also get filters. They are located at the store by the coffee and grinders, and also, like, one row away from condoms, which you don't need.
Put the filter in the thing. Fill the other thing with water. The other thing is the part behind the part where the filter is, its the part that looks like it could fit a bunch of water.
Put like. Maybe...2 1/2 table spoons of ground coffee into the filter contraption. Something like that. We screw it up always. But you can always add bourbon. Which, when mixed in coffee in the morning, isn't a cry for help, its a sign of sophistication.
And also a way to drive to work better.
Then you turn the machine on. Wait about 30 seconds before cussing at the thing because it is taking so freaking long to put the water from the contraption that holds water into the glass contraption in the front that also holds water.
Tell the damn thing to go to hell or eat a dick or whatever and then walk out of the room and onto the porch to get a beer out of the cooler you left open from the night before, because you aren't responsible and forgot to bring in the cheez-its and cold cuts.
Drink that quickly, its 7:30 in the AM you danged fiend!!!!
Then, go take a shower. With your beer. Actually, you should grab another. Because shower beers are great. Enjoy yourself. Life is short. Have fun. The hell with them if they can't take a joke.
Drink your beers in the shower. Sing along to the kings of leon song that came on, dang that was a good concert.
Oh, god damn it, they are playing the red hot chile peppers,
Should have got the bluetooth speaker thing your ex-girlfriend mentioned. Then you could listen to your own music and not this garbage. Shut up Samantha! Im glad your gone. No, my face is wet from the shower. Its not a tear. Your beef stroganoff sucks.
I didn't mean that. Come back.
ugh...slam your beer and turn off the radio, they are garbage. Dry off, put on your clothes, throw the empties into the trash and go down stairs.
At this point, 4 ounces of coffee should be ready to go.
Pour that, whoop! Side note.
Pouring: that means holding the coffee receptacle in one and and a smaller receptacle in the other and transferring liquids. Most people do this without to much trouble.
Ok, we are now at the critical juncture.
Getting that fluid into your face.
Its hot, right? So what we do is this....
PRO TIP: put an ice cube into your cup...the receptacle, to get rid of some of the aforementioned heat.
Thats it!!!!
You have now made coffee. And if your doing it right, you have a slight buzz going. Your day is going to be so damn good.
Now What?: Get in your car and drive to work. Make that money kid. You have to do this for the next 40 years and then die.
 |
| You will be fine. life is not linear. Its a winding road to absolution |
* complete bullshit
Cached at Mon Dec 9 19:18:42 PST 2019
