Water Ski News Mashup!
Putting An End To The Arbitrary Time Frame Of 2021
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| yeah sure thanks man |
Funny thing about the covid world that we live in now days, time doesn't really seem to matter anymore. Things happen, you move on. You catch the rona, your down for 10 days, you go back to work. Those 10 days are just lost to the whims of the great magnet.
Everything now just feels like a never ending time sludge.
We are wearing masks. Then, well, looks like we got on top of it, maybe we can go back to normal. Our sports are back and stadiums are full and things are great! Waterski events, well, nothing changed there...as we don't have events where people go anyways, but, then, Boom, the flight craft variant comes along and we are all back to wearing masks again and trying to find testing sites and hoping our quarterback or point guard or whatever is able to play in the playoffs.
We were talking in the CRB office about what concerts we saw this year, and came to realize shows we saw two, three years ago seemed like we saw them this year.
Early 2020 we saw a dead cover band in san diego, and that was the last show we saw until we saw dead and company at wrigley this summer.
That was, what, a year a half gap that just got folded up and tossed away, time doesn't matter.
In our head it was, yeah, we saw the black keys early this year (note, we did not, that was 2019), then saw the dead then guns and roses then kings of leon and then your mom.
So its either getting older and time just goes by or this world we live in now is so strange that we look at the passage of time through a different lens.
/huge bong rip
What if like, time just doesn't matter man?
Anyways, now that this random construct of time that is given a number is about to switch over to a new certain number of days and given a different, yet slightly higher, number, we thought we would ask a few people in the office if they thought about making changes in their life for 2022 that they will immediately forget about, not do or laugh about later on like, "lol, like i would STOP micro dosing before dropping the kids off at day care, you fool"
ODBF
"Why would I need to change anything, everything i do is perfect, i have never made a mistake and therefor do not need to alter my life in one way, but, fine whatever here are my resolutions for 2022"
1) Catch more bass
2) Drink more PBR
3) Eat less carp
4) Get this fishing hook out of my finger
ODBF is one of simple pleasures and outlook
DIG DUG
"As the CEO of CRB INC, a multi-national zillion dollar a year enterprise, which some refer to as a financial rocket ship with a trajectory heading straight up, it is also important to take inventory of ones life and methodically remove the bad, emphasise the good and continue to strive towards excellence and efficient use of ones limited resources, and as such this is a list of items to enhance that effort"
1) Splice strands of various DNA into the Hadron collider to great the worlds first nuclear powered Golden Retriever
2) Continue efforts to replace my own blood with a synthetic organism that enhances both sexual vitality and allows the human body to effectively operate at extreme levels of focus, temperament and passion.
3) Be the first ever to get 6 buoys at 75 off
4) Be nicer to squirrels
5) Full and complete transformation into a xenomorphic scrote pod
RoboCop
"I'm the best ever. I'm the most brutal and vicious, the most ruthless champion there has ever been. No one can stop me. ED 209 is a conqueror? No! I'm Alexander! He's no Alexander! I'm the best ever. There’s never been anyone as ruthless as me. I'm Sonny Liston. I'm Jack Dempsey. There's no one like me. I'm from their cloth. There is no one who can match me. My style is impetuous, my defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart! I want to eat his children! Praise be to CRB!"
1) Serve the public trust
2) Protect the innocent
3) Uphold the law
4) Hidden*
Rowboat Abides
Ed note: Rowboat Abides was the sites original organism. In the time since things have changed.
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| lol, cosmic rowboat |
"YOUR POWER AND DESIRES ARE USELESS, I HAVE ASCENDED TO A HIGHER PLANE OF EXISTENCE, NO LONGER BOUND BY THE LIMITATIONS INHERENT IN THE HUMAN BODY I AM ABLE TO TRANSCEND THE LIMITS OF TIME, SPACE, DIMENSION AND YOUR MOM
THIS EXTREME LEVEL OF METAPHYSICAL INTERDIMENSIONALLY HAS NOT ONLY ALLOWED ME TO LEAVE THE CONSTRAINTS OF THE SUFFOCATING EARTHLY INHABITANTS BUT ALSO TO ACHIEVE A LEVEL OF REALIZATION AND INCENDIARY SPIRITUALIZM THAT HAS RENDERED ALL A LEVEL OF NOTHINGNESS YET COMPLETENESS THAT CAN NOT ONLY NOT BE DESCRIBED BY THE SIMPLE HUMAN ALPHABET BUT ALSO WOULD CAUSE MASSIVE INTERPLANETARY AND INTERDIMENSIONAL DESTRUCTION WHICH WOULD RENDER THE ENTIRE PLANE OF EXISTENCE INTO A COMPLETE VACUUM OF LIFE.
ALSO, I FINALLY LANDED A WAKE 180
HERE ARE MY RESOLUTIONS, WEEP AT THEIR PERFECTION AND SOUL BONERING WISDOM"
1) UNLEASH UPON THE HUMAN RACE A SUBSTANCE THAT HAS ZERO FRICTION
2) FIGURE OUT HOW THE HELL ALMOND MILK IS MADE
3) CONTINUE ASCENT TO BECOMING THE ONE TRUE ALL-BEING, MASTER OF TIME, SPACE AND DIMENSION
4) ELIMINATE FISH
Sally from HR
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| ENOUGH with the ambiguously-defined employee roles complaints! |
"In my job as head of HR for CRB, there are many challenges and obstacles to over come, mainly because everything at this place is so centered around cold cuts, snacks and miller high life that trying to maintain a functional work environment for the employees to succeed can be tricky. That being said, the 20 hour work week with mandatory wakeboard wednesdays and use of the company's fleet of ski masterbus contributes to quite the work/life balance. Below, however, are a few things I would like to do to become both better at my job and a more rounded human being and partner for my partner"
1) Take a deep breath when I am feeling angered by a situation or person, try and empathise with their situation and not take it personal
2) Would really like to get back into my rosetta stone spanish lessons, i feel like being able to speak a second language would aid both in my work and life and open doors professionally that may be closed now.
3) Really try and get out and jog 2 or 3 times a week, I feel like the exercise would aid in both my physical well-being but also my emotional well-being and general demeanor.
4) Help rowboat abides fuck up that cosmic fish!
Here is to a kick ass 2022 with way less covid nonsense, way more afternoon beers and to finally someone, somewhere, hitting a double whirleybird!!
* robocops 4th prime directive is "Any attempt to not cut later and/or be hella sick will result in shutdown
Lets Cool It With The Christmas Music - A Solution
Lets get serious here for a second or two.
Yes, the last few years have been rough, the Covoid Era, its been a few years right? At least a couple, a year and a half...a decade? Who knows now anyways, and whatever, it doesn't matter, its been long enough that between the time the first case of covoid happened and today we have got married, had a few kids, got divorced and lost the house because of, as some would call it, "extreme arson" and "revenge plot" and "contract killers" and "just really shocking buffoonery".
Which sounds scary and awful, but, its not what you think.
We borrowed a very large sum of money from real shady loan sharks and didn't pay them back and they burned down our house in an attempt to kill us in a revenge plot. Oh, that is what you thought? La-De-Da smartypants. We do not appreciate that sort of attitude.
Never the less, between all that above and politics, shootings, the aforementioned revenge plot, the "supply chain" disruption, everything else crummy in this world, we do need to focus on something important.
Christmas Music.
Yeah, I Said It.
Christmas Music. We've had enough and its time for it to GO!
"All CHRISTMAS MUSIC?", you say outloud to the person next to you at the bar at an applebees (wtf are you doing there btw), "How dare you even say such things?"
I'm looking at you Martina Mcbride and Katherine McPhee and Christina Perri and the cast of Glee and Harry Connick Jr and you get the idea.
AND ITS GROSS!
Yep, thats some christmas music right there. This is the good stuff.
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| woo-woo-woo we have a Type 3 Grinch Alert! |
"All CHRISTMAS MUSIC?", you say outloud to the person next to you at the bar at an applebees (wtf are you doing there btw), "How dare you even say such things?"
Pretty easy really, just use your mouth to say them outloud or possibly your fingers on a keyboard to type them out. These are things we learned a long time ago, surprised you needed clarification as to the nature of human communications.
But, no, of course, not ALL christmas music.
We aren't heathens over here.
However, we have to have some sort of system in place to weed out the bad, some sort of classification system maybe to keep us from all becoming grinch like characters around the holiday season...In a way, modern christmas music is alot like modern country music.
There is no filter to keep the bad from popping up and spoiling it.
Any idiot can sing a song over a guitar, wear a cowboy or trucker hat, talk about a pick-up and call it country music and a wide swath of idiots in this country will eat it up. There are two big culprits here, Hootie and the guy from Staind. Think about it, and you know we are right.
Its the same for christmas music in a way.
I'm looking at you Martina Mcbride and Katherine McPhee and Christina Perri and the cast of Glee and Harry Connick Jr and you get the idea.
You present this in the sugar sweet box of christmas and family and love and celebrating the season and really your just an opportunistic capitalist vulture tearing shreds of money off the christmas carcass for your own self interest.
AND ITS GROSS!
On top of all this is the amount of time we are exposed to this, it started this year in our neck of the woods the day after thanksgiving...ITS NOT EVEN DECEMBER YET!
Just stop it!
So, lets figure this out quick and maybe we can devise a better way in which to deal with the god forsaken month of December.
1) The Classics.
These are the ones we all know, we all love, and are untouchable. They are canon.
Silent night, Jingle Bells, Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, let it snow, Its Beginning to look a lot like christmas, its the most wonderful time of the year, Sleigh Ride, Santa Baby, etc
You know these and know what we are talking about, they aren't sung by Lance Bass or Jason Mraz, these are sung by people like, Frank Sinatra, Perry Como, Gene Autry, The Ronettes, Dean Martin, Eartha Kitt, etc.
For example:
2) The Modern Classics.
Here is the part where it gets a little more complicated, as we have christmas songs from the last, say 20 years or so, that have risen above the nonsense to become classics on their own right, but, maybe not quite pantheon like the others, but, that is debatable.
Modern classics, you know where this starts right? Mariah Carey and All I want For Christmas...that...shoot, that may as well be in the first category as no one can deny it.
Those are two pretty dang good christmas songs.
Now, there are two that may be controversial as being either modern classics or not, and thats Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney and Happy Xmas by John Lennon.
Lets debate their merits and reach a verdict.
Wonderful Christmastime
Pros - Its Paul McCartney who seems like a nice guy, makes some good tunes and was in the beatles for whatever that is worth.
Cons - This song is a crime against humanity and deserves to be brought up in front of a military tribunal and executed.
Verdict - Shot into the sun with extreme prejudice.
Happy Xmas
Pros - Its catchy as hell, has a soaring chorus with kids singing and also somehow ended a war, which seems nice.
Cons - in complete reverse from above, John Lennon seems like (seemed like, past tense if you believe the government lies) such an insufferable doofus, but, the man can write a hook.
Verdict - Safe for now, on probation.
3) Accepted Current Christmas Groups/bands/singers.
You know what we mean here, around middle november or so, these people come out of the mothballs and start lathering up to make their annual christmas season return to the public conscience. They sort of cover all the genres and styles, but, of course we are talking about: Trans-Siberian orchestra, manheim steamroller, michael bubbles and I guess like, Josh Groban or something.
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| /shreds for santa |
Right? So are we agreed on the music that is acceptable?
Lets do a quick recap, we have the classics, we have a few new ones thrown in and then we have a few groups/singers that are allowed to roam the landscape.
4) The Quality Filter.
Here is the hard part. There is so much lousy christmas music out there, so much crap like, "REO SPEEDWAGON'S SANTA SAC SURPRISE" christmas album that we have to come up with some sort of way to eliminate the bad, separate the wheat from the chaf so to speak.
Because, someone like, say...John Legend puts out a christmas album and you would tend to think, "oh, of course that's good because John Legend is good"
THAT'S HOW THEY GET YOU!
Don't allow that to be a guiding force in your Christmas music consumption, you are not a vessel of money that is allowed to be drained to help finance someone rich persons lifestyle! BE SKEPTICAL!
So, here is one idea as to how to do this.
1) Every christmas song ever that isn't included in the above classifications has to be loaded into a database somewhere, maybe we just use spotify as the organizational tool.
2) There will be a gigantic playlist with all the songs in it.
3) Every American is required to vote up and vote down on three songs a day for one week, in return you either get a $1,000 tax credit or one (1) Pontoon boat.
Boom! A democratic way to determine christmas music once and for all.
Only the top, say, 25% of the songs are allowed to be used the rest have to wait until next year to be re-voted on and if it doesn't make it above that 25% mark in 3 years its lost forever into the bowels of the internet and forever will bring shame on the artists home/family and heritage.
5) The Time Factor
Finally we come to the part that really affects us, and that is the constant exposure to said christmas music. And its everywhere, and its time that we figured a just way to adjudicate this properly.
In the comfort of your own home you can do whatever you want, mainline harry conick jr. via a airpod suppository for all we care, its your life champ, live it up do your best.
No, this is a two fold attack on the over reaching corporate retail take over of this sort of music, here are the two steps.
1) Every retailer that plays Christmas music must pay $1,000 a day into a federally mandated coffer. They are tracked, of course, by the meta tags, we think they are called, but, whatever system they use to play music in the store, pandora, spotify, sat. radio, whatever, if it plays you pay.
That money then at the end is used to compensate everyone in the country when they file taxes, if they are considered median wage income for a household or below, you receive whatever percentage of that money that applies as a tax return boost, meaning however much is paid in vs. the number of filers who are considered middle middle class and below.
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| maybe, not the best campaign slogan ole bern dog |
2) Christmas music on your television, in either commercial form or say a concert of something playing that your mom wanted to watch because Michael bubbles is dreamy or whatever.
The cable companies or whoever makes things work, will utilize the SAP button to change whats coming out of the tv, like, instead of it switching to spanish like in sporting events, you can program it to play say, Neil Young's greatest hits instead of the boston pops concert. However, there is one obvious problem with this, in that, if your mom turned it on and its her house, you can't change the music to Neil Young or whomever you like, because thats not what she wants to hear.
So, dig the airpod out of your bumbum and stick it back in your ear. Turn on the noise canceling function and it will then realize the SAP button is active and start playing Olivia Rodriguez sings Barry White for you.
How on earth would your airpods know that the SAP button has been pushed? Are you serious? They know everything that we do, our phones, our smart devices (i.e the alexas and such), shoot, we had a Alexa with the camera and screen in our bedroom.
You're welcome for the show Jeff Bezos, if you want tips or anything, hit us up, we will show you how to "fold the laundry" if you know what we mean*
*shove it in a drawer.....if you know what we mean*
*seriously we mean it, whatever, just stick it in, no folding necessary....if you know what we mean*
*NO and ouch
/deep breath...
We feel that both this metaphor is pained and stupid and the idea of a bum bum air pod playing neil young via the SAP button is maybe a logistical hurdle to tall. So, lets call an audible here and try this out.
2B) Your air pods or whatever ear phones you use, will automatically pick up that same meta-tag that we talked about before, and instead of doing the SAP thing, it will emit an acoustical wave noise that permeates your brain matter to increase the level of dopamine or seretonin or cocaine, or whatever it is thats in our bodies that make you feel good.
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Biggest thing though, is this.
Everyone knows that christmas is, for most people, really, a time to celebrate the season, be with family, all the good and happy things, but, its become (not recently, its been this way forever), a horribly crass commercialized awful exploitation of our own good natured beings.
It would be nice to start drawing a line somewhere, and if it starts with the music, great.
We are tired of mediocre to bad musical artists trying to squeeze a few extra bucks out of us with a lousy "christmas" album, and for that matter, going to the grocery store because we need food to survive shouldn't also be an adventure in christmas excess.
Celebrate at home, put up lights, put airpods wherever you want, be merry, wear your santa suit with no pants and eat ham all day, its all good.
But, for the greater good of us all, lets just cool it a bit with the music and if not, pay up.
Because, as we know, Christmas time is very much about money.
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| now its waterski related. /gets refill on xmas music suppository |
CRB Gives Thanks 2021
Thanksgiving 2021!
U. S. A! U. S. A!!
Thanksgiving and the 4th of July are the two best that we have in the USA, and this is an undisputed fact. Check it, and come back to us crying! Cuz facts stand strong son.
Make sense?
"But," you may be saying to yourself, "what about Christmas? That has to be the best holiday that we have, it's a day of giving and cheer for all, what about that you big scrooge jerk?"
/FLYING NINJA JUDO CHOP TO THE HEAD.
How wrong you are you stupid peasant, Christmas is a pagan ritual that is now one giant circle jerk of commerce and nonsense.
YOU WORSHIP A FALSE GOD!!
Your selfish nature and slavish devotion to over priced consumer goods is a stain on your families name and a POX ON OUR SOCIETY AS A WHOLE.
I SAID GOOD DAY SIR!
No, thanksgiving being in the top two of holidays is as it should be and was foretold in the elder scrolls recently uncovered in Patrice Martins house.
As noted, the fourth of July is the other top 2. There is no specific order, they both rule. 4th of July is BBQ, Fireworks and patriotism, thanksgiving is turkey, football and naps.
With the obvious caveat of the covid god damn plague that basically turned the world off for most of 2020 and 2021, there were still a few things to be thankful for.
1) webcasts! and specifically the world broadcasting service of waterski. Or whatever its called. Tony's deal on the youtubes. The CRB has beat the drum for waterski tournaments to be in more public locations for years and years and there is no need to rehash it now, seeing as it appears, other than moomba and maybe the us open? there really isn't anything for the public to enjoy in person. The malibu open which WAS in the downtown of a major city is now out in a corn field somewhere.
Never the less, cameras and internets and microphones and we can watch waterskiing live on our phones while taking a shit.
God works in mysterious and wonderful ways.
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| I'm Watching Montavon in Here!! |
2) Freddy Being A God.
This is Freddy at, what, 85 years old beating Dorien Llewellyn. I WILL DEFEAT YOUR WHOLE FAMILY.
Real talk. There is an argument to be made that Freddy is the greatest skier of all time. An argument, one that doesn't hold up, because Sammy Duvall exists, but, the longevity and dominance in one specific area of the sport, man....Freddy is so good. In the Jump discipline there is no one that comes close, for the sheer dominance and length (quit giggling), right? There are people that may have eclipsed for a second or two, a comet across the universe, Scotty Elis or whoever, but, no one that could consistently kick your ass year after year after year.
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| /freddy nodding along |
On the womens side, that argument is over real REAL quick, and its Regina Jaquess (pronounced: Jaquess), by far the best female skier of all time and we don't think its close...in fact, you could make an argument that Regina is the Serena Williams of waterskiing.
Meaning, her dominance is so supreme and all encompassing, that it transcends gender and into the pantheon of just the best.
One could, and without being chastised for being silly make this list of all-time greats and stand tall.
1) Sammy Duvall
2) Carl Roberge
3) Regina Jaquess
4) Patrice Martin
5) Freddy Krueger
Of course this doesn't take into account wakeboarding and such, because the bonifays or shaun murray or dallas friday or whomever could claim a spot, but, thats a CRB blindside so...lets move on.
Actually, no, lets not move on. Wakeboarding takes a similar space in the mind as skateboarding in so much as you don't really know who is the best....list wise.
Each sport has its known greatest.
Surfing -> Kelly Slater or Layne Beachly
Skate Boarding -> Tony Hawk (and his orbit is so big there is no one else like...even not around)
Wakeboarding -> Shaun Murray
From there, its really a matter of taste and style and years and environment.
One of the greatest things we found in the last year or so was the world surf league app on our phone, and it would let us know when there was some surfing on to watch. All of it. Anywhere. Any surfing anywhere and seemingly any competition was on our phone, which meant, at work, on that tv and we were watching some long board surf competition in Malibu on a random October afternoon.
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| my legs are weird? |
We know zip about long board surfing...if you listen to the beach boys or see videos of that sort of thing, thats long board. Its not doing rad moves on a wave and whatever, its more like, style and grace and such.
Look, we fired up a joint and kicked back and watched for about, oh, 2 minutes before the security guard kicked us out of that specific red lobster*
*never going back to Bangor, Maine
Jokes on him, battery in our phone was almost dead anyways. DORK!
But surfing is a sport that engenders a very strong following, engenders love, inspires a clothing style and a lifestyle...even as a poser you're welcome in because you understand the vibe.
We don't have that in our sport, we don't have a style or a look or a vibe that inspires anything to anyone, and AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, we have some of the best athletes of all these sports. The most dedicated, the hardest working and seemingly the most averse to self promotion there is!
The surfer who fell off their board while in the parking lot has 5,000 followers on instagram because it looks dope...and lord help us we follow them because it does. We have freddy and dodd and elizabeth and regina and neilly, and so many more that deserve so much more then they get.
Its time that this changes and people understand what we have.
3) Some People Aren't Dead!
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| death? |
Thats a good thing, some of us can still go to visit family and friends over the holidays and most aren't dead! thats pretty sweet if you think about it. Some people aren't quite that lucky, of course, but, that just means MORE TURKEY FOR YOU.
..are you a dark meat or a light meat person? COMMENT BELOW FAM, SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON!
This has been a shit last year and a half or so. February of 2020 we were in San Diego for a corporate retreat*
*Drinking Karl Straus beer while falling off our surf boards INSTANTLY!
and we went to see the Dark Star Orchestra, which is a pretty damn good Grateful Dead cover band at the House of Blues, and for most of the show had a good time.
However, as it dragged on and the group of like 20 idiot kids were dancing all weird in the staircase we started to get annoyed, it has been a very long day (up at 7, after going to bed at 2 and the CRB corporate folks expect you to be present at all the training sessions) Another 15 dollar beer and a 10 dollar piece of shitty pizza and our moods soured.
"Yeah, that was a great jam on the Eyes of the world, but, its time to go"
Side note. if you look at the setlist linked there, just so you know, that was a real show and it was great..holy shit did it start to drag as it got to about 'that' point of the night. :)
Point being, at that point in time, we were all still allowed to be annoyed. There was no caveat like, "well at least we get to see live music!". Right? we could go out and experience things without fear of getting sick or whatever. You were able to go experience the world with basically your eyes wide open, or cynically, or however you wanted to experience the world...there wasn't an additional variable thrown in the mix.
Ironically, given our current state of the world, and adjusting for psychopaths, there is actually two additional variables we all have to account for now....
1) covid
2) assholes with guns*
*in some places assholes with cars driving through a parade
This is the climate that we live in now. We have to worry about our fellow neighbor and both their predilection for guns and their cable news viewing habits*
*you know what we mean
Now when we go out to a concert or a play or a sporting event or your moms house, we now need to think about, do I need a mask, where is my vaccination card...do I need to also get a test, is security here good so some maniac doesn't shoot me, is that person in the corner a tweaker..just some harmless person or someone to be concerned about.
Those thoughts really suck and there is really, only one way to combat that and its to just go live your life.
You can't prepare for a maniac to drive through a parade route and kill you, you can't prepare for someone to shoot you at a concert you cant prepare yourself to get hit by a drunk driver, you can't prepare yourself to die of cancer.
You can be vigilant and careful but, we have to live. If we live in hiding and in the shadows for fear of whatever may come, then whats the point in the first place.
So, go out and do.
Get eaten by a shark while surfing
Get Covid and die
Drive your car off a mountain holding hands with a girl
Start a pod cast only talking about gold fish crackers and their personalities.
Completely rewire your partners vibrator so instead of vibrating it plays classic neil young jams
lol, why not!
We only get so much time. Make it good FOR YOU, not whom you think it would be good for. FOR YOU. You are the captain of your ship...look, when you masturbate, you're doing the work. no one else.
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| trying buddy |
4) Some People ARE Dead!
Looking at you Alfred Fish! That guy is a real JERK!
5) Seeing Things Live
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| An actual picture we took! |
Speaking of the Dead, this is the CRB at Wrigley Field this year at the Dead and Company show. Two things quick.
1) This kicked so much ass
2) Other then maybe the Metallica show a few years prior, never have we experienced such a wonderful group of people around us having so much fun. Seriously. Dead heads and metal heads, thats a 90% venn diagram.
For real if you don't believe, metal heads and dead heads provide such a good vibe, from both sides (really, less giggles), in so much as, dead heads are a chill out dance get in touch with music and the world vibe and metal heads are some aggression and adrenaline but, wanted that to be pumped into the music.
Quick aside, at the metallica show, a couple dudes came down the aisle hella drunk yelling for slayer! and we had aisle seats so we are in the aisle kinda jamming along and they bumped into us and it wasn't a "fuck you bro" moment, it was...for real...
Dudes. "BRO YOU LIKE SLAYER!?"
CRB "yeah man i guess"
Dudes "fuck yeah bro!" /high five "oh shit, master of puppets fuck yeah!, my seat is over there tho bro"
CRB. "YOU GOD DAMN RIGHT IT IS!"
That was it! just happy positive vibes.
But, that was at a live show, and to be able to go back and do that again in such a large environment was like a Irish Spring commercial. A wash away of so much bad, and into what is hopefully a better future.
And there was of course, moments all around that reminded you that we were coming out of the covid world. We parked at a off site location to take a bus in, and at the site there were people checking your Vax card and you got a wrist band to show you were ok to go in.
During the show, as much as you wanted to dance with the people around you, maybe share a joint, you were cautious because of...well..everything, and coming from someone who had covid and while it wasn't near as bad as some, it put us on our ass for a week solid. No joke. If you can avoid getting fucking covid, we suggest...you know...doing that.
We had just moved into a new place and thought, "dope, 10 days off work, can get this place spruced up nice, get things set up solid"
NOPE.
You wake up...eat some soup...turn on the tv and go back to bed. We were lucky in that it didn't get our lungs, or anything that made us fear for our life, but, this is the deal and if you haven't had it, here is a listicle and you can play along.
1) Remember your worst hangover.
2) Laugh remembering how fun that previous night was.
3) But, you know that 2 pm feeling? where the hangover is lingering and your so tired, the pain is starting to leave but your brain is mad?
4) All your muscles hurt
5) Add the flu onto that.
6) Your depressed, which makes no sense, you should be able to justify being sick, but, no you just get down.
Thats every day, you wake up and you feel like shit, you can't taste anything (maybe the worst part), your so run down you do nothing but lie in bed (not sleep mind you, just curl up in bed and watch the news all day. You get up to use the bathroom and make it like half way and need to sit down.
The taste part, by the way...we are lucky and have people who brought us all this great soup to eat, stocked up the fridge because we couldn't go to the store, and IT DOESN"T MATTER!!
YOU CAN"T TASTE ANYTHING!
"Hey how was that Panera Bread soup I brought you, you love that right?"
"I have no idea man! I CAN'T TASTE!"
And that taste thing? months and months. You always had bits and pieces of taste bud action the whole time, but, it took a long time to get it back and not quite sure its all the way there yet.
Its so weird. Your brain KNOWS that what your eating is good so it tricks you into thinking that, but honestly, you could be eating a spicy curry or water soup and it wouldn't matter
Anyways
Thats what our version was. It sucked.
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| covid is NOT vaginal |
The covid era has presented such a strange and life altering skew to our lives that we can't help but come out the other side (seriously, no more giggles) different people. Hopefully, we can all appreciate what we have maybe a little more then before. As above, the part about being annoyed at a show, at an event, is now taken with a grain of salt, because we can now do some of those things again.
We have spent the last SO LONG going through this and all we want is for things to go back to normal, and even if you are someone who thinks what has happened is garbage and a lie and a conspiracy, well..our world is big enough for all...because.
There is a great quote from Norm Macdonald, who just passed away a bit ago, which WTF 2021, and it goes like this.
The idiot sees the world as Good vs Evil. The cynic sees the world as Evil vs Evil. The truth that no one seems able to see is that the world is, and always has been, a battle of Good vs. Good.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) June 25, 2018
Make sense?
Meaning, you think your view point is good and right and proper, and well, so does the person you are arguing with, and they think you are the crazy one.
I think if we really do sometimes put down our outrage glasses, put down our immediate knee jerk reaction to things, our instant outrage...we will see that most of us are like each other more than we think.
We are all trying to get through this nonsense we deal with everyday, with our lives, its not always easy and its like that for all of us. We all view our lives through our various lenses and defend ourselves in such a way.
Maybe this thanksgiving we extend a bit of compassion for those we want to do battle with, for those we want to yell at over their opinions, try and prove how smart and wise we are vs. their dumb shit. Guess what they think the same of you!
We are all trying and lets be grateful for that, that we are all TRYING....and with that in mind, press play and relax into the thanksgiving coma with some tunes.
crb love to all.
Your mom waterskis
stop giggling.
The Frustrating Arc of Life and Death and Age
There may be TV segments as funny, maybe, but there is nothing funnier then this clip, norm macdonald and dennis miller from the Dennis Miller Show on HBO a hundred years ago. In the past few days we have all rewatched alot, but, this is so good.
if you haven't seen this, watch it. and if you dont laugh...alot....your funny bone is wrong.
His show on HBO from which this clip is from ran from 94 to 02, more or less, our collegiate life.
Back in those days, before 200 dollar a month cable bills or 200 dollar a month various streaming services bills, hbo was just like...idk...included in the cable sometimes. At our place at our college...which I think was charter communications? or maybe TWC?? cant remember exactly.
Never the less, we had cable and had HBO.
So, we watched Dennis Miller every week. We knew Norm a little...he was SNL from 93-98 or so...which wouldn't quite put him in our scope in so much as there are video games and girls and captain morgan to drink and we never really watched tv like that.
Saturday night live was some show on tv that just sort of never got paid attention to.
Then we saw Norm on Dennis Miller.
That clip above.
Instantly hooked. May not have understood the comedy or the point or the whatever...its weird. He is a weird...was...a weird comic. But its funny and dirty and lol, he said cock.
Then we got something like dirty work...a silly movie. not to the level of like, billy madison or whatever, but, man that dude had alot of dead hookers in his trunk.
We started on the path towards being a grown up. Trying to get a foot in the door at the company, figure out the path forward, meeting people for drinks after work, etc.
Remember, if you are younger, that back before iphones, and really it was the iphone...not you tube, not anything else that really seismically changed the way in which we consumed media/viewed the outside world/interacted with people.
But, back before iphones and that the more mobile way in which we take in content, we all would actually watching shit live, or if your rich ass buddy had a tivo! we would go to their place to watch it. And it was something that was planned we were recording this show and this show and then we go to Sara's place to watch it monday.
sheesh, anyways
Early 2000's, we were simply trying to keep our heads above water in the world. Figuring out how to be an adult, how to maintain a relationship, how to pay fucking rent!
Everyone...well most anyways, graduate college with a mind full of ideas and with a chest full of piss and vinegar.
You / we are going to crush. Going to set this world on fire. Motherfuckers don't know what they have coming! They don't know who I am and when they do, those fucks are going to give me SO MUCH money and blowjobs...or oral sex...whatever, we are gender inclusive. whatever gets you off, but, like alot of us, and especially our age, we were fed a load of shit. Go to a 4 year, get that degree, go into debt, wear a suit, have an affair, thats life.
Its not though, life...real life...doesn't care about you at all. Fuck around and find out.
You go out and have to put in the work, even those in the specialty degrees....not doctors or whatever that require extra college. But us idiot normies, the marketing degrees, the english degrees, the fucking advertising degrees.
Its hard though as you go through life in keeping up with pop culture, as you age out a bit from the youngster life you tend to drive on the roads that were made for you and not the ones that were designed for the younger crowd, and its a weird....
REALLY WEIRD!
Moment when you realize that.
It comes in many shapes and forms but, if you are a sports fan once you become older then the players you root for...it shakes you!
When you play a top 40 station....well. thats age right there.
When you play the pop music station on spotify and maybe you know about 20% of the artists, you kinda want to crawl under a rug.
When you go to a bar that you went to "back in the day" and see a bunch of little fuckers not respecting what this place is....man....
Its time to go!
But, here is the fucked up part.
Given our current climate of consumable culture, the things we liked, or gravitated towards are there so easy for the picking now. We can enjoy the things we enjoyed without any sideways glances.
But more important, this allows the younger folks to experience it as well, and not just watching golden girls late at night while stoned in high school. Everything is out there for everyone to consume. I see some weird Japanese pop music on youtube and think I 100% don't understand what the hell is going on and then realize that my parents saw me back in the day in that same circumstance and just straight up went..
"I don't know, i guess we have to drown it"
Thats pop culture. You aren't supposed to understand it at a certain point, because, its not for you anymore. dummy!
Now, that being said.
The norm moth joke is, while maybe not known to everyone, is probably known to almost all people who enjoy funny shit.
it would be a surprise if someone say, in their teens, didn't or wasn't away at least of this.
Its universal.
Never the less.
There are people that every generation hang on to and love that mean something to them in a way that can't quite be described to the generation before them, because they are living in their generation and its not fair to pile that on to them. In so much as, we didn't see Johnny Carson but will watch clips and maybe not "get it" in the way that the people that grew up with him in the cultural zeitgeist they lived in do, but, get the talent.
My age, people are going to see clips of Letterman and Norm and such and think, sure thats funny, but why does this mean so much, why are there tears sometimes in the funny??
Because there is someone, probably, on tik tok now that means what this people did to us, that in the future won't be able to be explained in the same way to the younger crowd.
Life moves at this almost immeasurable pace that wants to crush us all under the wheels. We sit here and enjoy our late night with david letterman show and wait, what the hell, its the late show?
We grow up with these people, they were on our tvs and and our tivos and grew up to be on our tvs and our computers and dvrs and then got older and ended up on our phones and our tablets. They created consumable content for us to view and in the process we became part of their lives and they became part of ours...probably a 25/75 if you think about it.
I would bet that Norm has no idea who we are, but lord almighty do we know him.
Lets be real. of course he has no idea about who we are. Because we hide behind a shell corporation.
That's Omar...thats Michael K. Williams.
He was on a tv show called "The Wire" on HBO from 02 to 08, he also just passed away.
The wire is a show that came across our brains, like alot of people on this show, after it actually went off the air and we found it on DVD.
This is a show that with rage and pain and grace and smarts, explained what the drug war was/is, what the real world behind our lives was. Not what we thought it was or might be, but, the actual brutal truth behind what cities in our county were.
Omar, that character was not someone that should be someone who would be celebrated, but, what that character brought into our devices was a humanity and a entry point (so to speak) into what that culture that we are all so quick to distance ourselves from actually was.
That phenomenon of that show and that character, cut a path into the conscious of those of us who don't live in that environment, and if they admit it or not, have done more to change the discourse in this country for not only minorities but, for the LGBT community or whatever other disenfranchised group thats out there, because..
and this is big....
because he brought a humanity and a pulse to a person who we all hated and it made us question our own thoughts on everyone we had or have shit on..
So...
While Norm may have been...While Norm is one of the best stand up comics ever, The Wire is one of those shows as well, top 5 of all time and Omar, his character, is one of those that transcend the show to become a pop culture phenomenon.
Both these people were institutions on our life, in our pop culture inclusion.
They were forever people, we looked forward to whatever they did, whatever talk show or youtube show they were on, we would watch.
The drastically changing landscape of our consumption, doesn't change the way in which we appreciate really quality art.
However, both of these people are dead.
Leaving the viewer, the consumer, the fucking fan of these guys in a weird state of cutting something along the lines of 20 years or so of entertainment and reshaping it.
The great characters and entertainers in our lives and supposed to be there to support us though life, supposed to help us along our path, and when you are young thats exactly what they are. There is no death expectation there is no worry about the future, its just, what are we doing now and this is sick.
As you age. As you get old.
You lose these various parts of what made you what you were, what made your tastes what they are and for the most part you are ok with that.
You are ok with not understating pop music or certain tv shows, or whatever, because the things you like are still there on whatever device you have to be enoyed still and forever.
However, when there are people, not a character or a show or a song, that break through the clutter and grab you by the heart, it means something, and its so silly because again, they don't know you, but, its what they present to you and how it affects you that matters, and thats why they do what they do.
Not because they know you specifically, but, because they are aiming at people like you. Your ilk.
Jerry is another one, a bigger then life figure that when we were young was part of an active and relevant band, and now some 30 years later, the music is still strong the culture is still strong but, what that man meant to the older dead head crowd is lost on someone like me who wasn't aware as much back when it would have mattered.
Art and its integration with our souls is one of those things that some fucking marketing jack ass is going to try and monetize in the future, the way in which we interact with our art within our soul will somehow be able to be in-app purchased while we play the Allman Brothers Downhill Ski game.
But these things, the Music, the TV the entertainment are...at their core...only allowed to interactt with us at our core level...we then make them mean more then that via our emotions and our feelings.
They occupy a part in our souls...in our collective fabric of being.
Very few of them, of those options of entertainment exceed that position, for alot of people, Jerry Garcia meant something more then the music he played, whatever that is that it meant to them meant it to them and not for others to figure out.
Someone like Norm Macdonald meant that to us, he was someone who was just so funny and had such a properly dissatisfied outlook on our oddly overly concerned life that it provided that proper counter weight to our dumb ass lady liberty hand.
These people were supposed to be there for us, on the talk shows on the you tubes, on whatever, they were a part of our lives, they had carved out a spot in our hearts to live and be and assist in life, but as we age they do to, and while that is of course the nature of life, the representation of what they are and how the affect our lives dramatically changes with them when there is that change in their life.
It reminds us that yes, we do get old. Our favorite baseball player could be our son, our compadre of comedy died of cancer, the beacon of what we hoped would be a port in our storm forever is gone. We pilot our boat alone, we lose those we love along the way.
Life is one of those things that just doesn't fuck around. We will die. Cherish your people along the way, those lights that help guide your path, help you navigate your future, because you don't know when they will leave you.
Do We Appreciate This Guy Enough?
Editors note: super stoked we hit publish on that before fleshing it out. good work, months ago ass team.
idiots.
your all fired.
Season 1.
Episode 1.
Carl Roberge
Jumping.
We Really Should Appreciate What We Have More
If you were to talk to any competitive athlete, basketball, football, yes, even a waterskiier, almost to a person they will have a scene, a play, a circumstance...or many of those, that drive their desire for improvement, desire to win, desire for excellence.
Competitive people will often refer to, usually, one of two things.
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| AYYY I gotta chip on my shoulda ova heeaaa |
1) a chip on their shoulder. This one covers alot of ground, but, typically its about proving the doubters wrong, or feeling as if people doubt you for some real or imagined reason.
2) the hatred of losing, vs. the love of winning. I.e, i work so hard because I hate losing so much!
Of course there are the bullshit inspirational quotes that people pretend to live by, but, to really keep yourself moving forwards towards whatever goal we all tend to utilize the above two ways to do so.
There is a fear of failure, there is a fear of getting passed by, there is a fear of getting out worked, there is always a fear.
Fear is the most powerful emotion that we as humans have and the one that is forever able to be mined for success and for failure.
We have all had that moment in some competitive endeavor. You may have stayed up a little late the night before, or real life got in the way of a training session or two, or you just didn't perform at a level that you expected of yourself. You lost that tournament, or say, didn't reach your personal best, or missed that shot.
You will go over and over in your mind what you could have done better, what you should have done to not let that happen. Thats the fear. That is the poison that we put into our own minds.
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| my tan line! |
/shifting to first person
I have a very specific scene in my head I play over time and again, I was at a three event tournament at a sweet lake in a little town in the middle of a state. They had made a second..or third? lake to handle just the slalom event. We all stayed up late the night before partying, which...cmon we were in our early 20s, but, we were fogged out that next day.
I was super late for the 2 ball and just cut like a maniac and laid out to get to it and crashed super hard and skidded up onto shore (it was a narrow lake). It was sweet as hell, but, i think back to that alot because that was probably as good as I have even slalomed in my life and it was the best lake i have ever skied on and I biffed and it bothers me still because did i do everything I could to succeed?
/shifting back to silly crb style.
Rarely, but sometimes, you actually do everything right, perform at a high level and still lose. You can accept those right? You work hard you perform well and yet still.
That is ok.
Its the gnawing little parts when your own brain poisons your psyce and starts putting things into you that are not helpful or do nothing but nag at you, bring you down, etc.
"oh, you think that tuesday night margarita was worth it?"
"maybe if you had worked out a little more in the off-season"
"feel pretty stupid now don't you that you didn't do WHATEVER!"
And this is a problem that we all have and its not just for sports its for everything!
We focus on our own negatives so hard because that is such a powerful driving force that we don't give proper credit to what we do well, or what we have that is good! Life is such a mental fuck that maybe it does take a cheesy inspirational quote to help you along, but, that real driver is fear.
This is why that is a problem.
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| omg no way you silly little scamp!! |
Because for alot of us, it seeps into your just normal ass daily life. You don't look at the good you do, or the positives in your own life. Shoot, even taking that into account in your skiing or your athletic endeavor, we don't appreciate enough what we have that is good, because that defeats our own internal narrative that we aren't good enough and need ot be better.
Social media accounts are probably partially to blame simply because we see other peoples ideal life as they wish to present it. Its not the down moments when they are sad or bounced a check (do we have those still?), or fucked up a relationship with someone or had a bad day at work or are fighting with an addiction or disease or mental health issue.
Because we look at other peoples idealized life and compare it to our own...which we are living in RIGHT NOW, and not just the picture we post on instagram showing ourselves in our own best light!
Its a ring light for life, vs. the normal ass flourescent light where we look like hell.
Right? we all do it and it makes no sense. we judge ourselves against some arbitrary external viewpoint of other peoples lives, or approximated lives and then beat ourselves up over the imagined gulf between what we see in them and what we feel in our own!
Here is probably the most common, relatable example of this. And again, its true for EVERYONE.
You and your significant other are out with another couple. In that moment you and them are all happy and having a great time, you'r at dinner at a cool restaurant and holding hands and making jokes and all that. You begin to see the other couple and thing, "why can't we be like that, they look so happy", because maybe that morning you had a little tiny argument about your dirty clothes on the floor, or you forgot to take out the garbage or your are having doubts in your own head about where this relationship is headed.
So these little tiny seeds of doubt, which should just whiter and die on the shelf in your brain with no light, for some reason you go into that room, with that shelf, and pour some water on them, you make them grow!
Like a dummy
You are creating a situation that isn't there because you are conditioned to believe that you need to have something to fight against, then to appreciate and love.
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| lol totally....imma fucking murder you later Todd |
An example that has come up alot within the past year..year and half...during the pandemic, regarding our days jobs, with a weird kicker at the end of this question and answer.
"Hows it going here? How are sales in this time?"
"Not great bob..but, shit, lucky to still have this job, could be alot worse"
And here is the part that matters. We use, "could be alot worse" as a cover. But, fuck that. yes it could. and two years ago it could have been and 5 years from now it could be as well.
Things could be worse! Things could be better!
We are not at the bottom looking up, we are in the middle somewhere floating in some odd state of homeostasis where we have the ability to go up and down but, we tend to ignore the up and focus on the down as a means of motivation to not go there.
We are so much more cosmically aware of mental health these days, in others, in terms of overall policy, but, do we actually take the time to take care of ourselves anymore then we used to or do we fight with our own demons in private because thats what we feel we should do and that is something to motivate?
To provide the fight and the power and the energy to succeed?
There is an interesting tipping point in any timeline related to a sad or painful event. Be it losing a loved one, a broken relationship, a bad circumstance that eventually instead of looking back on memories of that thing with a frown or tears you look back and it makes you smile or laugh.
At the CRB offices our tv will cycle through our photos on icloud as a screen saver, which natuarally brings up memories of days gone by, in them are some photos of people that are either no longer in our lives or no longer in anyones lives.
There are also hella nonsense too, its not all heavy duty nonsense.
But, for the vast majority of those pictures of the people that meant something and left us, or meant something and left all of us, most of those bring smiles now in remembering that situation and being happy that we experienced that.
That is such a nice lens in which to view those circumstances, however, in our daily and in our own owlds we create, do we utilize that lens to give ourselves the smile instead of the frown?
We cast a critical eye on our own proceedings, for example, at lunch we were complaining about our apartment situation, its to small, not enough lawn, neighbors are loud, is this what we really want, landlord is a weirdo...etc. And a friend said, "huh, i dont know, I thought that place was pretty cool...nice little place"
All those negatives all the problems that we see as some sort of wall in which we can't go around was blown to bits by someone saying, "yeah, dummy, place is tight"
Focusing on our own negatives as if that is the light we want to shine into the world, instead of being grateful for what we do have.
This is why as a competitive person who uses that fear as a power source for success, we also have to learn to turn that off, turn off the desire to always win/defeat others and appreciate what we actually have!!
Its the simple axiom, replace "i have to" with "I get to" and it changes your whole outlook on life.
I have to go work.
Nope.
You get to go to work.
I have to replace a tire on my car.
Nope.
You get to replace a tire on YOUR!!! car.
Holy shit right? You have a car. Good ass job by you!! Vroom Vroom son!
Or lets try this one.
Like alot of people, I assume, we have put on a few pounds during the last year or so. A big part of it was we figured since we can't go out, lets learn to cook those items at home.
And so you watch youtube and dick around on recipe sites and learn to make all sorts of different things.
So, how do you look at that now, now that we are coming out of this pandemic and go back out to places and ride your bike or go to the park and not be worried as much?
Well, you can look at it as "I was a lazy and gained weight" or, "well, I tried real hard to be a better cook and turns out I kick ass because I ate all my food!!!"
We need to focus on our own positives and not our negatievs by default.
Not that we ignore them, lets not be silly, but, by our own default logic we should appreciate our gifts, our place in life our abilities to do what can and not conflate them with what we can't/don't/won't/haven't.
Back in day we crashed out hard on a slalom course (in front of pretty girls too, dang it) when we were feeling frisky enough to get into some short lines and put up some numbers.
All these years later, thats still something that burns, but, we were able to crash out in front of some pretty girls while feeling frisky enough to get into some short lines and ski great.
Thats pretty fucking awesome...and that is something we would like to feel again.
We don't get there, to that feeling to that mental space, by weighting ourselves down with the could of would of should of, we get there by lifting ourselves up with the, "right, but, how many people can actually DO what you did and besides all that, maybe they are in awe of what you did"
Again, never assume...we should never assume...that the other persons life is perfect, that their relationship is what you see at that nice dinner...they probably had an argument in the car on the way there about the cable bill or the lawn mowing or whatever.
Defining our success via a prism of light from other peoples lifes will only further your frustration into your own because you/we don't know that other person and the trials they go through, the battles they fight on their own.
Negativity is easy, its cheap and it can derail
positivity is hard in the face of all that gets thrown at us.
and this is certainly not some bullshit inspirational quote where you...
gibberish bullshit.
You are comparing yourself to someone else and somehow its not a zero sum game, you can just "outwork" them, as if they aren't doing the same.
Appreciate what we have, what we have been able to do. See the positives in life, in your own life, as the true beacons of what should inspire.
Not a bullshit quote about work or limits or "never be afraid to fail"
Be afraid!
Thats ok! That means we have a brain and a soul and a life.
But allow life to work in equilibrium.
We can always strive to be better and use that fear as a motivator, as an energy source for the furnance of internal power.
But, that can't supersede the ability to appreciate what we have, how we got it and let that mirror off the dark and illuminate the light.
Its 2021. Lets Ring In The New Year.
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Ok then, 2020 sucked and we are now in a new year, hell yeah, time for all the good shit to happen.
You are probably like, "hey, crb idiots, its almost the middle of February...2021 didn't just start and it is still kinda shitty!"
To which we reply, that is true and you are a god damn pessimist and we would no longer like you on our pontoon boat out here in the middle of the lake. In the middle of February...in a northern state.
Where it is SO COLD.
Audience: "HOW COLD IS IT?!?!"
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| so cold |
Audience: "hahaha, a Lazlo Holmes reference, I get that and that makes me chuckle...but, seriously, how cold is it??"
Its so cold even the mountains are putting on their snow caps!
Audience: /Groan
Its so cold the Mail carriers watch out for both dogs and polar bears!!
Audience: "we paid for this shit?"
Fine fine whatever.
No more jokes about the weather.
Turns out though, nothing really changes from one year to the next, we have a different president, but, that doesn't REALLY change our day to day lives, other then maybe not getting as mad online and/or turning on the news and 1/2 expecting that we somehow invaded fucking Minnesota with our navy.
But, yes its still kind of shitty and even with the most optimistic brain it is still a somewhat dreary sludge through normal life.*
*however, if you work for CRB then every day is a glorious existence replete with many meats and cheeses and the finest coors lights.
To further that point we had to all go get covoid tests the other day because thats what we do now, go visit free strangers to have them jab q-tips up your nose and then hope you don't die..while also cursing the person that put you in that position in the first place!
Obviously in the world of sports there was drastic drastic changes, bubbles and protocals and fan-less games and the crushing existential dread of being a fan in the first place (go cubs)
But it did affect our little world of waterskiing.
Not as much with the 3-event ish side of things. Something we have railed about for years (again not so much recently as the little bluetooth thing fell out of the computer and the keyboard wouldn't connect), but, that the tournaments and events are, while held at excellent sites, not held at places nor promoted (we believe) in such a way to attract the normie.
Average ass Joe isn't going to trundle the kids and what not 20 miles into the country to watch a bunch of hella talented people ski but, not have any clue why or what is going on.
Besides all that, it appeard that most of the events went on anyways, because no one was there anyways and waterskiing in that sense is a very individual sport where social distanceing is...you know...like allready in place man.
/bong rip
They were all webcast in varying degrees of goodness.
Show skiing obviously is on the other side of things, where its very much a communal endeavor and therefor was quite affected. In so much that none of the competitions went on normally, no teams etc. other then a sort of weak individual competition that..sure whatever.
But, so what. 2020 was a year of weirdness and by the time we all figured out ways in which we could be around each other sort of safely and do things it wasn't summer anymore anyways and it makes no sense to argue about the decisions that people made that they felt were in the name of safety.
The people that argue that shit in hindsight also do not belong on our pontoon boat.
Meaning, "oh, well, yeah we could have done that if we all weren't such pussies"
Hindsight is great you loser idiot. Go swim in an above ground pool of lava and dicks.
Remember back in the early part of the summer, no one was really sure what to do, how to protect ourselves, how it affected the old/young...etc...we know more now, have testing all over and to retroactively critizise people is right near the apex of smug ass bullshiterism
Will 2021 be the same?
WHO KNOWS!
But it does feel as if we have gotten past the point of self-pity and can move along into a more healthy outlook.
So, lets ring in 2021 with a renewed outlook on life and waterskiing, more positive and more hopeful and maybe we all make it out the otherside in a better or at least, better adjacent place...and how?
By utilizing these three steps.
1) MORE WATERSKIING
2) INCREASE THE FUN SNACKS
3) HELL YEAH DUDE
Ok, Stephen King, figure out an ending.
LETS GET SOME
CRB Updates / WTF
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| No, thats two for me bar keep. make em strong. |
never the less. what sort of waterski poltergeist would we be if we didn't infect your brain and send a tree in through you window to try and kill you.
What?
Thats a movie huh? Ok, sweet, well lets figure this shit out somehow then.
This is a post to help explain what is going on with CRB and where we are now, where we are going and if being silly in our current world still has a place at the table. We aren't for sure at the moment and for sure we don't know at the end, but, lets see if we can't figure it out a bit along the way.
What say you?
Do you want answers...do you? DO YOU???? BITCH. ANSWER ME!!!!!
Your right...that was to aggressive...lets try to lay out the framework a bit, shall we? ok...GO.
Yeah, its that good. #ad #paid #sponcon
Who knows.
We have had alot of meetings, we have had alot of break out groups and we have had alot of items to be examined prior to E.O.D, and we have had about 40 some odd meetings in our outrageous meeting rooms that are always stocked full of sliced meats and cheez its and shiner bock trying to figure this all out...and...
By the way, this may explain why this is a bit of an issue. Not the main reason for our lack of posting, but, its a real one. Our meeting room food stuffs are legendary. :)
Also have you ever had just one shiner bock? For real, if you dont know about Shiner Bock, get your ass to a watering hole and get one, two, three, four....oh you met a girl...five, six....ok, god bless, your having sex...
Also have you ever had just one shiner bock? For real, if you dont know about Shiner Bock, get your ass to a watering hole and get one, two, three, four....oh you met a girl...five, six....ok, god bless, your having sex...
ok, we will put this on the agenda for tomorrow.
 |
/beats you to death with a bowling pin to drink your shiner bock |
Yeah, its that good. #ad #paid #sponcon
We went through hundreds of different things and why things things have changed, what we can do to get back to what we used to be, what we should become, what the hell that smell was.
Many ideas were brought up and bandied around, some taken serious, some wrapped up and smoked, some discarded immediately, but...
But, ultimately, the word we kept coming back to was fun.
Is this fun, is what we are doing fun...is this sport fun? are we making it fun? Are we helping it BE fun?
...
Of course, for those in the know, the CRB empire is so incredibly lucrative that we don't need to update or post or go on epic red-ass rants, but, its fun...and that is where things began to go a bit sideways.
Things stopped becoming "fun".
On the right side of the page, you see the years and the numbers of posts per year and it was 2015/2016 that we dropped right off. The desire to post was always there, and the number of drafts in the blogger folder show aborted starts and stops.
An awful lot of, "hey, this may be funny!" and its a 4 paragraph story of a sunken canoe that tied into the loss of freedom that the kwahalie tribe dealt with in the outback.
Those posts has the right intention behind them, but, we think that 1/2 way through we understood that, those aren't the things that made the CRB fun, CRB was known for being a silly mirror in which we could view our sport.but, we also dealt with..or noticed..that the world of media and content was starting to change.
We can yell our silly takes into the wind, but, saying something like, "LOL LOOK ALEX LAURENTO GOT INTERVIEWED IN FRONT OF A PORTA-POTTY" and then photoshop a sad Keanu Reeves onto the roof is funny as hell, but, it felt like that world was drying up.
For example.
Search the googles for a recipe for "instant pot jasmine rice" and you have 100's of god damn blogger sites going on for 2,000 words about their story of jasmine rice and their experiments and shit, when it should say.
1-cup water
1-cup rice
put in instant pot and hit 20 minutes. when the thing drops. open and eat.
There are hundreds of these sites! Jasmine rice! KatiesLife.com/jasminerice. FUCK! I just cant remember how many minutes! I don't need a story of your child and her lack of skill on a pogo stick!
Meaning, its not just reliable* sources you use to get your info, or results, you have to find out from peoples instagram pages and twitter and god forbid facebook.
We could have looked in our cook book and had our way to cook rice, but, the natural reaction is to google it, and now what? Betty Crocker said this, but, some dip shit in mississippi said this and now I have fucked up rice and alimony payments.
 |
| Your booty got me like |
That all being said, real life factors in as well. When the CRB started, many mutations ago, it was a way in which we could access a computer from campus back in our dorm. Does anyone remember, 192.45.72.14 web sites?
Back then, in mid 1990s, we want to say 1997? When napster was a thing and lime wire and somehow the song "a horse with no name" was a neil young song and you would go to a computer lab to work on your projects for school. From there you could log into your home computer and listen to all your downloaded music and access your files. You felt like Mr. Robot!
For some this may seem weird. but, its true. We will...in the next i think few years, have people going to college who have never know life without iPhones. Without on the go music and porn and other important things like, school projects and spam emails and podcasts and Call of Duty.
Today, if we can't play the april 23 1977 Grateful Dead show from Springfield, MA RIGHT NOW, in our car, we are pissed off! We wanna hear that version of Franklins Tower right now!!!
Word?
OH SHIIIIT
Seriously think about it!
Today, in our 1987 SkiMasterBu, we can talk to our boat and have music play, without plugging in phones or weird music devices, or anything! Its all bluetooth and shit. Its super awesome.
"Play dead and company at shoreline amphitheater" then hop in the water and rip a shitty skurfer set.
We consume, view and enjoy our world different then we did and thats hella good. As we are writing this, we have an alexa playing a baseball game from the other coast, and in a bit when we are done with this we will talk to our television to open youtube and continue the video we were watching on wood working.
You change, morph and adjust or you sit there crying about what it used to be like.
 |
| I've never felt so frisky, HEYYYY MACARENA |
Good lord, why do you need so many words?
Simply this. IDK #shitpost
But, what we are going to be aiming for is both ventures into video and ventures into audio. Not, christ, not pretending we are anything other some silly nonsense, but, we would love to be able to do something that provides some fun content for waterskiers and athletes...shoot, waterski supporters and athletic supporters to vibe on.
Not everyone is going to appreciate our specific blend of niche waterski jokes along with potty mouth. its a venn diagram that, DOES, include your mom...but, not "our" mom.
Anyways, the point of al this nonsense, its this.
CRB is here and we will be posting and doing stupid shit, its just a matter of the way in which it arrives.
Blog? Yup. That sillyness will be around, and hopefully less whisky fueled.
Youtube? lol, sure, why not. Anyone wanna watch ODBF drop his phone in the lake trying to take a video of a hot ass pontoon boat running ashore? I DO!
Podcast? this is closer to reality then not. There have been some in-roads into this world via horton and show skiing, but, nothing has really gotten us wet so to speak so maybe thats something to work on. Actual conversation and fun about our sport with production value?
/vapors
/oh child please
of more import.
Newsletter. We are very much considering adopting a blog / newsletter style moving forward. A Blog doing our normal nonsense with a newsletter heading to your email inbox once a week with a bit more in-depth sillyness.
Maybe what we do is charge a few bucks a month of the in - depth, for the interviews, for the things that are fun. for the things that make you better.......
The monetized and free. Think of it this way.
Your normal waterski is this
 |
| Can I take your order sir? |
Your weekly newsletter is this
 |
Nah bitch you can get with the times, and eat this shotty** |
Who knows.
But, while our momentum has tailed off we hope as we ramp back up in the coming weeks and months, to hopefully ride that wave out of our current pandemic world into the world of fun and nonsense, take this how you want.
When the real world is no longer is fun, its really hard to have fun on a silly waterski blog. Our sport is built on fun and when the people in charge of the world they create is no longer fun vs. the world that we remember and where we can sit in the back of the room and shoot spit balls at those on charge, no damage intended but a bit of frivolity, thats where we want to get to. Thats where the fun is!
You know, we don't mean the people in charge of our sport right? You get the underlying current our what we are saying...right??? You get that the "people in charge of our world" means what it means right?
Anyways.
We will get back to that world soon. And we will be there to make fun of it.
*your mom
**Drive angry. borderline best movie ever made
Growth Opportunity? Nah, Lets Sit on our Hands
**Editors note: ODBF seems to have woken up from a three year slumber and returned to the keyboard to yell into it. What follows is our attempt to make sense of it"
The sport of water skiing is missing a HUGE opportunity.
How should we take advantage of this crisis? DO NOTHING YAY
Yes, there are lots of great people in the sport, but JFC, how hard is it to at least let those of us that give a shit about the sport know what is going on? Post some useful info, ideas, something...anything really that helps keep those of us that try to follow this sport in the loop.
Seriously, is the end goal of our sport to be a couple rich people skiing in their backyard lake with no one watching? Cuz that's where we are right now, so
YAY WE DID IT, NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT OUR SPORT ANYMORE. Champaign all around!
Or...we could try to get people to watch our sport again, bring money into the sport instead of bleeding all of the companies that try to hack it in the ever shrinking world of skiers. I understand this has been a crazy year for everyone, but all the sudden lots of people have a bit of free time and they are turning to the internet to fill the void left by not going and sitting in their cubical while trying to stifle the urge to kill that dip shit Karen from accounts payable. JFC SHUT UP KAREN!!!
So this is a big opportunity for the sport to get some eyes checking out our sport online. I mean, I, like all of you, have spent the entire quarantine watching all the awesome old ski vids and virtual tournaments run being posted on social media by the powers that be.
Whats that you say? None of that has actually happened? The powers that be have dropped the ball...again?
I don't know who those powers that be are though... USAWS? The individual sports divisions? Someone in the sport with a large social media presence? Hell, maybe I should be bringing this up at the CRB headquarters. Maybe we should try to take a lead in this if no one else cares enough to do it.
This really is not that complicated, there are a shit ton of smart people that love this sport, UTILIZE THEM. A few ideas I just came up with, just spit balling here:
Virtual Tournaments. So we are not supposed to gather in groups, which is smart, I am in no rush to kill my parents or your grandparents. The bare footers have found a way around that, LINK, so the other disciplines could easily do this as well. I know access to courses and jumps is an issue, but try something!
Virtual coaching. There are a bunch of these out there already, LINK, but it could easily be promoted by USAWS or any other large group for that matter. Think about all the training opportunities skiers are missing out on right now. Usually college kids would have been practicing and going to tournaments with their teams all spring. Well that was not an option, but think if skiers could have submitted a video of themselves running the course, or working on a new trick and someone gave them a bit of remote coaching. It keeps them interested and helps them advance. I would bet ever last cent in my bank account ($15.34) and a box of Cheeze-its that some of the very talented skiers that have torn up the lake at an NCWSA tournament would have been happy to donate a bit of time to give a bit of advice for free.
Skier a day vids. We are all bored right now, wouldn't it be awesome to see a new vid posted by USAWS everyday of one of the elite skiers in our sport doing something awesome and answering some questions? I struggle to keep my computer functioning so I don't know how best to do this but something like this.
Day 1 Trick set and AMA with Erika Lang
Day 2 Slalom set and AMA with Regina Jacquess
Day 3 Jump set and AMA with Freddy Krueger
Day 4 Freestyle jump set and AMA with Dan Olson
Day 5 Barefoot set and AMA with Keith St Onge
Day 6 Knee board set and AMA with...I don't know any knee boarders...
Day 7 Sky ski set and AMA with...nope, don't know any of them either
and repeat
I am pretty happy with that last idea, hell, we should be doing that right now anyways.
We have killed the sport, lets party
Or...we could try to get people to watch our sport again, bring money into the sport instead of bleeding all of the companies that try to hack it in the ever shrinking world of skiers. I understand this has been a crazy year for everyone, but all the sudden lots of people have a bit of free time and they are turning to the internet to fill the void left by not going and sitting in their cubical while trying to stifle the urge to kill that dip shit Karen from accounts payable. JFC SHUT UP KAREN!!!
So this is a big opportunity for the sport to get some eyes checking out our sport online. I mean, I, like all of you, have spent the entire quarantine watching all the awesome old ski vids and virtual tournaments run being posted on social media by the powers that be.
Whats that you say? None of that has actually happened? The powers that be have dropped the ball...again?
I don't know who those powers that be are though... USAWS? The individual sports divisions? Someone in the sport with a large social media presence? Hell, maybe I should be bringing this up at the CRB headquarters. Maybe we should try to take a lead in this if no one else cares enough to do it.
This really is not that complicated, there are a shit ton of smart people that love this sport, UTILIZE THEM. A few ideas I just came up with, just spit balling here:
Virtual Tournaments. So we are not supposed to gather in groups, which is smart, I am in no rush to kill my parents or your grandparents. The bare footers have found a way around that, LINK, so the other disciplines could easily do this as well. I know access to courses and jumps is an issue, but try something!
Virtual coaching. There are a bunch of these out there already, LINK, but it could easily be promoted by USAWS or any other large group for that matter. Think about all the training opportunities skiers are missing out on right now. Usually college kids would have been practicing and going to tournaments with their teams all spring. Well that was not an option, but think if skiers could have submitted a video of themselves running the course, or working on a new trick and someone gave them a bit of remote coaching. It keeps them interested and helps them advance. I would bet ever last cent in my bank account ($15.34) and a box of Cheeze-its that some of the very talented skiers that have torn up the lake at an NCWSA tournament would have been happy to donate a bit of time to give a bit of advice for free.
Skier a day vids. We are all bored right now, wouldn't it be awesome to see a new vid posted by USAWS everyday of one of the elite skiers in our sport doing something awesome and answering some questions? I struggle to keep my computer functioning so I don't know how best to do this but something like this.
Day 1 Trick set and AMA with Erika Lang
Day 2 Slalom set and AMA with Regina Jacquess
Day 3 Jump set and AMA with Freddy Krueger
Day 4 Freestyle jump set and AMA with Dan Olson
Day 5 Barefoot set and AMA with Keith St Onge
Day 6 Knee board set and AMA with...I don't know any knee boarders...
Day 7 Sky ski set and AMA with...nope, don't know any of them either
and repeat
I am pretty happy with that last idea, hell, we should be doing that right now anyways.
Happy 4/20 From Your Friends at CRBaked
Hey, how about that. We remembered to pay our internet bill and the man let us have our website back! Our accounts payable department* is awesome.
Hope everyone is having a great year and nothing weird or bad or terrifying has happened to affect anyones life in any way what so ever!!
CRB - "Whats that?"
CRB - "Oh, I see, could you be a little more specific?"
All seeing being: /gestures broadly at everything.
CRB - "Well, fuck"
Light one up then, enjoy this while we still have it.
We Don't Know How To Pay For Our Domain Name
Yeah, no shit.
100 years ago we bought the domain with enom.com. somehow that shit got sold to google who wants us to pay like 200 a year for some g-suite ass nonsense. I've paid for a G-suite and all it got me was weak ass cocaine and genital wart.
I suppose, we will figure this out, but, maybe not.
Either way.
I had to come out of my cabin in the woods to handle this bullshit for these morons.
Rowboat out.
here. enjoy this you pigs
Indiana Beach is Closing Down
Strange and suprising news coming out of Indiana.
Not going to lie, didn't know they had strong enough electricity in Indiana to actually power a roller coaster over your mom.Indiana Beach to close after 94 years. https://t.co/psgL2bup1V— WTHR.com (@WTHRcom) February 18, 2020
From a personal level, they could use a bomb to explode that place and we would be fine with it, back in the day, we had a significant other who went to ski at the ski show there.
They were no longer that, post, that.
So, fuck that place. Fuck your state. Fuck your roller coaster. May you melt into the sea with your shit basketball and your shit corn.
Oh, and your race track sucks.
Maybe....we should relax a bit.
Its going to be a stressful year or so coming up....we have been able to make it through before...but...
its not quite the original band, but, wow, is there any band in the world that plays better music and is that incapable of harmonizing worse?
Yeah yeah, fine. Cannibal Corpse. sure. but, second?
Didn't think so.
Yum, Chicken
TRY IT WITH SOME COLE SLAW ON THE SIDE!!
That's it, that's the post.
Eat Chicken. Its good.
Sudden Realization - Its August?
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| I have the weirdest dinner plates |
It happens all the time, you look up and its WAY later in the day then you thought it was, or you spend a day out on the water and glance at your phone and WHOA! its allready, like, 6 pm or something.
But, what the in the actual hell, did you guys realize that it's already August?
Like, the eighth month of the year??
The month that was named by a Roman emperor named, August. Dude named the month after himself, because thats the month in which he had the most victories in battle. Never the less, what a self-absorbed loser.
August is also sometimes known as Harvest Month.
Great, neat, thats fine. But, what gives man. Just like, last week it was April and in our part of the country it was just starting to still be shitty outside!!!
Wasn't it just like, a few weeks ago we were shoveling snow and cursing the weather gods and wondering why on earth we live in this horrible area? Seeing the skimasterbu in the garage and thinking, "listen here you little bitch, you are going to get SO USED up this summer. Just get ready"
And what now?
Its August.
AND WHAT THE HELL???
Its already the Eighth?
JESUS CHRIST!!!
 |
| Settle down Presiden Van Buren, you Bob Cratchit looking ass |
The 8th of August. Good heavens!
The day that the Henry II of France declared war on England!
The day that, in 1576, the cornerstone is laid for Tycho Brahe's observatory in Uraniborg, Denmark!
The day that, in 1585, John Davis enters Cumberland Sound in search of the Northwest Passage!
I mean, on this day in 1673 a fleet of 23 Dutch battle ships demanded the surrender of New York!
Idiots
On this day in 1911 the millionth patent is filed in the United States Patent Office by Francis Holton for a tubeless vehicle tire
I mean, what the hell!?!?!?!
How could this be already??
I mean, on this day in 1848 the US Barnburners party merged with the Free Soil Party and nominated that Neil Young's dad looking fool above for president.
 |
| Yo, Van Buren is mad tight son, check your privilege /harmonica solo |
Unreal man.
I mean, in 1918 in World War I, The Allies launch the Hundred Days Offensive, beginning with the Battle of Amiens where 500 tanks and 10 Allied divisions attacked German lines
Its really hard to wrap our heads around the fact that its already the ninth.
I mean, it was like...I dont know, like, last year in 1988 the Cubs beat the Mets 6-4 in the first ever official night game at Wrigley Field.
The passage of time takes it toll on people in different ways, we cope and deal with things that change and mutate in our own different ways. Some of us welcome the passage of time, viewing the upcoming time with open arms and enjoying the adventure that is there before us. Viewing life as a winding path through unstable and unknown terrain.
Some of us prefer to look at the past and remember the good times and marinate on that which helps propel us into the future, realizing the more good times and memories are sure to be realized. With the steady hand of a seasoned ship captain guiding the rudder of our vessel and simultaneously enjoying the wake created and the open water ahead.
While others prefer to, or simply survive, by living in a consistent state of homeostasis undeterred by either the forward or backwards passage of time, like a submarine traversing the depths of the ocean without the knowledge of the passing of day and night, time is an abstract concept ignored for the simple well being of the mind, only to be reminded from time to time by constructural events like birthdays and holidays.
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| Found your mom, dork. |
You become what you thought of when you were young as a un-idealized loser, going to work, putting gas in your car, making dinner, trying not to fight...AGAIN...with your partner because you did...whatever it is that you do that pisses them off.
Because, and it sneaks up on you, you have forgot to do things for yourself. To make sure that you are enjoying things and not just doing what is expected of you because thats easier then doing something irresponsible like, you know, owning a freaking ski boat and tearing it up on some random wednesday afternoon because you are a god damn bad ass!!!
Then again, phew, boats are really expensive and this leased Chevy Traverse isn't going to pay for itself and Dale, your neighbor is thinking about having a manger scene on his lawn this year for christmas and you will be god damned if he is going to make his house look better then yours so you better start planning out your decorations and probably going to target to pick up some...
WHAT THE HELL!!!
ITS 2019?????
Whats going on!!??
 |
| RAHHHHHHHHHH. LETS GO |
New Federal Law: Pontoon Days
Hey! Did anyone watch the Democratic Debate last night???
HOO-BOY, we are sure it must have been wonderfully entertaining and hopefully a sign of brighter things ahead for our country, but, we didn't watch!
Did Elizabeth Warren "LAY WASTE" to John Delany??
MAYBE!!!
Or did Bernie say some...whatever, Bernie stuff?? Probably!!
With all the talk of health care and reparations and immigration and, what else, infrastructure?? That sounds like something someone would say at some point wouldn't it? That sounds like a politician type word. Infrastructure. Thats a meaty word if you think about, full of syllables and letters and what not, makes one feel smart...maybe to smart if you ask us...its really a scam that the system is playing on us, get us to feel smarter than we really are.
When we feel smarter, we tend to gloss over things that one who, of such a high IQ, would condemn as beneath them, or not worthy of our time or not deemed of such importance as to raise even an interested eye brow.
But, this, is not, that place.
What was not talked about is a policy that we need to fight for, we need to take to the streets, demand action take place RIGHT AWAY!
PONTOON DAYS!!!
 |
| Calmer then you are dude. |
Thats right, every person in America should be entitled to 4 pontoon days a year.
"But, Dig Dug," you say, "This idea...what the hell is it?"
Glad you asked. Lets delve in a bit and see if your mind doesn't explode with glee and snacks.
Yesterday in CRB land, it was just shy of 80 degrees, not a cloud in the sky, slight...SLIGHT breeze rustling the trees and we were stuck at our jobs all day long. Missing out on what should have been a wonderful day on the lake. Frolicking around on a pontoon boat all day, drinking beers, eating cheez-its and the finest sliced meats, guacamole, grapes!! (???)...NOT sitting in a god damn office all day long.
Looking out the window and knowing what the weather was and how we are WASTING this perfect day in a suit in an office, which, look, its fine. It has A/C, and snacks and gives us money to pay for things, but, THESE ARE THE DAYS THAT NEED TO BE ENJOYED IN THE OUTDOORS!
So, the concept is such.
You are allotted 4 of these days a year, 4 Pontoon Day cards so to speak.
 |
| YES WE CAN GO ON THAT PONTOON BOAT! |
There are no rules surrounding the why or reasoning behind them, you determine a pontoon day and all you have to do is log on to to www.pontoonday.gov enter your information and notification is sent to your employer that Mr/Ms So and So are exercising their pontoon day and off you go to take your government issued pontoon boat out for a day of fun!
"Ok, Ok, Dig Dug, this idea has merits and seems like a good thing for all," you say, "but, how on earth would this work for all Americans!"
First of all. Pontoon boats are a right that all Americans should be able to enjoy, not just the wealthy, not just the powerful. Its a right we all deserve, its a HUMAN right.
Second of all, the BIG JOB industry has for far to long run roughshod over the poor, taking advantage of loop holes in our pleasure craft industry to effectively exploit the average American and rake in huge profits.
Third of all, in our increasingly online and anxiety filled world, we all need...nay! Deserve the ability to take our mental health seriously and it has been scientifically proven through MANY triple blind tests and experiments that a pontoon boat, when administered properly will almost entirely eliminate all mental health issues AND lead to a very healthy increase in sexual activity of people who only met that day but, damn you look good in that bathing suit.
Lets make mistakes girl.
 |
| No Maria, FOUR days a year, not three. See you at home babe. |
"Ok this is a wonderful idea and should be implemented instantly," you are now yelling this at the top of your lungs, "But, there are like, almost 5 million people in this country, how do we possibly organize that many pontoon boats and keep it clean and orderly and free of the corruption that plagues almost every other aspect of life in this country"
This is a very valid point, as most of us have a natural distrust of government programs and the waste that they inevitably produce.
Sure sure sure, you COULD look at this program that way, like a pessimist, like a hater, and thats fine. That just simply means you haven't been on a pontoon boat recently and your mental state is that of a typical well adjusted human being who just can't see the forest for the trees.
Pontoon boats are basically cure alls, bad things never happen on a lake on a pontoon. Lets break it down.
1) Your floating on water. This is good. The sound of waves lapping against the aluminum tubes of a pontoon boat have been shown to reduce ones stress level by 6.
2) Its a sunny day and you are outside. No one spends a day outside doing anything, hiking in the woods, doing yard work, fixing their motorcycle, playing basketball, whatever, and then get home in a bad mood. No! You get fresh air in your lungs, you get sun on your skin and you FEEL better!
3) We will put garbage cans on the dock so when you get back you can just chuck your empties in there and its good to go for the next person.
See? Its that simple.
 |
| Same, just, cool ass Pontoon Boats and not airplanes. |
Millions of new jobs will be created in the pontoon boat world and the outboard motor world producing all these new boats and motors for the happy citizens.
So many 25 horsepower motors!!!
It will be like after World War 2 when our economy was booming and everyone was having sex and things were the way they were supposed to be!
Nothing bad could ever happen!!!!
Let's Do This America!!!!
Pontoon Days, Lets Float Our Ways To Better Days!!
Ummm...did you know they are waterskiing at the Pan American Games?
 |
But, did you know that there is waterskiing going on at the Pan American Games in Lima??
WE DIDN'T!
Turns out, its probably going on right now! Or maybe its already over!!
If our ability to google stuff works, looks like... /types furiously...
Well, huh, how about that. Regina Jaquess (pronounced Jaquess) is still out there wrecking shit like a boss.
She won gold. As if any of us doubted our cyborg overlord. See? Look here. ClickaLinka
Ok, so, thats it. Looks as though tuesdays action will consist of MOAR SKIING. via the link above.
Tuesday’s action will consist of the men’s and women’s water ski overall events and men’s wakeboarding. Garcia will compete in men’s overall, Jaquess will compete in women’s overall, and Andrew Adkison (Chipley, Fla.) will compete in men’s wakeboarding.Tight Tight Tight. So, anyways, this has been the helpful CRB. As always your #1 source of waterski news.
You're Doing Pontoon Wrong
Its happened to everyone at some point in their lives, a moment that is tucked back into the mind that you remember from time to time and shudder.
You have done something that you are embarrassed about, you have done something that make you feel like a fool, you have acted, the fool.
You need to get home, get grounded, get right with your life. We are all allowed these daliances into the world of silly. Its ok, you get heated about some political issue, you get mad about fire wood, you have a issue with the way someone parks their car, you accidentally murder a a community leader in a fit of rage over their proposed street parking agenda.
LOOK! Its happened to us all, and the bodies that are buried in someone else's backyard that in NO WAY incriminate me to these heinous crimes are in no way a barometer to your own moral misgivings to you cheating on your husband last month. with me. in your car. in a target parking lot. in the morning.
it was good tho. #respect
never the less, in times of trouble, mother mary come to me. speaking words of wisdom. get a pontoon and drink your pain away.
right? Thats the song?
Pretty sure thats right.
These are the moments you need to get right with your god, get centered and back to what makes you a heathoneous person in the first place, a boat with two pontoons and some beer on it, possibly some cheez-its, and most certainly a cadre of sliced turkey and cheese, and for sure some pretzel buns. NOM NOM....quiet now, nom nom.....ok, he is gone, NOM NOM!!!
Eat you glutonous piece of shit! Dance like no one is watching! Eat like your mirror hates you!!
You need to remember what got you here in the first place, you arent' setting agendas at the weekly condo association meeting, no, you are trying get your ass onto the pontoon and get proper.
and then. you get to the dock and see this.
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| My grandpa beat me with the sharp end of an axe, so, i do this. Im an idiot. |
Thats three motors.
thats.
What the fuck is that??? Your running three, what, 225s on a god damn pontoon boat? How dare you sir!!!
How do you bring that into our lives. This is pitbull satellite radio being beamed into your head at 1000 miles an hour without your permission, this is a heinous act of aggression to your chilling out and we should, really, be taking them to court over the obscivation of yoru pontooning rights as an American citizen and how they flaunt the laws of common decency with their vulgar display...
...dont say it...
...your going to tho...
their...
That isn't what the boating gods had in mind when they came up with the pontoon. Pontoon is supposed to be about chilling out, slowing meandering about your body of water while sipping on cocktails, eating cheeze-its and...maybe, if your super bold, smoking a joint to "take the edge off"
It is not, this nonsense.
 |
| life in the suburbs is great. I love my bullshit life |
or
 |
| LOL, IM AN ASSHOLE |
or
 |
| I ran over my own dick with a subaru, this is the only way to feel normal. |
or
 |
| im a maga-chud. i wish this could drown me and my sorrows |
This isn't what pontoon is supposed to be about. If you want a fishing boat that has as billion horsepower, go get one. If you want a deck boat go get one. If you want to flaunt that you hate your life, get a run-about.
Tow your dick head kids around the lake on a Saturday at top speed while yelling at your partner about the parking situation in the garage and how your boss makes you feel insignificant.
Dont take that out on your boat!
Boats, any boat, ski boat, pontoon, car, whatever, are weird extensions of your own life. They are not necessities, you don't need a boat, you don't need a car, you don't need a wife, you don't need functioning toilet, you don't need walls...you don't need love, you only need to bow at the alter of the monetary system that controls your world. Give in to the life that those richer then you expect of you.
Do no ask questions. Blindly do what you are told. You fucking sheep ass piece of shit.
You don't need any of that.
But, what you deserve, what you should be promised in the constitution, is the ability to once in a while, to fucking chill out.
To have a beer. Get some sun on that belly you are so mad isn't as flat as it used to be.
To not feel like you owe it to anyone to be anything that you aren't. You have earned that right in this world. And its ok, to be a bit selfish if you feel it.
You don't owe the world shit, you don't owe anyone a 40 hour a week nonsense bullshit plan. You are your own boss in this life.
You dont have to explain to your stupid neighbor why you are taking a few days and spending them on your boat so you can be centered.
In our world these days, so many of us are so uptight, strung so tight that we snap at even the nicest people you meet. You are mean to the person at subway for no reason, what, they didn't put 5 green peppers on your sub and not 6? Slam your dick in a drawer your dipshit.
You chastise the person at target because they didn't immediately acknowledge how serious your stupud bullshit was? Stick a broom up your ass idiot. People live their lives not in a cow-tow situation to your own idiot nonsnese.
Your rude to the cashier as best buy because they aren't moving fast enough and asking the customer if they want the extended warranty?? They are doing their jobs and they sure as hell aren't worried about the fact your kids have to wait an extra five minutes at home with the baby sitter because you were out having an affair and then remembered you needed a god damn optical cable for your video dildo.
Fuck you.
Go out on your god damn pontoon boat and decompress. You need it.
Yes. You.
This is a good start. Right here.
Look close, those people are having a hell of a good time, despite their 80's ass hair metal hair. Bet you $100 bucks they are slamming natty ices and pulling on a joint. Look at the guy in the blue shirt, he is TOTALLY sneaking a bit of a titty grab while Dale......fucking dale.....is checking his email..making sure his dip shit client will skate on his 5th dui.
Or...lets get real. Look at these people!
They are growing weed right there on their boat! Thats a proper chill vessel. There is a grill right there in the bow of the boat, and you can bet your sweet ass they are grilling up hot dogs, kebabs and corn on the cob. They know damn well that Scooter in the office can fuck right off about that PDS report he has been harping on.
Speaking of Scooter, here he is on his boat, trying to be a bad ass. LOL son, you look like a bad pair of boxers after a racquetball match made up entirely of people who eat far too many stool softeners.
(ed note: YUCK)
Look, the point is. 90% of us all need to chill the fuck out, to get out of our own brains and enjoy our lifes a litle bit more. There is no prize for being 80 years old and someone slapping you on the dick and saying, "great job working that sunday"
Nah, it doesn't happen. Its all regets when we get old. We regret not skiing that one pass, we regret not talking to that one girl, we regret...we regret.
Lets be more like Dale and Johnson here in their super on brand pontoon, just go fucking fishing man. Take a god damn load off, catch your self a trout and look at it in its fish face and say, "bro, i love you, but, I ate a 1/2 tab of acid and you look like a god damn dna sequence of a turtle"
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| Turtles are so dope tho bro |
sup
Broken Trick Ski
Its never easy to let go of something that has been with you for a long time, relationships, friends, items, housing, cars, all for for various reasons take a hold of a little place in your hearts and when they leave, get sold, get lost, hurt just a little more then they should.
The other day the crb staff was out on one of our corporate mandated ski days. These are, for those who don't know, are days required by our corporate overlords where we take out the ski masterbu and ski all day, regardless if we want to or not.
Naturally, Megan from accounts payable went first...because, honestly, she is the best skier that we have at crb, and also, she likes to think that nabbing the best of the meats we have stacked in the cooler and then skiing right away absolves her of the fact that she ate ALL THE GOOD MEATS.
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| wake 180 to NOMS |
but...thats something for HR to figure out, as a CRBoard member, I just crack open an old style and chuckle.
"girl has moxie", I say, to the walkie talkie that is connected to nothing, because I am a moron, "She deserves the protein"
And the reverie goes on all day. If you have ever witnesses a CRBday on the water you know that the skiing is secondary, as it should be, as its really pretty bad. Normally Jacob, who works in shipping and receiving, is throwing up by 10:30 am.
Which is odd, because as policy, CRB doesn't open until after lunch time. So, he may have some issues to deal with that are not quite something we can deal with. If you can't get to work on time after a burger and a beer at Red Brick Bar and Grill, then...well, thats on you.
Anyways.
Corporate ski days are nothing to be trifled with.
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| see, this is a god damn chicken noodle soup flip you noobs |
A corporate restructure a few years back included this as a requirement for advancement in the CRB corporation. Which, really reduced waterskiing to an annoyment when it really should have been for fun, but, thats the world we live in. Everything in monetized and fun is bad.
Never the less.
Chad, who works in our new digital development department, decided to wager on his trick ski run. And wouldn't you know it, he threw down the following wager.
FOUR BOXES OF CHEDDAR JACK CHEEZ-ITS.
Winner has to buy the loser 4 god damn boxes of cheddar jack cheez its.
CHALLANGE ACCEPTED.
We aren't about to be embarrassed by a toned ass man-bitch. son, you are about to feel the wrath of a possibly 1000 point trick ski run on your ass.
Now, however our hubris, we working from a disadvantage.
Our trick ski, that we have had and loved for years was getting old. Its been with us for ever, through ups and downs, brown hair and gray hair, for healed and broken bones, though heart ache and triumph.
Its always in the ski shed.
it...in an strange way provides comfort.
Because no matter what else is going on, our girl is still there ready to take on the challenge.
We have noticed, in the last few years, that the ski is not quite as stout as it used to be. And don't get us wrong, its still got its moments, but, they are not as prevalent as before.
Everyone knows that over time, a ski starts to wear out. In our history, we had a kidder redline, that eventually as the ski began to age, we could over ski. It got tired, it got old. It lived its life. No shame, but there is sadness in remembering the history when the ski was strong.
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| no, the skis aren't supposed to be the shelfs...damnit karen |
This is the same scenario with our trick ski. its something we have had for damn near half our life. Always ready to get in the boat, always ready for play time on the water, always ready for whatever we were ready to do.
But over time, we began to notice it wasn't as quick on its feet as it used to be. Willing, mind you, but, not quite as frisky as it used to be.
And this isn't something that we caught right away, when you are with something everyday, you don't notice the decline until it slaps you in the face. A holy shit moment, like, oh.....i can't do my wake 360 as easy.....are you getting weak in your flex area on the wake???
By this point, though, it doesn't matter because we will put our trick ski up with anyone.
"bitch, you think you got shit," said us, "ill stomp your ass...maybe"
So, chad goes out and does what to a normal person, a layperson...you know, a moron, would be considered a decent run. We checked with the judges score card and we were able to determine the his run was this:
180 to quick nibble on a turkey and cheese
side slide
reverse side slide
reverse 180 to wake 540 to pulling a bag of fritos out of vest to mouth
triple whirly bird
(ed note: WTF??)
reverse 180 to shot gun a miller lite
Not bad right?????
so, ok, fuck this guy. Like dig dug is getting owned like that. we got that wake to eat turkey sandwich move down pat. and the fritos thing? thats our original. No one knows about the turkey chili bong move we have hidden from the eyes of the tabloids.
Like we want water ski magazines fucking facebook page to point out us eating delicious chili while executing a perfect wake to wake fashion air.
No, you do not, the paparazzi does not need to see that.
Look, lets be honest, tensions in the boat are high, Chad is talking big nonsense, like he is the king of the lake. Because he was able to keep the turkey sandwich dry.
Shit, "bitch, a grandma with rickets could keep a turkey sandwich dry behind this boat, fool."
That shut him down. But the tension was real.
We has to back up our astonishly stupid bullshit hubris with a decent trick run.
"Hey, you loser, you cant do a wake 180 with a sandwich in your hand, you pussy"
oh...right? this is what is being yelled at us while we are just trying to snarf down a pre-lunch snack prior to dominating this fools ass on a trick ski.
"OH YEAH" we yell through a mouth full of cheez its and craft cheddar cheese, "LETS SEE WHO CAN DO A DOUBLE LARGE MOUF BASS"
.....
.....
OH SHIT
.....
....
The gauntlet had been thrown down. NO ONE EVER, EVER, went there anymore. Not after Jennie tried it and was impaled 10 times by the pylon in her own boat. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN.
Not even scientist or meterioroligist can figure it out.
But we think Lil Jon had something to do with it. Probably a severe twerk injury, but, a 10 time impale really, left something for the sweat to drop down those balls.
No matter, like Dig Dig is ever one to back down from a rap battle. This not being a rap battle was a problem.....fuck it LETS GO.
The feeling around the dock was so decidedly cold, or at least, skeptical. No one has successfully done the double large mouf bass and lived to tell about it. There have been rumors on the chat boards that people have seen it done, but...the videos they have posted have either been one of two things.
1) big foot ass shit. Grainy non-sense. not suitable for viewing because, there is no way to tell if they transitioned from whirly-bird to railey to 3 tier presto into a 4 tier.
2) some bullshit where it feels like different clips are spliced together to make it look like someone...or something completed a DOUBLE LARGE MOUF BASS.
Its impossible.
but.
we are not wimps, we will not back down from a challenge.
Its go time.
For those unaware of what the double large mouf bass is, its pretty simple really, but, it requires somehow re-arranging the laws of time and physics. As it begins with one person and somehow ends with two three-tier pyramids transitioning into a single four tier behind a different boat with all the skier with a different mentality.
But, you have never skied on our ski.
Shit is magical.
Its been with us forever and if any ski could make something like that happen. It this one.
Now, again....for this trick to work, it needs alot of logisitcs, you needs two boats running side-by-side, you need a good trick skier (we are not) and the ability to launch out of the second triple whirly bird on the the top of the three high pyramid at the exact moment they transition into a presto'd four tier pyramid ALSO at the moment they somehow are able to to switch the ropes from your boat to the other boat via some cable mechanism.
SO DUMB .
Our first two tries resulted in, suprisingly, only three deaths, the boat driver, the top person on the pyramid and oddly, the other boat driver as she took a show board directly into her brain.
Odd.
But did that slow us down?
NOPE
On our final try, everything was set up perfect. Both boats were ready.
We were fired up, knowing that, Sure, a triple whirly bird is...i guess...possible, i havent made a side slide...you know, ever...but fuck it lets go.
so, all 9 boats fired up and took off. Our boat, the pyramid boat and the 7 boats we hired to shoot off fire works and have dancing people in the off-chance we pull shit off.
we eased outside the wake. Preparing for our triple whirley bird....and for those of you who dont know, a triple whirley bird is something that is written about in ancient scrolls. like, mayans used to do it as a way to ward off sars, or some shit. they had hella fuel-enjected pyramids back in the day.
so, a triple whirley bird requires both timing (hitting the wake the right way) and luck (being super lucky?)
Because of course, this was a challenge, none of the smart things you normally think are out the window..."We have to win!" said an idiot...same person on the ski, who will probably die in 2 minutes, "but i love the veggie tray from the grocery strore"
Idiot.
Never the less, this is CRB on the water day, and we can't back down to challenge.
We lit out to the left.....and cut as hard as we could to the right, ready to hit the wake just right and with enough lift to carry off THREE whirley birds, when just at that split second.
Wouldn't you know it.
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| I see your mom down there, bitch |
.......
We realized, this is the dumbest shit ever. We can barely do a wake to wake jump and land without eating various dicks whilst in the water.
Chad can just fuck off, the other boats and skiers just have to understand, "Yeah, waterskiing people are wild, yo"
We woke up floating in the lake with a few teeth missing, because we hit the water so hard, hubris is a bitch.
As we sat there floating in the water trying to score a milwaukees best and maybe a few spare pretzel bites we were reminding of our situation by a tooth floating by.
"oh, wow, that was a nasty fall..." said, us. "hope this blood is hypoallergenic"
Then we kicked off our ski and as it floated to the surface, it noticed, that it was bent in half. Right between the front and back binding.
"whoa" we said.
Our ski, we have had since about 15 years ago is dead.
We knew it was going, it wasn't' as sharp in the wakes, felt a bit more sloppy landing flips, but, to see it right there in front of you..without anything left it in it.
That was alot for us to handle. It had been with us from our early years, to our, wherever we are now. You take it for granted. You dont think of it every day, but, you know its there....by your side whenever you need.
"Oh shit son, you need a wake 360 followed by a burrito eat?, yeah, I got you!" -us
And now..now what.
Our ski it broken, its not going to be with us on our daily adventures, nor, will we have to put it up on its shelf at night.
yeah, sure, we could get a ski that would perform better, but..
we ski the best....we feel the best, we are happy the most on that ski...and now its gone.
Fuck you chad, yeah, we lost the ski battle. And we couldn't do DOUBLE LARGE MOUF BASS, and "bitch neither could you" but, that doesn't matter.
The boats are still going to run, the skiers are still going to ski, life is still going to continue.
You can be sad for the loss of of your ski. Your favorite ski. The one that provided reassurance to your life. But, skis live their life to you, they give their live to you. You have to let them go when their time comes.
Funny thing is, you have yelled at that ski "WHY COULDN"T YOU LAND THAT" you have consoled that ski "I should have been able to do that" and sometimes you just happen to look at the ski and it fills you with joy, "i see you bro, soon"
We will find a new ski and enjoy that too...but man, we really loved that ski*
Flow Point TV and a Quick Rant
Flow Point TV and Marcus Brown have brought us this love letter to collegiate skiing.
I watched this and immidiatly started looking to see where Nationals will be this year. Damn, that brings back all the fun memories and...yada yada gray hair old people words about past experiences. This got me thinking, what are we doing wrong with 3 event today that college skiing is the only bright spot in our sport right now? The Green Lightning tournament hosted by Jeff Surdej is the only team style tournament I know of, there are probably more but since we do such an absolutely shit job of promoting our sport, even to those like us here at the CRB world headquarters who love the sport and want to know whats going on.
Ok, I'm going to go yell at inanimate objects and any kids that get near my yard.
Nut Huggin
The Lament / The Regret / The Ascent
Things happen sometimes
Sometimes its the right reason
Sometimes its just life
Desire, passion
Nothing to bill collectors
push aside to live
Life can seem unfair
Its a part of you
That provides the energy
For everything else
But its now shadows
Collecting dust in the shed
Thats where the fun sits
Life can seem unfair
Ego comes from lake
Identity swirls in blue
The tough transition
The burn is alive
The strive to achieve still burns
That burn is on low
Life can seem unfair
Boat was in garage
Boat was replaced by real life
Boat was sold to friend
Skis collecting dust
Old wetsuits stored in basement
The fire dims...slightly
Life can seem unfair
Priorities change
Satisfaction comes different
You're still there for me
I've put you aside
For a moment, for a spell
Chill for a second
Life can seem unfair
The things that mattered
What gave you purpose and life
They are changed now
You have to work more
You are on your own payroll
Nothing free again
Life can seem unfair
Is it though? for real?
Maybe you are now the bank
You are now the rock
You are what is strong
You must now provide that spark
You are the reason
Life can seem unfair
If its important
If it matters now at all
Nothing should stop you
Its just a slight change
In your mental thought process
You aren't what you were
Life can seem unfair
Your better then that
You have grown beyond nonsense
You will never fail
Circular notion
It all comes around to you
Its your time to shine
Life can be unfair
They cant bring you down
Life cant stop your good desire
You just have to try
You won't always win
Nor, will you always succeed
Sometimes you just sit
Life can be unfair
Fight through that bullshit
Set your sights high, with purpose
Maybe you get close
Maybe its awful
Its still an effort you gave
Its fine, you don't lose
Life can be unfair
Try again, harder
Maybe, maybe not, its life
Keep that fire burning
The lake, forever
The passion, never ending
The desire, varies
Life can be unfair
Hold it close, the fire
Real life always interferes
Never stops passion
Things will be awesome
That day when we achieve it
Feeling of success
Life can be unfair
Life can be unfair
It can provide the real truth
Actual reason
For our real effort
Why we work and live that life
Because there is more
Life can be unfair
It will never change
Life always tempts your real truth
It hurts your real soul
Life can be unfair
We are given life
To go attack our dream
In whatever way
Age is no matter
Life doesn't discriminate
Only your self does
Life can be unfair
Attack you chances
Don't give in to bad impulse
And that boat may move
You can always strive
Your personal best is right there
Fucking go get it
Life can be awesome
Cached at Wed Jan 26 2:45:00 PST 2022
