For a guy who died dropping a duuuuuece! on the toilet at 42, dude sang some SONGS!
|good luck getting invited to this party|
IT DOESN'T MATTER
|CRB News Team|
"BREAKING NEWS PEOPLE! THIS JUST ACROSS THE CRB NEWS DESK, BOATS THAT USED TO BE EXPENSIVE ARE NOW NOT! WITH MORE ON THIS WE GO TO OUR REPORTER THAT IS FOR SOME REASON IN BLACK AND WHITE AND 50 YEARS AGO AND SMOKING, TAKE IT AWAY CHET!"
|The B stands for boner|
If you don't want to click, or don't have the twitters or whatever, the email said that the Axis T220 wakeboard boat is cheap / entry level easy on your wallet at just shy of $100,000 and we had the reaction like the chemical blasted guy in robocop.— CRB (@CreakyRowBoat) January 25, 2022
|Our reaction after realizing we can now afford this|
|On It Champ! Right after i finish this delicious burrito from Mr. Ruribertos|
As I recall $23995
"Once they had to do the emissions it added about $10,000 to the cost of each boat, which, at that point your not getting into one for under 50, so, i mean, why not"
In 1996 the median income in the united states was $35,492 via Census.govIn 2020 the median income in the united states was $67,521 via Census.gov
|Plays huey lewis and the news while trick skiing|
|yeah sure thanks man|
Funny thing about the covid world that we live in now days, time doesn't really seem to matter anymore. Things happen, you move on. You catch the rona, your down for 10 days, you go back to work. Those 10 days are just lost to the whims of the great magnet.
Everything now just feels like a never ending time sludge.
We are wearing masks. Then, well, looks like we got on top of it, maybe we can go back to normal. Our sports are back and stadiums are full and things are great! Waterski events, well, nothing changed there...as we don't have events where people go anyways, but, then, Boom, the flight craft variant comes along and we are all back to wearing masks again and trying to find testing sites and hoping our quarterback or point guard or whatever is able to play in the playoffs.
We were talking in the CRB office about what concerts we saw this year, and came to realize shows we saw two, three years ago seemed like we saw them this year.
Early 2020 we saw a dead cover band in san diego, and that was the last show we saw until we saw dead and company at wrigley this summer.
That was, what, a year a half gap that just got folded up and tossed away, time doesn't matter.
In our head it was, yeah, we saw the black keys early this year (note, we did not, that was 2019), then saw the dead then guns and roses then kings of leon and then your mom.
So its either getting older and time just goes by or this world we live in now is so strange that we look at the passage of time through a different lens.
/huge bong rip
What if like, time just doesn't matter man?
Anyways, now that this random construct of time that is given a number is about to switch over to a new certain number of days and given a different, yet slightly higher, number, we thought we would ask a few people in the office if they thought about making changes in their life for 2022 that they will immediately forget about, not do or laugh about later on like, "lol, like i would STOP micro dosing before dropping the kids off at day care, you fool"
"Why would I need to change anything, everything i do is perfect, i have never made a mistake and therefor do not need to alter my life in one way, but, fine whatever here are my resolutions for 2022"
1) Catch more bass
2) Drink more PBR
3) Eat less carp
4) Get this fishing hook out of my finger
ODBF is one of simple pleasures and outlook
"As the CEO of CRB INC, a multi-national zillion dollar a year enterprise, which some refer to as a financial rocket ship with a trajectory heading straight up, it is also important to take inventory of ones life and methodically remove the bad, emphasise the good and continue to strive towards excellence and efficient use of ones limited resources, and as such this is a list of items to enhance that effort"
1) Splice strands of various DNA into the Hadron collider to great the worlds first nuclear powered Golden Retriever
2) Continue efforts to replace my own blood with a synthetic organism that enhances both sexual vitality and allows the human body to effectively operate at extreme levels of focus, temperament and passion.
3) Be the first ever to get 6 buoys at 75 off
4) Be nicer to squirrels
5) Full and complete transformation into a xenomorphic scrote pod
1) Serve the public trust
2) Protect the innocent
3) Uphold the law
Ed note: Rowboat Abides was the sites original organism. In the time since things have changed.
|lol, cosmic rowboat|
* robocops 4th prime directive is "Any attempt to not cut later and/or be hella sick will result in shutdown
|woo-woo-woo we have a Type 3 Grinch Alert!|
|/shreds for santa|
|now its waterski related. /gets refill on xmas music suppository|
"But," you may be saying to yourself, "what about Christmas? That has to be the best holiday that we have, it's a day of giving and cheer for all, what about that you big scrooge jerk?"
/FLYING NINJA JUDO CHOP TO THE HEAD.
How wrong you are you stupid peasant, Christmas is a pagan ritual that is now one giant circle jerk of commerce and nonsense.
YOU WORSHIP A FALSE GOD!!
Your selfish nature and slavish devotion to over priced consumer goods is a stain on your families name and a POX ON OUR SOCIETY AS A WHOLE.
I SAID GOOD DAY SIR!
No, thanksgiving being in the top two of holidays is as it should be and was foretold in the elder scrolls recently uncovered in Patrice Martins house.
As noted, the fourth of July is the other top 2. There is no specific order, they both rule. 4th of July is BBQ, Fireworks and patriotism, thanksgiving is turkey, football and naps.
With the obvious caveat of the covid god damn plague that basically turned the world off for most of 2020 and 2021, there were still a few things to be thankful for.
1) webcasts! and specifically the world broadcasting service of waterski. Or whatever its called. Tony's deal on the youtubes. The CRB has beat the drum for waterski tournaments to be in more public locations for years and years and there is no need to rehash it now, seeing as it appears, other than moomba and maybe the us open? there really isn't anything for the public to enjoy in person. The malibu open which WAS in the downtown of a major city is now out in a corn field somewhere.
Never the less, cameras and internets and microphones and we can watch waterskiing live on our phones while taking a shit.
God works in mysterious and wonderful ways.
|I'm Watching Montavon in Here!!|
2) Freddy Being A God.
This is Freddy at, what, 85 years old beating Dorien Llewellyn. I WILL DEFEAT YOUR WHOLE FAMILY.
Real talk. There is an argument to be made that Freddy is the greatest skier of all time. An argument, one that doesn't hold up, because Sammy Duvall exists, but, the longevity and dominance in one specific area of the sport, man....Freddy is so good. In the Jump discipline there is no one that comes close, for the sheer dominance and length (quit giggling), right? There are people that may have eclipsed for a second or two, a comet across the universe, Scotty Elis or whoever, but, no one that could consistently kick your ass year after year after year.
|/freddy nodding along|
On the womens side, that argument is over real REAL quick, and its Regina Jaquess (pronounced: Jaquess), by far the best female skier of all time and we don't think its close...in fact, you could make an argument that Regina is the Serena Williams of waterskiing.
Meaning, her dominance is so supreme and all encompassing, that it transcends gender and into the pantheon of just the best.
One could, and without being chastised for being silly make this list of all-time greats and stand tall.
1) Sammy Duvall
2) Carl Roberge
3) Regina Jaquess
4) Patrice Martin
5) Freddy Krueger
Of course this doesn't take into account wakeboarding and such, because the bonifays or shaun murray or dallas friday or whomever could claim a spot, but, thats a CRB blindside so...lets move on.
Actually, no, lets not move on. Wakeboarding takes a similar space in the mind as skateboarding in so much as you don't really know who is the best....list wise.
Each sport has its known greatest.
Surfing -> Kelly Slater or Layne Beachly
Skate Boarding -> Tony Hawk (and his orbit is so big there is no one else like...even not around)
Wakeboarding -> Shaun Murray
From there, its really a matter of taste and style and years and environment.
One of the greatest things we found in the last year or so was the world surf league app on our phone, and it would let us know when there was some surfing on to watch. All of it. Anywhere. Any surfing anywhere and seemingly any competition was on our phone, which meant, at work, on that tv and we were watching some long board surf competition in Malibu on a random October afternoon.
|my legs are weird?|
We know zip about long board surfing...if you listen to the beach boys or see videos of that sort of thing, thats long board. Its not doing rad moves on a wave and whatever, its more like, style and grace and such.
Look, we fired up a joint and kicked back and watched for about, oh, 2 minutes before the security guard kicked us out of that specific red lobster*
*never going back to Bangor, Maine
Jokes on him, battery in our phone was almost dead anyways. DORK!
But surfing is a sport that engenders a very strong following, engenders love, inspires a clothing style and a lifestyle...even as a poser you're welcome in because you understand the vibe.
We don't have that in our sport, we don't have a style or a look or a vibe that inspires anything to anyone, and AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, we have some of the best athletes of all these sports. The most dedicated, the hardest working and seemingly the most averse to self promotion there is!
The surfer who fell off their board while in the parking lot has 5,000 followers on instagram because it looks dope...and lord help us we follow them because it does. We have freddy and dodd and elizabeth and regina and neilly, and so many more that deserve so much more then they get.
Its time that this changes and people understand what we have.
3) Some People Aren't Dead!
Thats a good thing, some of us can still go to visit family and friends over the holidays and most aren't dead! thats pretty sweet if you think about it. Some people aren't quite that lucky, of course, but, that just means MORE TURKEY FOR YOU.
..are you a dark meat or a light meat person? COMMENT BELOW FAM, SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON!
This has been a shit last year and a half or so. February of 2020 we were in San Diego for a corporate retreat*
*Drinking Karl Straus beer while falling off our surf boards INSTANTLY!
and we went to see the Dark Star Orchestra, which is a pretty damn good Grateful Dead cover band at the House of Blues, and for most of the show had a good time.
However, as it dragged on and the group of like 20 idiot kids were dancing all weird in the staircase we started to get annoyed, it has been a very long day (up at 7, after going to bed at 2 and the CRB corporate folks expect you to be present at all the training sessions) Another 15 dollar beer and a 10 dollar piece of shitty pizza and our moods soured.
"Yeah, that was a great jam on the Eyes of the world, but, its time to go"
Side note. if you look at the setlist linked there, just so you know, that was a real show and it was great..holy shit did it start to drag as it got to about 'that' point of the night. :)
Point being, at that point in time, we were all still allowed to be annoyed. There was no caveat like, "well at least we get to see live music!". Right? we could go out and experience things without fear of getting sick or whatever. You were able to go experience the world with basically your eyes wide open, or cynically, or however you wanted to experience the world...there wasn't an additional variable thrown in the mix.
Ironically, given our current state of the world, and adjusting for psychopaths, there is actually two additional variables we all have to account for now....
2) assholes with guns*
*in some places assholes with cars driving through a parade
This is the climate that we live in now. We have to worry about our fellow neighbor and both their predilection for guns and their cable news viewing habits*
*you know what we mean
Now when we go out to a concert or a play or a sporting event or your moms house, we now need to think about, do I need a mask, where is my vaccination card...do I need to also get a test, is security here good so some maniac doesn't shoot me, is that person in the corner a tweaker..just some harmless person or someone to be concerned about.
Those thoughts really suck and there is really, only one way to combat that and its to just go live your life.
You can't prepare for a maniac to drive through a parade route and kill you, you can't prepare for someone to shoot you at a concert you cant prepare yourself to get hit by a drunk driver, you can't prepare yourself to die of cancer.
You can be vigilant and careful but, we have to live. If we live in hiding and in the shadows for fear of whatever may come, then whats the point in the first place.
So, go out and do.
Get eaten by a shark while surfing
Get Covid and die
Drive your car off a mountain holding hands with a girl
Start a pod cast only talking about gold fish crackers and their personalities.
Completely rewire your partners vibrator so instead of vibrating it plays classic neil young jams
lol, why not!
We only get so much time. Make it good FOR YOU, not whom you think it would be good for. FOR YOU. You are the captain of your ship...look, when you masturbate, you're doing the work. no one else.
4) Some People ARE Dead!
Looking at you Alfred Fish! That guy is a real JERK!
5) Seeing Things Live
|An actual picture we took!|
Speaking of the Dead, this is the CRB at Wrigley Field this year at the Dead and Company show. Two things quick.
1) This kicked so much ass
2) Other then maybe the Metallica show a few years prior, never have we experienced such a wonderful group of people around us having so much fun. Seriously. Dead heads and metal heads, thats a 90% venn diagram.
For real if you don't believe, metal heads and dead heads provide such a good vibe, from both sides (really, less giggles), in so much as, dead heads are a chill out dance get in touch with music and the world vibe and metal heads are some aggression and adrenaline but, wanted that to be pumped into the music.
Quick aside, at the metallica show, a couple dudes came down the aisle hella drunk yelling for slayer! and we had aisle seats so we are in the aisle kinda jamming along and they bumped into us and it wasn't a "fuck you bro" moment, it was...for real...
Dudes. "BRO YOU LIKE SLAYER!?"
CRB "yeah man i guess"
Dudes "fuck yeah bro!" /high five "oh shit, master of puppets fuck yeah!, my seat is over there tho bro"
CRB. "YOU GOD DAMN RIGHT IT IS!"
That was it! just happy positive vibes.
But, that was at a live show, and to be able to go back and do that again in such a large environment was like a Irish Spring commercial. A wash away of so much bad, and into what is hopefully a better future.
And there was of course, moments all around that reminded you that we were coming out of the covid world. We parked at a off site location to take a bus in, and at the site there were people checking your Vax card and you got a wrist band to show you were ok to go in.
During the show, as much as you wanted to dance with the people around you, maybe share a joint, you were cautious because of...well..everything, and coming from someone who had covid and while it wasn't near as bad as some, it put us on our ass for a week solid. No joke. If you can avoid getting fucking covid, we suggest...you know...doing that.
We had just moved into a new place and thought, "dope, 10 days off work, can get this place spruced up nice, get things set up solid"
You wake up...eat some soup...turn on the tv and go back to bed. We were lucky in that it didn't get our lungs, or anything that made us fear for our life, but, this is the deal and if you haven't had it, here is a listicle and you can play along.
1) Remember your worst hangover.
2) Laugh remembering how fun that previous night was.
3) But, you know that 2 pm feeling? where the hangover is lingering and your so tired, the pain is starting to leave but your brain is mad?
4) All your muscles hurt
5) Add the flu onto that.
6) Your depressed, which makes no sense, you should be able to justify being sick, but, no you just get down.
Thats every day, you wake up and you feel like shit, you can't taste anything (maybe the worst part), your so run down you do nothing but lie in bed (not sleep mind you, just curl up in bed and watch the news all day. You get up to use the bathroom and make it like half way and need to sit down.
The taste part, by the way...we are lucky and have people who brought us all this great soup to eat, stocked up the fridge because we couldn't go to the store, and IT DOESN"T MATTER!!
YOU CAN"T TASTE ANYTHING!
"Hey how was that Panera Bread soup I brought you, you love that right?"
"I have no idea man! I CAN'T TASTE!"
And that taste thing? months and months. You always had bits and pieces of taste bud action the whole time, but, it took a long time to get it back and not quite sure its all the way there yet.
Its so weird. Your brain KNOWS that what your eating is good so it tricks you into thinking that, but honestly, you could be eating a spicy curry or water soup and it wouldn't matter
Thats what our version was. It sucked.
|covid is NOT vaginal|
The covid era has presented such a strange and life altering skew to our lives that we can't help but come out the other side (seriously, no more giggles) different people. Hopefully, we can all appreciate what we have maybe a little more then before. As above, the part about being annoyed at a show, at an event, is now taken with a grain of salt, because we can now do some of those things again.
We have spent the last SO LONG going through this and all we want is for things to go back to normal, and even if you are someone who thinks what has happened is garbage and a lie and a conspiracy, well..our world is big enough for all...because.
There is a great quote from Norm Macdonald, who just passed away a bit ago, which WTF 2021, and it goes like this.
The idiot sees the world as Good vs Evil. The cynic sees the world as Evil vs Evil. The truth that no one seems able to see is that the world is, and always has been, a battle of Good vs. Good.— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) June 25, 2018
There may be TV segments as funny, maybe, but there is nothing funnier then this clip, norm macdonald and dennis miller from the Dennis Miller Show on HBO a hundred years ago. In the past few days we have all rewatched alot, but, this is so good.
if you haven't seen this, watch it. and if you dont laugh...alot....your funny bone is wrong.
Editors note: super stoked we hit publish on that before fleshing it out. good work, months ago ass team.
your all fired.
|AYYY I gotta chip on my shoulda ova heeaaa|
|my tan line!|
|omg no way you silly little scamp!!|
|lol totally....imma fucking murder you later Todd|
|No, thats two for me bar keep. make em strong. |
/beats you to death with a bowling pin to drink your shiner bock
|Your booty got me like|
|I've never felt so frisky, HEYYYY MACARENA |
|Can I take your order sir?|
Nah bitch you can get with the times, and eat this shotty**
Not going to lie, didn't know they had strong enough electricity in Indiana to actually power a roller coaster over your mom.Indiana Beach to close after 94 years. https://t.co/psgL2bup1V— WTHR.com (@WTHRcom) February 18, 2020
|I have the weirdest dinner plates|
|Settle down Presiden Van Buren, you Bob Cratchit looking ass|
|Yo, Van Buren is mad tight son, check your privilege /harmonica solo|
|Found your mom, dork.|
|RAHHHHHHHHHH. LETS GO|
|Calmer then you are dude.|
|YES WE CAN GO ON THAT PONTOON BOAT!|
|No Maria, FOUR days a year, not three. See you at home babe.|
|Same, just, cool ass Pontoon Boats and not airplanes.|