Water Ski News Mashup!

CRB Updates / WTF

No, thats two for me bar keep. make em strong.

So, what the hell is going on with the CRB you may be asking yourself as you drift off to sleep. Live your life, as we are not ones to tell you what to think or do, but....wondering about the CRB is real low on the things we thought you would think you thought.

never the less. what sort of waterski poltergeist would we be if we didn't infect your brain and send a tree in through you window to try and kill you.

What?

Thats a movie huh? Ok, sweet, well lets figure this shit out somehow then.

This is a post to help explain what is going on with CRB and where we are now, where we are going and if being silly in our current world still has a place at the table. We aren't for sure at the moment and for sure we don't know at the end, but, lets see if we can't figure it out a bit along the way.

What say you?

Do you want answers...do you? DO YOU???? BITCH. ANSWER ME!!!!!

Your right...that was to aggressive...lets try to lay out the framework a bit, shall we? ok...GO.

We have had alot of meetings, we have had alot of break out groups and we have had alot of items to be examined prior to E.O.D, and we have had about 40 some odd meetings in our outrageous meeting rooms that are always stocked full of sliced meats and cheez its and shiner bock trying to figure this all out...and...

By the way, this may explain why this is a bit of an issue. Not the main reason for our lack of posting, but, its a real one. Our meeting room food stuffs are legendary. :)

Also have you ever had just one shiner bock? For real, if you dont know about Shiner Bock, get your ass to a watering hole and get one, two, three, four....oh you met a girl...five, six....ok, god bless, your having sex...

ok, we will put this on the agenda for tomorrow.

/beats you to death with a bowling pin to drink your shiner bock

Yeah, its that good. #ad #paid #sponcon

We went through hundreds of different things and why things things have changed, what we can do to get back to what we used to be, what we should become, what the hell that smell was.

Many ideas were brought up and bandied around, some taken serious, some wrapped up and smoked, some discarded immediately, but...

But, ultimately, the word we kept coming back to was fun.

Is this fun, is what we are doing fun...is this sport fun? are we making it fun? Are we helping it BE fun?

...

Of course, for those in the know, the CRB empire is so incredibly lucrative that we don't need to update or post or go on epic red-ass rants, but, its fun...and that is where things began to go a bit sideways.

Things stopped becoming "fun".

On the right side of the page, you see the years and the numbers of posts per year and it was 2015/2016 that we dropped right off. The desire to post was always there, and the number of drafts in the blogger folder show aborted starts and stops.

An awful lot of, "hey, this may be funny!" and its a 4 paragraph story of a sunken canoe that tied into the loss of freedom that the kwahalie tribe dealt with in the outback.

Those posts has the right intention behind them, but, we think that 1/2 way through we understood that, those aren't the things that made the CRB fun, CRB was known for being a silly mirror in which we could view our sport.but, we also dealt with..or noticed..that the world of media and content was starting to change.

We can yell our silly takes into the wind, but, saying something like, "LOL LOOK ALEX LAURENTO GOT INTERVIEWED IN FRONT OF A PORTA-POTTY" and then photoshop a sad Keanu Reeves onto the roof is funny as hell, but, it felt like that world was drying up.

For example.

Search the googles for a recipe for "instant pot jasmine rice" and you have 100's of god damn blogger sites going on for 2,000 words about their story of jasmine rice and their experiments and shit, when it should say.

1-cup water

1-cup rice

put in instant pot and hit 20 minutes. when the thing drops. open and eat.

There are hundreds of these sites! Jasmine rice! KatiesLife.com/jasminerice. FUCK! I just cant remember how many minutes! I don't need a story of your child and her lack of skill on a pogo stick!

Meaning, its not just reliable* sources you use to get your info, or results, you have to find out from peoples instagram pages and twitter and god forbid facebook.

We could have looked in our cook book and had our way to cook rice, but, the natural reaction is to google it, and now what? Betty Crocker said this, but, some dip shit in mississippi said this and now I have fucked up rice and alimony payments.

Your booty got me like

That all being said, real life factors in as well. When the CRB started, many mutations ago, it was a way in which we could access a computer from campus back in our dorm. Does anyone remember, 192.45.72.14 web sites?

Back then, in mid 1990s, we want to say 1997? When napster was a thing and lime wire and somehow the song "a horse with no name" was a neil young song and you would go to a computer lab to work on your projects for school. From there you could log into your home computer and listen to all your downloaded music and access your files. You felt like Mr. Robot!

For some this may seem weird. but, its true. We will...in the next i think few years, have people going to college who have never know life without iPhones. Without on the go music and porn and other important things like, school projects and spam emails and podcasts and Call of Duty.

Today, if we can't play the april 23 1977 Grateful Dead show from Springfield, MA RIGHT NOW, in our car, we are pissed off! We wanna hear that version of Franklins Tower right now!!!

Word?

OH SHIIIIT

Seriously think about it!

Today, in our 1987 SkiMasterBu, we can talk to our boat and have music play, without plugging in phones or weird music devices, or anything! Its all bluetooth and shit. Its super awesome.

"Play dead and company at shoreline amphitheater" then hop in the water and rip a shitty skurfer set.

We consume, view and enjoy our world different then we did and thats hella good. As we are writing this, we have an alexa playing a baseball game from the other coast, and in a bit when we are done with this we will talk to our television to open youtube and continue the video we were watching on wood working.

You change, morph and adjust or you sit there crying about what it used to be like.

I've never felt so frisky, HEYYYY MACARENA

Good lord, why do you need so many words?

Simply this. IDK #shitpost

But, what we are going to be aiming for is both ventures into video and ventures into audio. Not, christ, not pretending we are anything other some silly nonsense, but, we would love to be able to do something that provides some fun content for waterskiers and athletes...shoot, waterski supporters and athletic supporters to vibe on.

Not everyone is going to appreciate our specific blend of niche waterski jokes along with potty mouth. its a venn diagram that, DOES, include your mom...but, not "our" mom.

Anyways, the point of al this nonsense, its this.

CRB is here and we will be posting and doing stupid shit, its just a matter of the way in which it arrives.

Blog? Yup. That sillyness will be around, and hopefully less whisky fueled.

Youtube? lol, sure, why not. Anyone wanna watch ODBF drop his phone in the lake trying to take a video of a hot ass pontoon boat running ashore? I DO!

Podcast? this is closer to reality then not. There have been some in-roads into this world via horton and show skiing, but, nothing has really gotten us wet so to speak so maybe thats something to work on. Actual conversation and fun about our sport with production value?

/vapors

/oh child please

of more import.

Newsletter. We are very much considering adopting a blog / newsletter style moving forward. A Blog doing our normal nonsense with a newsletter heading to your email inbox once a week with a bit more in-depth sillyness.

Maybe what we do is charge a few bucks a month of the in - depth, for the interviews, for the things that are fun. for the things that make you better.......

The monetized and free. Think of it this way.

Your normal waterski is this

Can I take your order sir?

Your weekly newsletter is this

Nah bitch you can get with the times, and eat this shotty**

Who knows.

But, while our momentum has tailed off we hope as we ramp back up in the coming weeks and months, to hopefully ride that wave out of our current pandemic world into the world of fun and nonsense, take this how you want.

When the real world is no longer is fun, its really hard to have fun on a silly waterski blog. Our sport is built on fun and when the people in charge of the world they create is no longer fun vs. the world that we remember and where we can sit in the back of the room and shoot spit balls at those on charge, no damage intended but a bit of frivolity, thats where we want to get to. Thats where the fun is!

You know, we don't mean the people in charge of our sport right? You get the underlying current our what we are saying...right??? You get that the "people in charge of our world" means what it means right?

Anyways.

We will get back to that world soon. And we will be there to make fun of it.

*your mom

**Drive angry. borderline best movie ever made

Growth Opportunity? Nah, Lets Sit on our Hands

**Editors note: ODBF seems to have woken up from a three year slumber and returned to the keyboard to yell into it. What follows is our attempt to make sense of it"

The sport of water skiing is missing a HUGE opportunity.

How should we take advantage of this crisis? DO NOTHING YAY

Yes, there are lots of great people in the sport, but JFC, how hard is it to at least let those of us that give a shit about the sport know what is going on? Post some useful info, ideas, something...anything really that helps keep those of us that try to follow this sport in the loop.

Seriously, is the end goal of our sport to be a couple rich people skiing in their backyard lake with no one watching? Cuz that's where we are right now, so

YAY WE DID IT, NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT OUR SPORT ANYMORE. Champaign all around!

We have killed the sport, lets party

Or...we could try to get people to watch our sport again, bring money into the sport instead of bleeding all of the companies that try to hack it in the ever shrinking world of skiers. I understand this has been a crazy year for everyone, but all the sudden lots of people have a bit of free time and they are turning to the internet to fill the void left by not going and sitting in their cubical while trying to stifle the urge to kill that dip shit Karen from accounts payable. JFC SHUT UP KAREN!!!

So this is a big opportunity for the sport to get some eyes checking out our sport online. I mean, I, like all of you, have spent the entire quarantine watching all the awesome old ski vids and virtual tournaments run being posted on social media by the powers that be.

Whats that you say? None of that has actually happened? The powers that be have dropped the ball...again?

I don't know who those powers that be are though... USAWS? The individual sports divisions? Someone in the sport with a large social media presence? Hell, maybe I should be bringing this up at the CRB headquarters. Maybe we should try to take a lead in this if no one else cares enough to do it.

This really is not that complicated, there are a shit ton of smart people that love this sport, UTILIZE THEM. A few ideas I just came up with, just spit balling here:

Virtual Tournaments. So we are not supposed to gather in groups, which is smart, I am in no rush to kill my parents or your grandparents. The bare footers have found a way around that, LINK, so the other disciplines could easily do this as well. I know access to courses and jumps is an issue, but try something!

Virtual coaching. There are a bunch of these out there already, LINK, but it could easily be promoted by USAWS or any other large group for that matter. Think about all the training opportunities skiers are missing out on right now. Usually college kids would have been practicing and going to tournaments with their teams all spring. Well that was not an option, but think if skiers could have submitted a video of themselves running the course, or working on a new trick and someone gave them a bit of remote coaching. It keeps them interested and helps them advance. I would bet ever last cent in my bank account ($15.34) and a box of Cheeze-its that some of the very talented skiers that have torn up the lake at an NCWSA tournament would have been happy to donate a bit of time to give a bit of advice for free.

Skier a day vids. We are all bored right now, wouldn't it be awesome to see a new vid posted by USAWS everyday of one of the elite skiers in our sport doing something awesome and answering some questions? I struggle to keep my computer functioning so I don't know how best to do this but something like this.
Day 1 Trick set and AMA with Erika Lang
Day 2 Slalom set and AMA with Regina Jacquess
Day 3 Jump set and AMA with Freddy Krueger
Day 4 Freestyle jump set and AMA with Dan Olson
Day 5 Barefoot set and AMA with Keith St Onge
Day 6 Knee board set and AMA with...I don't know any knee boarders...
Day 7 Sky ski set and AMA with...nope, don't know any of them either
and repeat

I am pretty happy with that last idea, hell, we should be doing that right now anyways.

Happy 4/20 From Your Friends at CRBaked

Hi Everyone!

Hey, how about that. We remembered to pay our internet bill and the man let us have our website back! Our accounts payable department* is awesome.

Hope everyone is having a great year and nothing weird or bad or terrifying has happened to affect anyones life in any way what so ever!!

CRB - "Whats that?"

CRB - "Oh, I see, could you be a little more specific?"

All seeing being: /gestures broadly at everything.

CRB - "Well, fuck"

Light one up then, enjoy this while we still have it.

We Don't Know How To Pay For Our Domain Name

Yeah, no shit.

100 years ago we bought the domain with enom.com. somehow that shit got sold to google who wants us to pay like 200 a year for some g-suite ass nonsense. I've paid for a G-suite and all it got me was weak ass cocaine and genital wart.

I suppose, we will figure this out, but, maybe not.

Either way.

I had to come out of my cabin in the woods to handle this bullshit for these morons.

Rowboat out.

here. enjoy this you pigs

Indiana Beach is Closing Down

Strange and suprising news coming out of Indiana.

Indiana Beach to close after 94 years. https://t.co/psgL2bup1V
— WTHR.com (@WTHRcom) February 18, 2020

Not going to lie, didn't know they had strong enough electricity in Indiana to actually power a roller coaster over your mom.

From a personal level, they could use a bomb to explode that place and we would be fine with it, back in the day, we had a significant other who went to ski at the ski show there.

They were no longer that, post, that.

So, fuck that place. Fuck your state. Fuck your roller coaster. May you melt into the sea with your shit basketball and your shit corn.

Oh, and your race track sucks.

Maybe....we should relax a bit.

Its going to be a stressful year or so coming up....we have been able to make it through before...but...

its not quite the original band, but, wow, is there any band in the world that plays better music and is that incapable of harmonizing worse?

Yeah yeah, fine. Cannibal Corpse. sure. but, second?

Didn't think so.

Yum, Chicken

That's it, that's the post.

Eat Chicken. Its good.

Sudden Realization - Its August?

I have the weirdest dinner plates

It happens all the time, you look up and its WAY later in the day then you thought it was, or you spend a day out on the water and glance at your phone and WHOA! its allready, like, 6 pm or something.

But, what the in the actual hell, did you guys realize that it's already August?

Like, the eighth month of the year??

The month that was named by a Roman emperor named, August. Dude named the month after himself, because thats the month in which he had the most victories in battle. Never the less, what a self-absorbed loser.

August is also sometimes known as Harvest Month.

Great, neat, thats fine. But, what gives man. Just like, last week it was April and in our part of the country it was just starting to still be shitty outside!!!

Wasn't it just like, a few weeks ago we were shoveling snow and cursing the weather gods and wondering why on earth we live in this horrible area? Seeing the skimasterbu in the garage and thinking, "listen here you little bitch, you are going to get SO USED up this summer. Just get ready"

And what now?

Its August.

AND WHAT THE HELL???

Its already the Eighth?

JESUS CHRIST!!!

Settle down Presiden Van Buren, you Bob Cratchit looking ass

The 8th of August. Good heavens!

The day that the Henry II of France declared war on England!

The day that, in 1576, the cornerstone is laid for Tycho Brahe's observatory in Uraniborg, Denmark!

The day that, in 1585, John Davis enters Cumberland Sound in search of the Northwest Passage!

I mean, on this day in 1673 a fleet of 23 Dutch battle ships demanded the surrender of New York!

Idiots

On this day in 1911 the millionth patent is filed in the United States Patent Office by Francis Holton for a tubeless vehicle tire

I mean, what the hell!?!?!?!

How could this be already??

I mean, on this day in 1848 the US Barnburners party merged with the Free Soil Party and nominated that Neil Young's dad looking fool above for president.

Yo, Van Buren is mad tight son, check your privilege /harmonica solo

This is the day!! In 1942...and you all must remember this, that Dmitri Shostakovichs 7th Symphony, which is dedicated to the city of Leningrad is performed in said city DURING a seige by Nazi forces, and its performed by starving musicians and broadcast to german forces by loud speaker!!

Unreal man.

I mean, in 1918 in World War I, The Allies launch the Hundred Days Offensive, beginning with the Battle of Amiens where 500 tanks and 10 Allied divisions attacked German lines

Its really hard to wrap our heads around the fact that its already the ninth.

I mean, it was like...I dont know, like, last year in 1988 the Cubs beat the Mets 6-4 in the first ever official night game at Wrigley Field.

The passage of time takes it toll on people in different ways, we cope and deal with things that change and mutate in our own different ways. Some of us welcome the passage of time, viewing the upcoming time with open arms and enjoying the adventure that is there before us. Viewing life as a winding path through unstable and unknown terrain.

Some of us prefer to look at the past and remember the good times and marinate on that which helps propel us into the future, realizing the more good times and memories are sure to be realized. With the steady hand of a seasoned ship captain guiding the rudder of our vessel and simultaneously enjoying the wake created and the open water ahead.

While others prefer to, or simply survive, by living in a consistent state of homeostasis undeterred by either the forward or backwards passage of time, like a submarine traversing the depths of the ocean without the knowledge of the passing of day and night, time is an abstract concept ignored for the simple well being of the mind, only to be reminded from time to time by constructural events like birthdays and holidays.

Found your mom, dork.

Day to day life can become such a routine that it becomes a strange sort of hypnotic momentum that eliminates the structural element of time within our own minds. You spend, what, 8-9-10 hours a day at work so you can pay for the place in which you sleep and eat and shower, and the routine repeats itself ad-nauseum until you mentally push aside the idea of taking it one day at a time and it all blends together into a week. Which then all of a sudden becomes a month, which all of a sudden becomes a year and then all of a sudden its been a decade.

You become what you thought of when you were young as a un-idealized loser, going to work, putting gas in your car, making dinner, trying not to fight...AGAIN...with your partner because you did...whatever it is that you do that pisses them off.

Because, and it sneaks up on you, you have forgot to do things for yourself. To make sure that you are enjoying things and not just doing what is expected of you because thats easier then doing something irresponsible like, you know, owning a freaking ski boat and tearing it up on some random wednesday afternoon because you are a god damn bad ass!!!

Then again, phew, boats are really expensive and this leased Chevy Traverse isn't going to pay for itself and Dale, your neighbor is thinking about having a manger scene on his lawn this year for christmas and you will be god damned if he is going to make his house look better then yours so you better start planning out your decorations and probably going to target to pick up some...

WHAT THE HELL!!!

ITS 2019?????

Whats going on!!??

RAHHHHHHHHHH. LETS GO

New Federal Law: Pontoon Days

Hey! Did anyone watch the Democratic Debate last night???

HOO-BOY, we are sure it must have been wonderfully entertaining and hopefully a sign of brighter things ahead for our country, but, we didn't watch!

Did Elizabeth Warren "LAY WASTE" to John Delany??

MAYBE!!!

Or did Bernie say some...whatever, Bernie stuff?? Probably!!

With all the talk of health care and reparations and immigration and, what else, infrastructure?? That sounds like something someone would say at some point wouldn't it? That sounds like a politician type word. Infrastructure. Thats a meaty word if you think about, full of syllables and letters and what not, makes one feel smart...maybe to smart if you ask us...its really a scam that the system is playing on us, get us to feel smarter than we really are.

When we feel smarter, we tend to gloss over things that one who, of such a high IQ, would condemn as beneath them, or not worthy of our time or not deemed of such importance as to raise even an interested eye brow.

But, this, is not, that place.

What was not talked about is a policy that we need to fight for, we need to take to the streets, demand action take place RIGHT AWAY!

PONTOON DAYS!!!

Calmer then you are dude.

Thats right, every person in America should be entitled to 4 pontoon days a year.

"But, Dig Dug," you say, "This idea...what the hell is it?"

Glad you asked. Lets delve in a bit and see if your mind doesn't explode with glee and snacks.

Yesterday in CRB land, it was just shy of 80 degrees, not a cloud in the sky, slight...SLIGHT breeze rustling the trees and we were stuck at our jobs all day long. Missing out on what should have been a wonderful day on the lake. Frolicking around on a pontoon boat all day, drinking beers, eating cheez-its and the finest sliced meats, guacamole, grapes!! (???)...NOT sitting in a god damn office all day long.

Looking out the window and knowing what the weather was and how we are WASTING this perfect day in a suit in an office, which, look, its fine. It has A/C, and snacks and gives us money to pay for things, but, THESE ARE THE DAYS THAT NEED TO BE ENJOYED IN THE OUTDOORS!

So, the concept is such.

You are allotted 4 of these days a year, 4 Pontoon Day cards so to speak.

YES WE CAN GO ON THAT PONTOON BOAT!

There are no rules surrounding the why or reasoning behind them, you determine a pontoon day and all you have to do is log on to to www.pontoonday.gov enter your information and notification is sent to your employer that Mr/Ms So and So are exercising their pontoon day and off you go to take your government issued pontoon boat out for a day of fun!

"Ok, Ok, Dig Dug, this idea has merits and seems like a good thing for all," you say, "but, how on earth would this work for all Americans!"

First of all. Pontoon boats are a right that all Americans should be able to enjoy, not just the wealthy, not just the powerful. Its a right we all deserve, its a HUMAN right.

Second of all, the BIG JOB industry has for far to long run roughshod over the poor, taking advantage of loop holes in our pleasure craft industry to effectively exploit the average American and rake in huge profits.

Third of all, in our increasingly online and anxiety filled world, we all need...nay! Deserve the ability to take our mental health seriously and it has been scientifically proven through MANY triple blind tests and experiments that a pontoon boat, when administered properly will almost entirely eliminate all mental health issues AND lead to a very healthy increase in sexual activity of people who only met that day but, damn you look good in that bathing suit.

Lets make mistakes girl.

No Maria, FOUR days a year, not three. See you at home babe.

"Ok this is a wonderful idea and should be implemented instantly," you are now yelling this at the top of your lungs, "But, there are like, almost 5 million people in this country, how do we possibly organize that many pontoon boats and keep it clean and orderly and free of the corruption that plagues almost every other aspect of life in this country"

This is a very valid point, as most of us have a natural distrust of government programs and the waste that they inevitably produce.

Sure sure sure, you COULD look at this program that way, like a pessimist, like a hater, and thats fine. That just simply means you haven't been on a pontoon boat recently and your mental state is that of a typical well adjusted human being who just can't see the forest for the trees.

Pontoon boats are basically cure alls, bad things never happen on a lake on a pontoon. Lets break it down.

1) Your floating on water. This is good. The sound of waves lapping against the aluminum tubes of a pontoon boat have been shown to reduce ones stress level by 6.

2) Its a sunny day and you are outside. No one spends a day outside doing anything, hiking in the woods, doing yard work, fixing their motorcycle, playing basketball, whatever, and then get home in a bad mood. No! You get fresh air in your lungs, you get sun on your skin and you FEEL better!

3) We will put garbage cans on the dock so when you get back you can just chuck your empties in there and its good to go for the next person.

See? Its that simple.

Same, just, cool ass Pontoon Boats and not airplanes.

Millions of new jobs will be created in the pontoon boat world and the outboard motor world producing all these new boats and motors for the happy citizens.

So many 25 horsepower motors!!!

It will be like after World War 2 when our economy was booming and everyone was having sex and things were the way they were supposed to be!

Nothing bad could ever happen!!!!

Let's Do This America!!!!

Pontoon Days, Lets Float Our Ways To Better Days!!

Ummm...did you know they are waterskiing at the Pan American Games?

Oh! Hi there!! Its been awhile, here are crb hq we were got really down a rabbit hole on you tube of people falling down stairs. Its wonderful.

But, did you know that there is waterskiing going on at the Pan American Games in Lima??

WE DIDN'T!

Turns out, its probably going on right now! Or maybe its already over!!

If our ability to google stuff works, looks like... /types furiously...

Well, huh, how about that. Regina Jaquess (pronounced Jaquess) is still out there wrecking shit like a boss.

She won gold. As if any of us doubted our cyborg overlord. See? Look here. ClickaLinka

Ok, so, thats it. Looks as though tuesdays action will consist of MOAR SKIING. via the link above.

Tuesday’s action will consist of the men’s and women’s water ski overall events and men’s wakeboarding. Garcia will compete in men’s overall, Jaquess will compete in women’s overall, and Andrew Adkison (Chipley, Fla.) will compete in men’s wakeboarding.

Tight Tight Tight. So, anyways, this has been the helpful CRB. As always your #1 source of waterski news.

You're Doing Pontoon Wrong

Its happened to everyone at some point in their lives, a moment that is tucked back into the mind that you remember from time to time and shudder.

You have done something that you are embarrassed about, you have done something that make you feel like a fool, you have acted, the fool.

You need to get home, get grounded, get right with your life. We are all allowed these daliances into the world of silly. Its ok, you get heated about some political issue, you get mad about fire wood, you have a issue with the way someone parks their car, you accidentally murder a a community leader in a fit of rage over their proposed street parking agenda.

LOOK! Its happened to us all, and the bodies that are buried in someone else's backyard that in NO WAY incriminate me to these heinous crimes are in no way a barometer to your own moral misgivings to you cheating on your husband last month. with me. in your car. in a target parking lot. in the morning.

it was good tho. #respect

never the less, in times of trouble, mother mary come to me. speaking words of wisdom. get a pontoon and drink your pain away.

right? Thats the song?

Pretty sure thats right.

These are the moments you need to get right with your god, get centered and back to what makes you a heathoneous person in the first place, a boat with two pontoons and some beer on it, possibly some cheez-its, and most certainly a cadre of sliced turkey and cheese, and for sure some pretzel buns. NOM NOM....quiet now, nom nom.....ok, he is gone, NOM NOM!!!

Eat you glutonous piece of shit! Dance like no one is watching! Eat like your mirror hates you!!

You need to remember what got you here in the first place, you arent' setting agendas at the weekly condo association meeting, no, you are trying get your ass onto the pontoon and get proper.

and then. you get to the dock and see this.

My grandpa beat me with the sharp end of an axe, so, i do this. Im an idiot.

Thats three motors.

thats.

What the fuck is that??? Your running three, what, 225s on a god damn pontoon boat? How dare you sir!!!

How do you bring that into our lives. This is pitbull satellite radio being beamed into your head at 1000 miles an hour without your permission, this is a heinous act of aggression to your chilling out and we should, really, be taking them to court over the obscivation of yoru pontooning rights as an American citizen and how they flaunt the laws of common decency with their vulgar display...

...dont say it...

...your going to tho...

their...

VULGAR DISPLAY OF POWER

That isn't what the boating gods had in mind when they came up with the pontoon. Pontoon is supposed to be about chilling out, slowing meandering about your body of water while sipping on cocktails, eating cheeze-its and...maybe, if your super bold, smoking a joint to "take the edge off"

It is not, this nonsense.

life in the suburbs is great. I love my bullshit life

LOL, IM AN ASSHOLE

I ran over my own dick with a subaru, this is the only way to feel normal.

im a maga-chud. i wish this could drown me and my sorrows

This isn't what pontoon is supposed to be about. If you want a fishing boat that has as billion horsepower, go get one. If you want a deck boat go get one. If you want to flaunt that you hate your life, get a run-about.

Tow your dick head kids around the lake on a Saturday at top speed while yelling at your partner about the parking situation in the garage and how your boss makes you feel insignificant.

Dont take that out on your boat!

Boats, any boat, ski boat, pontoon, car, whatever, are weird extensions of your own life. They are not necessities, you don't need a boat, you don't need a car, you don't need a wife, you don't need functioning toilet, you don't need walls...you don't need love, you only need to bow at the alter of the monetary system that controls your world. Give in to the life that those richer then you expect of you.

Do no ask questions. Blindly do what you are told. You fucking sheep ass piece of shit.

You don't need any of that.

But, what you deserve, what you should be promised in the constitution, is the ability to once in a while, to fucking chill out.

To have a beer. Get some sun on that belly you are so mad isn't as flat as it used to be.

To not feel like you owe it to anyone to be anything that you aren't. You have earned that right in this world. And its ok, to be a bit selfish if you feel it.

You don't owe the world shit, you don't owe anyone a 40 hour a week nonsense bullshit plan. You are your own boss in this life.

You dont have to explain to your stupid neighbor why you are taking a few days and spending them on your boat so you can be centered.

In our world these days, so many of us are so uptight, strung so tight that we snap at even the nicest people you meet. You are mean to the person at subway for no reason, what, they didn't put 5 green peppers on your sub and not 6? Slam your dick in a drawer your dipshit.

You chastise the person at target because they didn't immediately acknowledge how serious your stupud bullshit was? Stick a broom up your ass idiot. People live their lives not in a cow-tow situation to your own idiot nonsnese.

Your rude to the cashier as best buy because they aren't moving fast enough and asking the customer if they want the extended warranty?? They are doing their jobs and they sure as hell aren't worried about the fact your kids have to wait an extra five minutes at home with the baby sitter because you were out having an affair and then remembered you needed a god damn optical cable for your video dildo.

Fuck you.

Go out on your god damn pontoon boat and decompress. You need it.

Yes. You.

This is a good start. Right here.

Look close, those people are having a hell of a good time, despite their 80's ass hair metal hair. Bet you $100 bucks they are slamming natty ices and pulling on a joint. Look at the guy in the blue shirt, he is TOTALLY sneaking a bit of a titty grab while Dale......fucking dale.....is checking his email..making sure his dip shit client will skate on his 5th dui.

Or...lets get real. Look at these people!

They are growing weed right there on their boat! Thats a proper chill vessel. There is a grill right there in the bow of the boat, and you can bet your sweet ass they are grilling up hot dogs, kebabs and corn on the cob. They know damn well that Scooter in the office can fuck right off about that PDS report he has been harping on.

Look Scooter, sorry your can't get an erection anymore, but, i am straight FEELING IT on the boat right now and, WHOA, whats this??? A freshy cocktail. Eat it you fuck.

Speaking of Scooter, here he is on his boat, trying to be a bad ass. LOL son, you look like a bad pair of boxers after a racquetball match made up entirely of people who eat far too many stool softeners.

(ed note: YUCK)

Look, the point is. 90% of us all need to chill the fuck out, to get out of our own brains and enjoy our lifes a litle bit more. There is no prize for being 80 years old and someone slapping you on the dick and saying, "great job working that sunday"

Nah, it doesn't happen. Its all regets when we get old. We regret not skiing that one pass, we regret not talking to that one girl, we regret...we regret.

Lets be more like Dale and Johnson here in their super on brand pontoon, just go fucking fishing man. Take a god damn load off, catch your self a trout and look at it in its fish face and say, "bro, i love you, but, I ate a 1/2 tab of acid and you look like a god damn dna sequence of a turtle"

Turtles are so dope tho bro

sup

Broken Trick Ski

Its never easy to let go of something that has been with you for a long time, relationships, friends, items, housing, cars, all for for various reasons take a hold of a little place in your hearts and when they leave, get sold, get lost, hurt just a little more then they should.

The other day the crb staff was out on one of our corporate mandated ski days. These are, for those who don't know, are days required by our corporate overlords where we take out the ski masterbu and ski all day, regardless if we want to or not.

Naturally, Megan from accounts payable went first...because, honestly, she is the best skier that we have at crb, and also, she likes to think that nabbing the best of the meats we have stacked in the cooler and then skiing right away absolves her of the fact that she ate ALL THE GOOD MEATS.

wake 180 to NOMS

but...thats something for HR to figure out, as a CRBoard member, I just crack open an old style and chuckle.

"girl has moxie", I say, to the walkie talkie that is connected to nothing, because I am a moron, "She deserves the protein"

And the reverie goes on all day. If you have ever witnesses a CRBday on the water you know that the skiing is secondary, as it should be, as its really pretty bad. Normally Jacob, who works in shipping and receiving, is throwing up by 10:30 am.

Which is odd, because as policy, CRB doesn't open until after lunch time. So, he may have some issues to deal with that are not quite something we can deal with. If you can't get to work on time after a burger and a beer at Red Brick Bar and Grill, then...well, thats on you.

Anyways.

Corporate ski days are nothing to be trifled with.

see, this is a god damn chicken noodle soup flip you noobs

A corporate restructure a few years back included this as a requirement for advancement in the CRB corporation. Which, really reduced waterskiing to an annoyment when it really should have been for fun, but, thats the world we live in. Everything in monetized and fun is bad.

Never the less.

Chad, who works in our new digital development department, decided to wager on his trick ski run. And wouldn't you know it, he threw down the following wager.

FOUR BOXES OF CHEDDAR JACK CHEEZ-ITS.

Winner has to buy the loser 4 god damn boxes of cheddar jack cheez its.

CHALLANGE ACCEPTED.

We aren't about to be embarrassed by a toned ass man-bitch. son, you are about to feel the wrath of a possibly 1000 point trick ski run on your ass.

Now, however our hubris, we working from a disadvantage.

Our trick ski, that we have had and loved for years was getting old. Its been with us for ever, through ups and downs, brown hair and gray hair, for healed and broken bones, though heart ache and triumph.

Its always in the ski shed.

it...in an strange way provides comfort.

Because no matter what else is going on, our girl is still there ready to take on the challenge.

We have noticed, in the last few years, that the ski is not quite as stout as it used to be. And don't get us wrong, its still got its moments, but, they are not as prevalent as before.

Everyone knows that over time, a ski starts to wear out. In our history, we had a kidder redline, that eventually as the ski began to age, we could over ski. It got tired, it got old. It lived its life. No shame, but there is sadness in remembering the history when the ski was strong.

no, the skis aren't supposed to be the shelfs...damnit karen

This is the same scenario with our trick ski. its something we have had for damn near half our life. Always ready to get in the boat, always ready for play time on the water, always ready for whatever we were ready to do.

But over time, we began to notice it wasn't as quick on its feet as it used to be. Willing, mind you, but, not quite as frisky as it used to be.

And this isn't something that we caught right away, when you are with something everyday, you don't notice the decline until it slaps you in the face. A holy shit moment, like, oh.....i can't do my wake 360 as easy.....are you getting weak in your flex area on the wake???

By this point, though, it doesn't matter because we will put our trick ski up with anyone.

"bitch, you think you got shit," said us, "ill stomp your ass...maybe"

So, chad goes out and does what to a normal person, a layperson...you know, a moron, would be considered a decent run. We checked with the judges score card and we were able to determine the his run was this:

180 to quick nibble on a turkey and cheese
side slide
reverse side slide
reverse 180 to wake 540 to pulling a bag of fritos out of vest to mouth
triple whirly bird
(ed note: WTF??)
reverse 180 to shot gun a miller lite

Not bad right?????

so, ok, fuck this guy. Like dig dug is getting owned like that. we got that wake to eat turkey sandwich move down pat. and the fritos thing? thats our original. No one knows about the turkey chili bong move we have hidden from the eyes of the tabloids.

Like we want water ski magazines fucking facebook page to point out us eating delicious chili while executing a perfect wake to wake fashion air.

No, you do not, the paparazzi does not need to see that.

Look, lets be honest, tensions in the boat are high, Chad is talking big nonsense, like he is the king of the lake. Because he was able to keep the turkey sandwich dry.

Shit, "bitch, a grandma with rickets could keep a turkey sandwich dry behind this boat, fool."

That shut him down. But the tension was real.

We has to back up our astonishly stupid bullshit hubris with a decent trick run.

"Hey, you loser, you cant do a wake 180 with a sandwich in your hand, you pussy"

oh...right? this is what is being yelled at us while we are just trying to snarf down a pre-lunch snack prior to dominating this fools ass on a trick ski.

"OH YEAH" we yell through a mouth full of cheez its and craft cheddar cheese, "LETS SEE WHO CAN DO A DOUBLE LARGE MOUF BASS"

.....

.....

OH SHIT

.....

....

The gauntlet had been thrown down. NO ONE EVER, EVER, went there anymore. Not after Jennie tried it and was impaled 10 times by the pylon in her own boat. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN.

Not even scientist or meterioroligist can figure it out.

But we think Lil Jon had something to do with it. Probably a severe twerk injury, but, a 10 time impale really, left something for the sweat to drop down those balls.

No matter, like Dig Dig is ever one to back down from a rap battle. This not being a rap battle was a problem.....fuck it LETS GO.

The feeling around the dock was so decidedly cold, or at least, skeptical. No one has successfully done the double large mouf bass and lived to tell about it. There have been rumors on the chat boards that people have seen it done, but...the videos they have posted have either been one of two things.

1) big foot ass shit. Grainy non-sense. not suitable for viewing because, there is no way to tell if they transitioned from whirly-bird to railey to 3 tier presto into a 4 tier.

2) some bullshit where it feels like different clips are spliced together to make it look like someone...or something completed a DOUBLE LARGE MOUF BASS.

Its impossible.

but.

we are not wimps, we will not back down from a challenge.

Its go time.

For those unaware of what the double large mouf bass is, its pretty simple really, but, it requires somehow re-arranging the laws of time and physics. As it begins with one person and somehow ends with two three-tier pyramids transitioning into a single four tier behind a different boat with all the skier with a different mentality.

But, you have never skied on our ski.

Shit is magical.

Its been with us forever and if any ski could make something like that happen. It this one.

Now, again....for this trick to work, it needs alot of logisitcs, you needs two boats running side-by-side, you need a good trick skier (we are not) and the ability to launch out of the second triple whirly bird on the the top of the three high pyramid at the exact moment they transition into a presto'd four tier pyramid ALSO at the moment they somehow are able to to switch the ropes from your boat to the other boat via some cable mechanism.

SO DUMB .

Our first two tries resulted in, suprisingly, only three deaths, the boat driver, the top person on the pyramid and oddly, the other boat driver as she took a show board directly into her brain.

Odd.

But did that slow us down?

NOPE

On our final try, everything was set up perfect. Both boats were ready.

We were fired up, knowing that, Sure, a triple whirly bird is...i guess...possible, i havent made a side slide...you know, ever...but fuck it lets go.

so, all 9 boats fired up and took off. Our boat, the pyramid boat and the 7 boats we hired to shoot off fire works and have dancing people in the off-chance we pull shit off.

we eased outside the wake. Preparing for our triple whirley bird....and for those of you who dont know, a triple whirley bird is something that is written about in ancient scrolls. like, mayans used to do it as a way to ward off sars, or some shit. they had hella fuel-enjected pyramids back in the day.

so, a triple whirley bird requires both timing (hitting the wake the right way) and luck (being super lucky?)

Because of course, this was a challenge, none of the smart things you normally think are out the window..."We have to win!" said an idiot...same person on the ski, who will probably die in 2 minutes, "but i love the veggie tray from the grocery strore"

Idiot.

Never the less, this is CRB on the water day, and we can't back down to challenge.

We lit out to the left.....and cut as hard as we could to the right, ready to hit the wake just right and with enough lift to carry off THREE whirley birds, when just at that split second.

Wouldn't you know it.

I see your mom down there, bitch

.......

We realized, this is the dumbest shit ever. We can barely do a wake to wake jump and land without eating various dicks whilst in the water.

Chad can just fuck off, the other boats and skiers just have to understand, "Yeah, waterskiing people are wild, yo"

We woke up floating in the lake with a few teeth missing, because we hit the water so hard, hubris is a bitch.

As we sat there floating in the water trying to score a milwaukees best and maybe a few spare pretzel bites we were reminding of our situation by a tooth floating by.

"oh, wow, that was a nasty fall..." said, us. "hope this blood is hypoallergenic"

Then we kicked off our ski and as it floated to the surface, it noticed, that it was bent in half. Right between the front and back binding.

"whoa" we said.

Our ski, we have had since about 15 years ago is dead.

We knew it was going, it wasn't' as sharp in the wakes, felt a bit more sloppy landing flips, but, to see it right there in front of you..without anything left it in it.

That was alot for us to handle. It had been with us from our early years, to our, wherever we are now. You take it for granted. You dont think of it every day, but, you know its there....by your side whenever you need.

"Oh shit son, you need a wake 360 followed by a burrito eat?, yeah, I got you!" -us

And now..now what.

Our ski it broken, its not going to be with us on our daily adventures, nor, will we have to put it up on its shelf at night.

yeah, sure, we could get a ski that would perform better, but..

we ski the best....we feel the best, we are happy the most on that ski...and now its gone.

Fuck you chad, yeah, we lost the ski battle. And we couldn't do DOUBLE LARGE MOUF BASS, and "bitch neither could you" but, that doesn't matter.

The boats are still going to run, the skiers are still going to ski, life is still going to continue.

You can be sad for the loss of of your ski. Your favorite ski. The one that provided reassurance to your life. But, skis live their life to you, they give their live to you. You have to let them go when their time comes.

Funny thing is, you have yelled at that ski "WHY COULDN"T YOU LAND THAT" you have consoled that ski "I should have been able to do that" and sometimes you just happen to look at the ski and it fills you with joy, "i see you bro, soon"

We will find a new ski and enjoy that too...but man, we really loved that ski*

Flow Point TV and a Quick Rant

Flow Point TV and Marcus Brown have brought us this love letter to collegiate skiing.

I watched this and immidiatly started looking to see where Nationals will be this year. Damn, that brings back all the fun memories and...yada yada gray hair old people words about past experiences. This got me thinking, what are we doing wrong with 3 event today that college skiing is the only bright spot in our sport right now? The Green Lightning tournament hosted by Jeff Surdej is the only team style tournament I know of, there are probably more but since we do such an absolutely shit job of promoting our sport, even to those like us here at the CRB world headquarters who love the sport and want to know whats going on.

Ok, I'm going to go yell at inanimate objects and any kids that get near my yard.

Nut Huggin

The Lament / The Regret / The Ascent

Things happen sometimes

Sometimes its the right reason

Sometimes its just life

Desire, passion

Nothing to bill collectors

push aside to live

Life can seem unfair

Its a part of you

That provides the energy

For everything else

But its now shadows

Collecting dust in the shed

Thats where the fun sits

Life can seem unfair

Ego comes from lake

Identity swirls in blue

The tough transition

The burn is alive

The strive to achieve still burns

That burn is on low

Life can seem unfair

Boat was in garage

Boat was replaced by real life

Boat was sold to friend

Skis collecting dust

Old wetsuits stored in basement

The fire dims...slightly

Life can seem unfair

Priorities change

Satisfaction comes different

You're still there for me

I've put you aside

For a moment, for a spell

Chill for a second

Life can seem unfair

The things that mattered

What gave you purpose and life

They are changed now

You have to work more

You are on your own payroll

Nothing free again

Life can seem unfair

Is it though? for real?

Maybe you are now the bank

You are now the rock

You are what is strong

You must now provide that spark

You are the reason

Life can seem unfair

If its important

If it matters now at all

Nothing should stop you

Its just a slight change

In your mental thought process

You aren't what you were

Life can seem unfair

Your better then that

You have grown beyond nonsense

You will never fail

Circular notion

It all comes around to you

Its your time to shine

Life can be unfair

They cant bring you down

Life cant stop your good desire

You just have to try

You won't always win

Nor, will you always succeed

Sometimes you just sit

Life can be unfair

Fight through that bullshit

Set your sights high, with purpose

Maybe you get close

Maybe its awful

Its still an effort you gave

Its fine, you don't lose

Life can be unfair

Try again, harder

Maybe, maybe not, its life

Keep that fire burning

The lake, forever

The passion, never ending

The desire, varies

Life can be unfair

Hold it close, the fire

Real life always interferes

Never stops passion

Things will be awesome

That day when we achieve it

Feeling of success

Life can be unfair

It can provide the real truth

Actual reason

For our real effort

Why we work and live that life

Because there is more

Life can be unfair

It will never change

Life always tempts your real truth

It hurts your real soul

Life can be unfair

We are given life

To go attack our dream

In whatever way

Age is no matter

Life doesn't discriminate

Only your self does

Life can be unfair

Attack you chances

Don't give in to bad impulse

And that boat may move

You can always strive

Your personal best is right there

Fucking go get it

Life can be awesome

Smooth Move Thomas

Arriving At Your Moms House Like

Like a glove

The Blender...yay Skurfer

The Best We Have Ever Skiied

After we posted the obnoxiously depressing post about being bad at skiing we were sitting around thinking about the exact opposite, the singular best moment we have ever had skiing.

Is that your mom down there?

The best is not a term that can be ascribed to a specific occasion, or result...it can simply be the best feeling, the best moment, the culmination of work, it can be 69'ing on a saucer.

Its really in the eye of the beholder.

So to speak.

If you were to thinking about it, say an Olympic figure skaters best performance was their gold medal skating routine, but, in their eyes, it could not be. Maybe the most symbolic, but, not their best. That could have been in a training round, in practice, etc.

Or think of it from your waterski perspective, you winning a tournament, or setting a record or whatever, its something big, but, is that the best you have skied?

So, we talking about it around the CRB office, and most of us came up with times that no one else had seen, or would even recognize as "the best"

When we were younger, we skied on a show ski team in a state that has a show ski team, and in and area that has boats and green grass and weed.

There were three times that we felt that we were at our best.

Quickly, here are the three times.

1) in a ski show, the boat was turning around, we were prepared to do our act in front of the people at the site, and we remember looking ahead and seeing all the people and realizing that this is awesome, and this is really fun and we (ourselves and the rest of the people with us) were totally in control and confident and ready to really do a good job.

And in truth, it was that good. But the feeling coming in completely confident in everything was awesome.

2) Same ski show, we practiced the show once at a location, and it was bad. So, we contacted some friends who had a different site and they said we could ski there for a 1/2 hour, and we were all angry with our performance and wanted to try it again. And we were able to run through our trick jump act perfectly, it only took one try and it was as if we all got our heads out of our ass and did what needed to be done.

There was no one there to see it, but, the team vibe and the effort put forth was one of the best.

3) Finally, the best individual skiing we have ever done was at a 3-event tournament a 100 years ago, we had a sweet Kidder Redline slalom ski and, while it was a few years old, was still a better ski then we could properly ski.

Until that day, maybe it was the girls that were watching, or just the site or whatever, but, that poor ski couldn't keep up. The feeling of being 100% in touch with your slalom ski, knowing that each move you do with your body provides a equal result on the water is phenomenal.

No idea what line length we were at when we fell, it wasn't some record breaking thing, maybe 21 off? 28? Not sure, but, the lake we were on was just about as wide as the slalom course, we ended up skipping out at the three ball and ended up on the beach.

But, the result was irrelevant, it was the best feeling we have ever had on a ski ever, most confident, it was something that someone who doesn't ski or even compete in sports wouldn't know. That absolute belief in yourself and your ability. Whatever level that is.

The peak of your perfection may not mean anything to anyone else, but, it does to you and you should always be proud of that. Thats why we do what we do, aiming to be better.

Sure, the next best moment may not be as great as what we did, or maybe better. But, its the best that it is NOW!

Live that life!

Cached at Sun May 16 2:48:34 PDT 2021